The Lightning Strike
by special2401
Summary: Years have passed since Meredith's grief had ruined almost everything good in her life other than her children, but now that she's been on stable ground for a few years, the world has decided to move and toss her life upside down.
1. This Storm

**I'm going to start writing a story to get me focused on something other than school and get around this stupid restlessness crap I've got going on. This is probably going to start out terrible since I haven't written something that wasn't a research paper in a while. It'll hopefully get better as it goes on. I have a vague idea about this, but not exactly sure where it is going, but that's the way I like to write. I hope that it plays out well and then I'll start posting it elsewhere. Maybe once I really get back in to the groove of things I'll complete the rest of my stories.... Oh and by the way, if you don't know me, I only write MerDer. I add in other characters from time to time, but only MerDer. This story is still going to be really different for me so I hope people enjoy it!**

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Chapter 1:

"Meredith?"

"Yeah?" Meredith said through the door as she pulled her hair down from its messy bun.

"The exam rooms are all cleaned and locked. There is still some paperwork that you need to sign sitting on your desk, but everything else is organized. We're all ready for the holiday, unless you need me do something else," the voice answered.

Meredith straightened out her sweater before swinging open the door of the small bathroom and walking out into her office. "No I think we're good, Nichole. You really are a life saver. You better never move or anything. I need you to keep my head straight."

"It's no problem," the young woman said as she divided the files on Meredith's desk into three categories. She was obsessive about things like this and it kept Meredith put together. "Have any plans for the holiday? I bet your children are happy to have a few days off."

"They actually got the whole week off. They left for their father's Saturday morning. They won't be back until next Sunday," Meredith answered as she pulled on her jacket.

"No plans for Thanksgiving then?"

"No. These are the days that make me wish I still worked at the hospital. I could just work, but no one schedules appointments at a private practice over Thanksgiving. I could just hope that one of my patient's has an emergency, but that would just guarantee my express train ticket to hell," Meredith joked.

Nichole smiled as she stepped away from the desk, satisfied with her work, "Take the files hope and work on them. It'll keep you busy and make your life easier once the kids get back and you have more appointments than you want. If it'll make you feel better, I can pray that your ex-husband gets called into work."

As she began picking up the files, Meredith laughed. "I thought about doing that, but then Michael and Jackie would be left with their soon-to-be-step-mother and I wouldn't wish that on anyone."

"She can't be that bad," Nichole answered, turning off the light and leading the way out of Meredith's office.

"Well, she's definitely the anti-Meredith, so if that's what he was going for, he succeeded. She's like a Prada-wearing-super-women. No one should be that put together when they're a successful surgeon and one of those over the top social gathering planner people. To top it all off, she has two perfect super-children. It's inhuman."

"Social gathering planner people?"

Meredith eyed her assistant, "Don't mock me, it's late and I'm not paid for my articulate communication skills."

Nichole smiled, "Well, get some ice-cream, watch Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving and before you know it, the two rugrats will be back and you'll be wishing they were still in New York."

Meredith looked back at her practice and smiled before she locked the door. It was nice leaving it some days, especially when she had the chance to realize that it was hers. Five Years. Her accomplishment, no one else's. It wasn't that she didn't have plenty of other doctors working there, but it was her practice. It was "Grey's Neurology."

"You still there?"

"Yeah," Meredith said, turning around and following Nichole down the walkway to the parking lot. "Just losing my mind, that's all."

"Don't do that, if you do, you'll lose your job and then I will. I'll never find another boss who lets my three-year-old hang out in her office whenever the babysitter bails."

"I love Rebecca. She's no problem. Plus, it's not like I haven't been there." Meredith stopped at her car as she fumbled for her keys. "Well, get home to her and Rob. I'll see you on Monday, okay?"

"See you then!"

Meredith opened the door to her Volvo and got in, throwing her purse in the passenger seat. She turned on the ignition, but waited for the car to warm up before moving. She looked in the backseat and saw the book bags and toys haphazardly thrown in the back. Michael's English report was sitting on the middle seat with an "A" scribbled on the top from the Friday before he left.

She reached back and grabbed the tattered notebook paper. She couldn't believe she never got around to reading this. Michael had been bugging her to edit it until he finally got a babysitter to when she had a business dinner. The pencil was smudged a little, making his messy handwriting a little big worse. It reminded her of his father's cat-scratch. Just like his eyes and the way he talked. Most everything Michael did reminded her of his father.

She ran her finger across the title, "Life with Two Families." She smiled, remembering how confused he used to get over the three ways to spell two. It took her forever to help him understand that. Usually he got everything so quickly; it took Meredith awhile to figure out how to help him.

He started talking about Meredith and his little sister and his life in Seattle. He said it was his home. That he grew up there, but then he talked about New York and his Daddy's home. She'll never understand why he had to move to New York. You'd think that if you actually wanted to spend time with your children, you wouldn't voluntarily move to the other side of the country. There was no reason for it and she knew one day that it would start to really affect Michael. It would affect him more than Jackie. She knew Michael had some memories of when his parents were still together and more from when he moved three blocks away. At least then things were easier. Now Michael and Jackie get to see their father a few times a year. Usually he would come out here and see them for some of the summer and then take them back for the rest, that way he didn't take them from Meredith the entire summer. She bet that would change thanks to Elizabeth and her stupid perfect preppy family.

Knocking herself out of her thoughts, she moved her attention back to the paper. She was nearly through the first page when her phone went off. She dropped the paper in her lap, fumbling through her purse for her phone. She grabbed it and groaned when she saw her ex-husband's name flash across the screen. This is why she bought her ten-year-old son a pre-paid cell phone. It eliminated the awkward conversations his father would start when he'd call so Michael and Jackie could say goodnight. Why he couldn't just let Michael dial the numbers would never make sense to her.

"Hello?"

"Meredith."

"Elizabeth?" Meredith cringed. Of course, it had to be the stupid fiancé. That was worse than the stupid ex-husband.

"Meredith," she sighed into the phone. There was something wrong with her tone of voice. Elizabeth was one of those freakishly happy-go-lucky people. She'd probably be smiling when she told her patient's family that their mother just died from heart-failure. It just wasn't right.

"Elizabeth, what's wrong? You sound off," Meredith said, her mind starting to shoot off in a million different directions. Each synapse was sending her a different message, a different possibility of what could be wrong.

"Meredith, you need to get on a plane to New York."

Meredith threw her car into reverse and pulled out of the parking lot, slamming on the gas. "What's wrong? What happened? Are my babies, alright?"

"There was an accident."

"An accident! What the hell are you talking about? What happened?" Meredith yelled into the phone, her breath coming out in thick heaves. She was starting to see things, making it that much worse that she was flying through the wet streets of Seattle.

"Meredith, just come. I have to go."

The line went dead and Meredith's heart dropped. What the hell happened? Why had Elizabeth called? Had he been okay, Michael would have called. He calls her every night when he's in New York. He needs his mother. And every night, Jackie tries to grab the phone from his hand. Her kids were dependent on her. Whatever was going on, she needed to be there. Something was not right. Her babies needed her.

She had to make sure they were okay. It could be nothing. At least that's what she kept telling herself as she got onto the highway and sped in the direction towards the airport. Michael could just need his appendix out. She would need to be there for that. He's her baby. Or Jackie could have fallen and hit her head. Meredith wouldn't be satisfied unless she looked at it and they should know that. The Mother always knew, regardless of whether she was a neurosurgeon. She would know if her baby was alright.

She just had to see them. As soon as she saw them, she'd be able to breathe. Until then, it was going to be a very long flight.

_**What if this storm ends?  
And I don't see you  
As you are now  
Ever again**_


	2. God's Tears

**I'm glad so many people have taken an interest in this story already! Your reviews are flattering! Just to let you know, there probably will always be a few days in between updates with the way my life goes. I'll try to update frequently, but it's more likely that you guys will only get a few chapters a week!**

Chapter 2:

Her fingers drummed against the window in an incessantly annoying rhythm, to the point that Meredith was aggravating herself. She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. It made no sense that she was on this plane, but had no idea what was going on. Elizabeth should have told her. There was no way around that. They should have told her what was going on with her babies. They were hers. Elizabeth had no claim on them and she knew what was going on. Meredith couldn't lose one of her babies. They should know that more than anyone else. Especially their father. She couldn't lose her babies.

"Welcome to the JFK airport. It's 4am and already snowing on this Thanksgiving holiday. Thanks for traveling with American Airlines and have a great stay in New York City," the flight attendant blared over the loud speaker, waking the few passengers.

She felt the wheels hit the ground, but the movement didn't make her flinch like it usually did. She was already on defense, preparing herself for what she was going to find when she finally saw Michael and Jackie.

The terminal was rather empty besides the few sleepy passengers that departed the same plane she did. Her grip around her overnight bag tightened as she headed to the gate. Elizabeth knew when she was arriving, but she didn't know if she'd be picking her up or if Meredith was going to have to get a cab. She had no idea where she was going regardless. She didn't even know where in New York his new apartment was. Apparently this one was nicer and more spacious. Meredith figured it was just for Elizabeth and her perfect children. Michael and Jackie probably didn't even have a room anymore.

Meredith saw her the second she exited the gate and found herself in the main terminal of the airport. She was sitting in one of the uncomfortable black chairs by baggage claim, looking completely lost. Her usually perfect blonde hair that made ever picture from Michael and Jackie's vacations look airbrushed was thrown up in a ponytail. Even more shocking, she was in sweatpants. Of course, they were pink Victoria Secret ones that still looked disgustingly put together under her long black winter coat, but they were still surprisingly out of character.

"Elizabeth," Meredith said, catching the women's attention.

Elizabeth abruptly sat up and handed Meredith a cup of coffee from the small table before saying anything. "I thought you'd need that."

"Thanks…" Meredith answered, waiting for Elizabeth to tell her what was actually going on, she really wasn't stable enough for the whole running circles around the problem when the problem was the safety of her children.

"Derek set me to get you. He didn't want to leave them alone," Elizabeth said calmly, in the same tone that she'd offered the coffee with. "Do you have any bags for us to get?"

"No, I didn't really have time to pack," Meredith mumbled, following Elizabeth down the corridor to the entrance. "Do you mind telling me why the hell I'm in New York and where my children are?"

Elizabeth's neck snapped in Meredith's direct at her harsh words. "I just thought you'd rather here it from Derek."

"Oh, cause he's done wonders with comforting me through times like this," Meredith sarcastically snapped, both of them knowing what she actually meant. Meredith wasn't stupid enough to think Derek hadn't told Elizabeth why they'd gotten divorced. She was nearly certain that Derek had painted her out to be an entirely emotionally unstable person who was unfit to be both a doctor and a mother.

Elizabeth brought the Starbucks cup to her lips as they entered the harsh winter air, effectively preventing any response. Small snowflakes were falling out of the sky, slowly gathering along the ground. All Meredith could think about was how much Jackie loved the snow. She'd get so excited if one drop fell. Michael would always tease her. He'd say that they were just big white balls. There was nothing to be so excited about. Now that he's been through some elementary science, he'd give her a lecture about how they were just frozen water. It was just "precipation," as he would say. Meredith used to stand outside in the hallway, looking in at the two as they stared out the bay window. Michael would always ridicule Jackie, especially when he knew other people were listening. He told Meredith that big brothers weren't allowed to be nice to their sisters. It wasn't manly. But there would be nights, when Jackie would put her face against the cold window and watch the snow fall and sometimes Michael would sit with her and tell her stories about him and his Dad playing in the snow. He'd tell her about the days that all four of them would go to Grandma's house in Connecticut for Christmas and how the snow would pile on the hills of the Shepherd property. In those moments he reminded her so much of his father before everything happened. She just kept hoping that she never saw the bad parts of her ex-husband in her son, just the good.

"Meredith, you coming?"

"What?" Meredith snapped, realizing that Elizabeth had hauled a cab and was holding the door open for her. Meredith blushed slightly, but her cheeks were already reddened from the cold. "Oh, sorry. Just lost myself there for a moment."

Meredith climbed in the car and closed the door behind her as Elizabeth instructed the cab driver to take them to the hospital Derek worked at. Of course. "They're alive, right?"

"What?"

"My babies. Michael and Jackie Shepherd. They're alive, right?"

"Of course," Elizabeth said, placing what Meredith figured was supposed to be a comforting hand on Meredith's arm. Instead it came off extremely fake.

"Their brains are still attached to their spines?"

Elizabeth's eyebrow wrinkled, but then she tried to hide it with a fake sympathetic look. "Yes."

"Then what the hell is going on?"

"I told you, there was an accident."

Meredith rolled her eyes, "Well thanks for being so descriptive and all, but those are my children. They're all I have. I know you can't understand this right now since I'm sure your children are at home relaxing or getting accepted into Harvard or whatever the hell they do, but these are my babies. I'm not going to just sit here and wait until we see my jackass ex-husband so he can tell me how he's had them for five days and has already failed to keep them safe. I have them at least ten if not eleven months a year everyday and they've never even broken a bone, so you really need to tell me what is actually going on here or I'm going to have to forcibly extract it from your brain."

Elizabeth's eyes widened at Meredith's outburst. Meredith was actually kind of surprised with herself and a little bit embarrassed. That may not have been necessary, but then again, it was.

"There was a car accident. We don't really know yet. I know you hate me, but I'm not trying to make this harder for you," Elizabeth said quietly.

"But they're alive?"

"Yes."

"Obviously it's bad if you don't know yet."

"We've been getting terrible reception on the cell phone and I haven't been with Derek. I'm sure he knows, I just don't."

"Well that was a genius plan," Meredith mumbled, running her hand through her ice cold hair. She sighed and looked over at Elizabeth, "I don't hate you. I hate that my children get spend their Thanksgiving with you and I hate the fact that you are sleeping with the man I pledged my life to thirteen years ago, even if Derek's a jackass. I'm sure you're a very nice woman, just not from my perspective."

Elizabeth did not respond. She just looked out her window, Meredith following suit. They watched the streets of New York from two separate vantage points as the cab slowly made its way through the streets towards the hospital. Meredith could here sirens and it made her sick to think her children probably arrived in one. Her babies. She was proud of herself for being calm. She hadn't totally freaked out since she walked in to her house to call the airport and get a bag, tripped over Jackie's teddy bear, and fell to the ground in tears. After she picked herself up from that, she'd been vaguely put together about this whole thing. She wasn't going to freak out until she knew exactly what was going on and it didn't seem that Elizabeth was going to be very helpful in that department. But as soon as she got in there, she knew this whole façade was going to fall apart. She'd see Derek, the man who left her five years ago and who left Seattle three years ago, and then she'd see her babies. She could already feel the tears.

_**Drops of water hit the ground  
like God's own tears**_


	3. Can't Get Out of this Place

**Just a little flash back…. Thank you for all the wonderful reviews!!**

**Also, this is a little different from the original version. Not different to the point that I had to alert people, it just has some added emotion and the entire second paragraph is new because one website I post on requires a 1,500 word count and this chapter was like 1,300. Stupid.**

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**Chapter 3:**

_Derek walked in the kitchen and couldn't fight off the smile on his face as he saw all the nieces and nephews that were still young arranged around the kitchen table and the island, decorating their own trays of Christmas cookies. He could remember when it was just him and his sisters around the large kitchen table, with his mom and dad at the island with their own tray of gingerbread men. He could almost see his dad in front of him, but it didn't last. _

_That left him thinking of Christmas more recent, like the first time he had brought Meredith home. They were engaged before he finally was able to drag her there, the sole reason being that she didn't want to have to meet them at her wedding. As soon as he learned the extent of her missed holidays, they had stayed up late one night so she could decorate her own tray of Christmas cookies without the ridicule of Derek's family. Watching her sit beneath the soft light of the island, with a million sprinkles set out in front of her while she debated over what to use with the seriousness of surgery made him fall even more in love with her. After that, every year she would come up with some excuse to decorate a cookie or two. She started out by helping the little kids with their cookies, but eventually she was able to use Michael as an excuse every year. It became a tradition for their family in that Meredith helped Michael and Jackie every year while the rest of the parents used the time as an escape from their kids. This year, though, Michael was doing it by himself and Jackie was sleeping as she was too young to do it without the help of her mother. _

"_Daddy!" Michael shrieked in his giggly little boy voice, trying to get his absent-minded father's attention. _

_Derek wiped a stray tear from his eye and plastered a smile on his face as he walked over to his four year son. He knelt down next to the chair and looked up at the tray of cookies his son was beaming at. "Daddy, I did it by myself!"_

"_Yeah, you did. They look yummy," Derek answered, running his hands through Michael's thick dark curls. _

"_Where's Mommy? I wanna show her!" _

_Derek's face fell He swallowed the lump in his throat as he tried to keep the pieces of his resolve together. "Your Mommy's sleeping right now. She doesn't feel well."_

"_Mommy's sick a lot," Michael said quietly, putting the sprinkles down. _

_Derek gave his son a small smile, "Yeah, she is, isn't she?"_

"_Is it her stomach? You should give her ginger ale. It makes my tummy feel better," Michael reasoned as his eyes started darting around the kitchen for the supplies. _

"_I don't think ginger ale will cure this, buddy. But don't worry about Mommy, I'll take care of her," Derek said as he stood up, trying to not ruin his son's holiday with his parents' problems._

"_Cause she's your girl?" Michael smiled, looking up at his father._

_Derek chuckled, ruffling his son's hair again. "Exactly. She's my girl."_

"_Derek, honey!"_

_Derek turned around to see his mother, Caroline Shepherd, walking in to the kitchen from the living room, brushing her hands on her floured apron. "Derek, can I talk to you for a minute?"_

"_Yeah, sure," Derek mumbled, knowing deep down that he probably wasn't going to enjoy this conversation. He really hadn't enjoyed much of anything lately and this felt oddly like a lecture was about to occur._

"_Come with me," she instructed, turning towards her husband's old office. _

_As Derek walked into the bookshelf lined room, he saw his mother already sitting down in one of the two dark blue Queen Anne chairs that framed the bay window. Her expression relied to him exactly what she wanted to talk about. Derek sighed and sat down next to his mother. He didn't bother saying anything. He knew she would say exactly what she wanted to with or without a conversation starter. _

"_How has she been?"_

_Derek looked at his mother, a dejected expression on his face. "We've been here for four days. How don't you know the answer to that question?"_

_Caroline shook her head, taking in the sight of her disheveled son. "I was hoping that she was doing better in Seattle when she was at home and surrounded by familiar things and not so many children."_

"_At home she still has Michael nagging her for attention and Jackie screaming for her mother all hours of the night. She's only two years old," Derek's face reddened as he tried to push back his tears. He ran his hands over his face, his voice failing him and cracking on each syllable. "I can't do this by myself. I don't know how you raised five kids. I can't raise them and keep her above water. She's barely holding on. I don't know what to do anymore. She refused to start seeing Dr. Wyatt again. She's taken nearly all the sick leave and emotional leave or whatever else Burke's been able to come up with for her. She's going to lose her job. She barely gets out of bed anymore. She won't even take baths. She used to love them. She'd take one at least once a week when the kids let her. She's not Meredith anymore."_

"_Honey," Caroline soothed, running her hand down her son's hunched over back. "You can't do everything. You can't save everyone."_

_Derek's face shot up, "Mom, she's my wife. She's the love of my life. What do you expect me to do? This isn't her fault. Maggie wasn't her fault. None of this was."_

"_I'm not saying it was Derek. You know I love Meredith," Caroline assured him. She cleared her throat and took a deep breath. "I just think you need to consider Michael and Jackie. And yourself. It's been nearly a year. This is going to have a serious impact on them. It already is. Michael stops playing to go check on his Mommy. Jackie isn't going to remember anything but this. Meredith isn't being a good mother or a good wife. You can't let your life go down the train with her."_

_Derek stood up and stepped far away from his mother. "I love Meredith. What she's going through will pass. It just shows how good of a mother she really is. She loves her children. She's not trying to hurt us. I'll take care of her. I'll get her to see someone, even if it's not Dr. Wyatt. She'll be fine."_

"_Derek, I'm not telling you to divorce her. Things aren't looking up and if they don't change in a few months, you might need to reconsider. Maybe you should leave the kids with me for a few months. They haven't started school yet and I can get Michael way past anything they'd teach him in preschool just like I did for you and your sisters. It'll give Meredith some time to pick herself up without having to take care of them and you'll get a break." She looked up at her soon, but he didn't look very moved by her offer. "I know it's hard Derek, just think about it, okay? A few months without them might change the rest of all of your lives. It'd be worth it."_

_He shook his head, "I don't know. When Meredith does smile, it's because Michael or Jackie do something. I'm not sure I can take that away."_

_Caroline stood up. "Just think about it. And for today, why don't you go and try to spend some time with just her. Your room is the only one on the third floor, so I can lock the door to the staircase. Michael and Jackie have plenty of aunts and uncles and cousins to keep them occupied for a day. They won't even miss you."_

_Derek nodded. "Okay. I can do that."_

_Caroline turned to leave the room, but stopped before she crossed the threshold. "Oh and Derek? I made Meredith her favorite double chocolate cookies. They're on the table in the dining room. Maybe they'll make her smile for a little while."_

"_Maybe."_

"_Baby steps, Derek. That's what'll help her. I promise," Caroline smiled, finally leaving the room. _

_Derek sighed again, looking around the room. In between the chairs there was a family picture sitting on the window ledge. It was the only thing that changed in this room. Before his father's death, his mother changed that picture every year. It was always the family picture from the family reunion. The Shepherd clan. It grew every year. The people looked smaller every year. He remembered that day perfectly. It had been perfect for his family. His wife had been herself back then. He could see the happiness in her eyes. The way they sparkled was uniquely hers. There was no faking that. She wouldn't have needed to. It was before everything became complicated. He just wanted to see that smile again. He was sick of these fake half smiles she barely forced. He wanted his wife back. _

_**She thinks, "Hey, how did I come to this?"  
I dream myself a thousand times around the world  
But I can't get out of this place.**_


	4. Connecting the Dots to You

I am incredibly sorry about the long time since the last update. I have no excuse other than the business of life and how time got away from me! As an apology, I made this update _much_ longer than the three prior and I actually put a very long happy scene in it! The first part is of course a flashback, but the rest actually progresses the story. More to come later! Thanks to everyone reading and a double thanks to everyone reviewing! It means a lot to me!

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Thin rays of morning sunlight peered through sheer curtains on the door to the large balcony overlooking the lake. The light set the lazy atmosphere of the quiet room. It was one of those rare days when everything seemed perfect and relaxed. Neither of them had to work and Mother Nature picked today to hold back Seattle's infamous rain showers. _

_Meredith held the down comforter close to her body, feeling the cool air of the house. She was wide awake, but she barely moved. Derek was at work until four in the morning, and then he had to drive the near hour drive home, so she wanted to let him sleep. She wanted to be the good and considerate wife that let her husband sleep in, but she was jumping up and down inside. She actually felt like bouncing. Despite the near 180 her life had done in the past five years, bouncing was completely uncharacteristic. She didn't care though. She felt like bouncing. Normally, her husband would appreciate it. He'd laugh and probably joke her, but deep down she knew he'd be happy that she was bouncing and he would want to bounce with her. It sounded stupid and she knew that, so she was trying to contain her intense need to bounce until her husband had at least six hours of sleep. If the situation was reversed, she'd kill him for waking her up because he wanted to bounce. But then again, he probably could bounce all he wanted and she wouldn't wake up. In reality, however, she knew that he would wake up the second she moved. He claimed that he always slept lightly, but she knew how he slept when he was on call or when she was at work. He was dead to the work except for his pager. Not even the similarly sounding phone would wake him up. Whenever she was next to him, though, he always woke up much easier. She never understood it, but regardless of its origin, it meant she couldn't bounce or even roll out of bed to bounce somewhere else without waking him up._

_In the spirit of being a good and supportive wife, she kept laying there. Her hair was spread out against the white pillow case and he legs were tangled with his. That never ceased to amaze her how they could go to bed at complete different times, but their bodies found some way to connect. It was like they had some gravitational pull within them made just for each other. In Derek's mind, it was just another reason that they were meant for each other. Meredith had always rolled her eyes at that, but they both knew he was right. This was it for them._

_She was trying, she really was, but without her permission, her finger found its way to his shoulder and poked. Deciding there was no turning back now, she poked him again. His name rolled off her lips without much thought. She said it more times a day that she could count even if she wanted to. The groan that escaped from his lips sent a series of guilty emotions through her mind, but it all disappeared as soon as he rolled over and smiled at her. Even though there were bags under his eyes and his hair was tangled and matted, she could help put find him immensely attractive. _

_"I'm sorry," she whispered._

_"No you're not," he smirked, closing his eyes and instinctively pulling her body closer to his. He tucked her head under his chin, allowing him to kiss her forehead just like he did every morning before pulling away to kiss her on the lips._

_She giggled, relishing in the warmth of her personal heater. "I am too," she giggled as soon as he released her lips._

_"Nope," he sighed, running his fingers through her hair._

_"And what makes you think that?"_

_"Because, if you were sorry, you would either not have woke me up or you would have been on top of me when you did." His response sent her into a fit of giggles and made the sparkle in her eye even more pronounced. _

_"I wanted to let you sleep, but I couldn't. I tried to stay awake last night, but I had to take medicine for my flu, so it knocked me out," she explained as she pulled herself from his arms and sat up._

_He figured she was about to tell him something rather important, so he pulled his body up and leaned against their padded head board. "It seems to have done you good. You've yet to sneeze."_

_"I feel great but that has nothing do with the medicine," she smiled. _

_Now she actually was bouncing. Subtly, but she was still bouncing. Derek took notice of it, but he remained silent. She adjusted herself so that she was sitting with her legs folded beneath her and she grabbed both of his hands. "Derek, I have something to tell you."_

"_Izzie officially lost her mind?"_

"_No," she giggled, squeezing his hands._

_He looked off to the ceiling, pretending to be in deep thought. "Hmmm…. Cristina has officially decided how she's going to kill me and how to make it look like she had nothing to do with it?"_

"_Derek, shut up," she hissed, slapping his bicep before grapping his hand again. "Besides, Cristina figured that out a long time ago."_

"_Okay, so what is it?"_

_She licked her lips and Derek swore the biggest smile he'd ever seen filled her face. "You know I haven't been feeling well, so I thought I just had a really bad flu with all the throwing up and then my other symptoms started to go away and Cristina finally made me realize it last night and now I feel so stupid, I mean, we're both doctors. We're both good doctors. I should have figured this out without Cristina practically flashing it in front of my face and I didn't believe it, but then I wanted to call you, but I knew this isn't the kind of the thing you say over the phone but then the car accident happened and you were going to get home late and I didn't want to not tell you, so I tried to stay awake…"_

"_Mer," Derek interrupted her, stifling a laugh. "You've already said this part of the story. Get to the point."_

_She glared at him, faking anger, but her bouncing betrayed her. "Derek, I'm pregnant."_

_His face froze and his hands went limp in hers. His reaction depleted her of her excitement and her energy. "Der? Are you okay? I thought this was something we wanted. I mean, I stopped taking the pill months ago. We talked about this. You've been talking about this since day one…" She felt breathless and she repeated his name in more of a plea than anything else. _

"_You're pregnant," he finally said, his voice holding no emotion she could decipher._

"_Yes."_

"_You're pregnant."_

_She look at him, her eyes going wide with concern until he flew into action and practically jumped her, his body pushing her back into the mattress as his lips went directly for hers. She could feel the smile on his lips and she knew that it was okay. It was better than okay. They were going to have a baby. Another Shepherd was going to be part of the family picture every year. There was going to be more presents under the Christmas tree and an extra stocking. The empty room down the hall was going to become another bedroom full of all kinds of new memories. _

"_Mer…" he finally whispered, pulling away only far enough that their noses were mere centimeters apart. "Mer… You're giving me a child."_

_She smirked, "I'm not freely giving you anything. You're going to be paying me back for the rest of my life. You are officially indebted to me forever."_

"_I think I can deal with that," he whispered, wrapping his fingers around hers and finding her lips again, fully intending to begin working on that debt right now._

_

* * *

_

Derek shook his head, trying to forget the memories that kept haunting him. He barely saw his son, and so most of the memories he had held Meredith as well. Good memories from before everything went wrong. He swallowed hard, trying to repress the emotions he felt coming to the front of his mind. Thinking about her never did him any good and it was going to do even less now. He needed to think like a neurosurgeon. Not like a father. He only knew bits and pieces, but he was the best neurologist in this hospital. He knew it and the man right below him in the chain of command knew it too. But instead of Derek, Dr. Adam Mercadante was trying to solve his son's case. As was every other competent doctor from the various departments that was still in town over the holiday. He felt bad, but this was his son. Their minds combined surpassed his own capabilities and his son still deserved better. Whatever the hell was going on, someone had to be able to figure it out.

They needed to tell him more information. Once Meredith got here, there were going to be two well-known neurosurgeons kept away from his case and two nagging parents who do not respect boundaries very well. It would be smarter if they would just tell him now. That way he could tell Meredith everything he knew and they could figure it out. Whatever he couldn't figure out, she was always able to. They made a great diagnostic team together and the other doctors just needed to leave them to it.

"Derek!"

The shrill voice was easily recognized from years of memories, but the clicking sound of the high-heels almost made him doubt himself. He turned around from his seat in the plastic waiting room chair to see not only his former wife, but his fiancé as well. He found it slightly ironic. All he needed now was Addison and every mistake in his life could literally be laid out before him.

Elizabeth immediately came to his side and he gave her a hug. Meredith stopped herself feet away from him, looking more pained than she had moments before. Derek let go of Elizabeth and pulled Meredith into his arms. He figured he could get off without question from Elizabeth. Their son was in surgery right now. That had to be grounds to hold his ex-wife like he was right now. He just hoped Elizabeth believed he was doing it for her more than he did himself.

"What's wrong? Where are my babies?" Meredith frantically questioned, not even noticing the tears that were rolling down her face.

"Jackie is fine. Kathleen came and took her home. I didn't want her here. She doesn't need to see this," Derek explained, grabbing Meredith's hand.

"Kathleen?"

"I called her and she drove from Mom's to take care of Jackie. She told Mom it was a work thing so the rest of the family could enjoy Thanksgiving until we know something," he explained, hating the way she was looking at him. Despite everything, she had an unconditional trust in her eyes. She trusted him to know everything and to be able to fix everything. He didn't want to let her down. Not again. He wasn't sure either of them could come back from that.

"And Michael?"

"He's in surgery. He broke his arm really bad and a rib. They were in a car accident," Derek sighed.

"Was it in a Taxi? You live in New York City. And who the hell is 'they?' That excludes you and Elizabeth. Where the hell were my kids and who the hell were they with? And why did you have to give me a fucking heart attack over a broken arm. I would have come either way, but you should have told me. You didn't have to make me spend my entire time flying across the fucking country thinking that my children were dead, you asshole!" The fire in her eyes challenged any that he'd seen before, but he knew her questions were understandable. He just hoped she could understand that he wasn't going to answer them now. Not right now.

"Mer that's not all. Michael is exhibiting some other symptoms. They won't tell me everything, but they haven't got it figured out completely. I'm trying to get this jackass Mercadante that I hired to tell me what the hell is going on, but he won't. I'm going to start bribing my interns if someone around here doesn't start telling me anything. All I know is that he had a fever and was vomiting. He was a little delirious too. They had to take him into surgery because the rib was puncturing his lung and the pain from his arm was just too much. He wouldn't stop screaming, Mer. I'm never going to get that out of my head…. I don't…" Derek shook his head again, trying to get the screams out of his mind, but it wasn't working. He felt a soothing hand on his chest, but he didn't have to look up to know whose small hand was sending calming waves through his body.

"Let's just sit down," Meredith whispered, her eyes flickering over to Elizabeth. She felt bad in one sense, but then again she didn't. This was supposed to be her family. It still was. Marriage or not, she was still connected with Derek and nothing Elizabeth did could change that, even though she believed she was the only one wearing his ring.

The three sat in the same waiting area as everyone else, which felt oddly condescending to Derek. This was his hospital. He'd done his residency and his fellowship here. He left for years, but he came back and reclaimed it easily. It was still his hospital. The only thing keeping him in his seat was Meredith's hand in his, resting on his thigh. They both knew that they had to stop themselves and each other from marching around the hospital and causing more problems than there already were.

_**I watch the sea creep round the corner  
It connects the dots from here to you**_


	5. Can't Be this Unsturdy

Chapter 5:

Another hour passed before a clueless intern came out and informed them that Michael's surgery had gone well, but they shipped him off to MRI before they got a chance to see him. That left the two of them waiting in an empty hospital room, Elizabeth already having left to check on her own kids. Meredith almost smirked when she had quietly mentioned leaving. What kind of fiancé leaves when their future step-son is in surgery? Meredith was beginning to think she liked Addison better. At least she had a heart.

"You okay, Mer?" Derek finally asked. His question came out of the blue as neither of them had said anything to each other since their first words. They had sat in silence, moved in silence, and once again were sitting in silence. What could be said? Words weren't going to change anything. They both knew that, but when Derek took the time to think about Meredith, he knew what this could potentially due to her. Nearly four years had passed, but that didn't mean she wasn't vulnerable to the same heartache.

She let out a bitter, nervous laugh, her hand reaching to push her bangs out of her eyes. "I'm fine, Derek, as fine as I can be. I'm not going to lose my mind, you can relax."

Derek nodded, trying his hardest to believe her. He changed his train of thought, deciding to actually look at her. He hadn't really looked at her since she'd gotten here, or really since their divorce. "You're hair is shorter. It's darker too."

She looked at him strangely, trying to decide why he was starting a normal conversation as if this situation was anything close to normal for them. "I have two kids and a private practice. Shorter is easier to deal with and I don't bother to highlight anymore. Not much of a reason to."

"Oh," Derek nodded again, losing his voice. He didn't really know what else to say. He was the reason she didn't have time to breathe or do her hair. She was raising their kids practically alone. That was his fault. His choice.

"So, Elizabeth seems a lot like Addison," Meredith said, thinking it was slightly ironic in itself.

Derek shrugged, "Not really. Not once you get to know her."

Meredith figured she was right. Derek did better the first time around. Addison probably saw the kids more than Derek did. When Richard was really in a hard place with the hospital losing respect and not being able to find a good enough Head of OB, Addison couldn't say no. By then, she was married again herself and Meredith was pregnant with Jackie. Once Derek had left Meredith as well, her and Addison had formed some strange bond. She began one more facet in the support system Meredith had formed over the years.

"Aren't you friends with Addison nowadays?" Derek asked.

"Yeah. Jackie loves her. She's changed a lot though. She's much more down to earth, even when she's wearing Gucci," Meredith smiled.

With nothing left to say, a silence filled the room. It sent Derek into memories of being with Meredith with nothing to say as her misery consumed her. That's all that there had been in the final days of their marriage. He felt like a coward when he thought about it, but then again, he knew it was the only way she got herself back together. He knew that with him there, she would just let life pass her by. He was enabling her depression. He brought her food and drinks, kept Burke off her back, and kept the kids going. He paid the bills and cleaned the house. He cooked dinner and helped Michael with his homework. He took Jackie to daycare and taught her how to read and write. He was super Dad so that the kids wouldn't go without anything. Looking back, he knew that it just made her feel worthless. They survived without her. That's all she saw. She didn't see the disappointed look Michael had in his eyes every time she wasn't at something and she ignored Jackie's cries every night. He knew Meredith was a good mother, so he left. He dropped the papers on his pillow and packed a suitcase. He tried to explain the situation to Michael, alerted Cristina, and rented a hotel room. The night he didn't come home, he had Izzie pick up the kids from daycare. Cristina went over to the house. He doesn't know exactly what happened after that except Meredith got out of bed. Within a week, she came back to work. He was surprised when Burke told him that she was leaving to start her own private practice, but by then he couldn't say much. He got to see the kids on his days off and random other nights, but never saw her other than in passing. Michael told him plenty about his mother, giving Derek the feeling that she was going to be okay. After that he left in the hopes that he could be okay without her if he wasn't constantly reminded of her. Regardless of Meredith's salvation, he knew she would never forgive him. He didn't expect her to. It sounds ridiculous, but he did it for her. He just knew Meredith well enough to know that she would never understand that.

He didn't notice the bed rolling down the hallway until the doors to his son's room were pulled open. They both jumped up at the sight of their son and Derek instinctively wrapped an arm around Meredith's trembling body. Dr. Mercadante was a little ways behind the intern that was pushing Michael, but he soon followed. Meredith was instantly at Michael's side, holding his hand and running her fingers through his hair. Derek stood behind her, his arm still around her, more for his support than her comfort. His eyes were on the doctor, waiting for him to say something. His breathe was heavy and his mouth felt dry. This was when all the years of being a doctor meant nothing. Nobody could be prepared for something harming their child.

"Dr. Bernstein wanted to come to talk about his surgery, but he had to rush into another surgery, so he just relayed some things to me while he was scrubbing in. He said everything went well and his arm will be fine baring any complications with physical therapy and proper care, which I'm sure he'll receive. As for the rib, that should heal on its own. He's not going to put a compression wrap around his chest because it can cause breathing problems and Michael is already having a few of those. That leads me to the real problem here. He was a little delirious when he got here, which could always just be due to shock and fear, but I think it's safe to say that it's a more neurological problem." The words rolled off Adam Mercadante's lips as if it was nothing. Derek and Meredith's hearts both dropped with each and every sentence, fearing the worst. Their minds were trying to go through their mental encyclopedias of neurological disorders, but there was a huge mental block of parental concerns. Neither of them could think about this professionally. Guilt was slipping through Derek for not always being there and for allowing this to happen in the first place. Meredith on the other hand was thinking of things at home that could possibly have caused this. Neither of them could actually act as doctors and diagnose him properly. They both knew it, but that didn't stop them from trying.

Dr. Mercadante took a deep breath and took Michael's chart from a nurse who had just recorded his vitals. "I'm beginning to think that this has nothing to do with the car accident and is more of a coincidence. In that case, he might be lucky that he has this many doctors looking after him and monitoring him this closely right now."

Derek bit his tongue, but felt a powerful urge to punch the man for saying that his son was lucky in the least. How could this be lucky? Michael was unconscious from the anesthesia and they had no idea what else was going on within his body. The only lucky person right now was Mercadante. Meredith knew what was going through his mind and immediately squeezed his hand as if to warn him to control himself. They both knew that fighting with the doctor wasn't going to help Michael.

"I'm going to tell you more than I probably should since I know you both are neurologists. He presented with a fever of 101.3 and he was vomiting. Once again, all of these symptoms can have a myriad of causes, but I went on a gut instinct and had an MRI done. There seem to be multiple changes in the white matter and a few lesions in the grey matter of the brain as well. The areas affected encompass roughly a third of his brain. None of these things are specific to any one disease. We're going to have to do more testing, but if there is anything else that you can think of that is not in this history, it would be extremely helpful right now. You both know that these lesions and changes in the brain point in various directions from direction brain infections to tumors to MS. I'm only saying this because I know you're thinking the same thing and I want to be upfront with the both of you. We need to figure this out so we can treat your son as quickly as possible."

After his fairly long and devastating speech, Adam turned to leave until he heard Meredith mumble something. He turned back around to see Derek looking down at her and asking her what she said. Finally looking back up, she looked at the doctor. "The flu. He had the flu a week ago. Upper respiratory tract infections can lead to Acute Disseminated Encephalomyelitis. When the body tries to fight the infection, it back fires and causes inflammation in the brain…" She trailed off while medical terms and possibilities ran in circles around her mind, throwing out more things than she wanted to think about. She started to feel dizzy, but Derek held her closer as the meaning of what she was saying began to sink in.

Adam nodded and looked at the lone intern in the room. "He should be awake before long and when he is, we need a lumbar puncture. This will…."

"Rule out direct infections and allow us to test the cerebrospinal fluid for an increase in lymphocytes and the absence of oligoclonal bands to differentiate between ADEM and MS," the intern recited, as if she was reading from a mental textbook.

Adam nodded and jotted the update information in the chart before turning to leave the room. Meredith sunk back down in the chair, her head falling in her head. She couldn't belief she practically just diagnosed her son, but couldn't do anything to see if she was right. She almost wished he had any problem that wasn't neurological. Then she wouldn't feel so helpless. All she could think of was the rarity of ADEM. There was no set cure. No amazing clinical trials. There were various treatments, but they were all hit and miss. You try one and if it doesn't work, you try another. You keep doing it until you hit chemotherapy and then you give up.

She looked up at Derek, but he was gone. Physically, he was right there next to her, holding her hand, but mentally he was nowhere near them. She could see it in his eyes. Before long, he let her hand go and left the room as well.

_**Cause I cannot stand still  
I can't be this unsturdy  
This cannot be happening**_


	6. If You Hold On

**I tend to ramble a lot when I actually do author's notes, but I think it actually helps my writing by getting me more in touch with the characters, the story line, and the interaction between the two, so I think as long as you all don't mind, I'm going to be rambling after each chapter after this as long as I have the time. So I don't know why a random paragraph in the last update was bolded, so if you guys were wondering if there was some time of significance or anything in that, there wasn't. Just a formatting mishap! I'm glad people have taken to this story, but to be honest, I'm hoping it gets better as I continue. I warn you all that I have taken a break from writing for awhile and I think my style suffered from my lapse in practice, but hopefully everything will be back to normal the farther I get into this. As for the medical aspects of this story, it is all researched from multiple sources, but I make no guarantees on anything that I write especially as I move forward with the story and if I am doing something completely wrong, please make me aware. I try to keep my stories as realistic as possible and stray away from things like dead fiancés coming back to life… Anyways, I know the story of how Meredith and Derek ended up divorced and on opposite sides of the country hasn't exactly been spelled out, but I promise that more details on exactly what led up to that and possibly more flashbacks will be coming. As for the flashbacks, though, I was wondering if you guys like how I have been doing them. I hate random flashbacks that don't exactly play into the story line so I've tried to keep them to the more significant things, but I will eventually have to expand to possibly a few chapters of just flashbacks to make things clear with exactly what happened so that the consequences can be dealt with in the present without completely confusing you guys. As for now, however, I plan to deal with Michael first, but there will be plenty of hints dropped in when Meredith and Derek interact as there have been thus far. Well, from now on, I'm going to try to keep these author notes at the end of the chapter, but I felt like I had some things to say first, so I hope I wasn't annoying!**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 6

There was nothing different about these walls.

Yesterday, he had walked through them as Derek Shepherd, Head of Neurosurgery, but today the walls were too sterile and the lights too harsh. His head was spinning and when he finally could think about something other than Michael, only Meredith would come to mind. He was waiting for her to lose it. She would hate him if she knew it, but he was waiting for her to fall apart and lose herself again. This felt worse than Maggie even if that wrong to think. Michael is a person with a life and more potential than Derek could have ever hoped for in his own child. He goes to one of the best schools in Washington and excels. There is no doubt that he is going to do wonderful and important things in the world. Even if this had nothing to do with accident that Derek shouldn't have let happen, he still felt guilty. His son had the flu and he didn't know. He was absent from his son's life. That fact stood out above the rest in Derek's mind, but another pang of guilt quickly followed. He was absent from his son's life and then acted as if he had the right to steal him and his sister from their mother for holidays and parts of the summer. He stole the memories of the blissful times from the woman who struggled day in and day out to keep them going the rest of the year. The only time he had seen his kids sick since he left Seattle was when they found out Jackie was slightly allergic to blueberries the first summer he flew them out to see him. Even that was mild and could not compare to everything else that Meredith constantly had to deal with. He never wanted to be this man with two divorces under his belt and two kids on the other side of the country in the house he built to grow old in, but this is where he found himself.

When he finally came across his office, he didn't bother turning on the light. Instead, he collapsed on the couch out of sheer exhaustion, but forced himself to stay awake and make sense of what was going on around him. His staff was about to perform a lumbar puncture on his son. It wasn't necessarily dangerous, but it was painful and it was his son. Michael Derek Shepherd. The soccer player who used to want to be an astronaut until he realized he wouldn't be able to eat his grandma's cookies in space. Derek was not trying to put his son's life above anyone else's, but Michael had done nothing to even slightly deserve this or any other medical condition. As a doctor, Derek knew he had seen plenty of bad people live to see another day while good and genuine people die unspeakable deaths, but he had never been so close to it before. His son had not even had the chance to become a person to deserve this. He was too young. There was absolutely no fairness in medicine and that fact suddenly seemed so much clearer to Derek now. The good people don't have a higher survival rate over the bad people. His son's innocence wouldn't help his recovery or even guarantee his chance to recover. His thoughts kept drifting to possibilities of what would happen if something happened to Michael, but he kept trying to repress them. He didn't want to think about the consequences for him or Meredith and then by extension Jackie. The only thing he felt even remotely thankful for was his sister taking care of Jackie. It was one less thing to think about when he was already struggling to juggle his own emotions with those of Meredith and Elizabeth plus Michael's fragile and unpredictable health.

He sat in utter silence for a long time and somehow managed to shut his mind off entirely. He felt as if he was somewhere between consciousness and sleep, but it was not at all motivated by his exhaustion. It was just the only way he knew how to cope right now. He couldn't just sit there, giving himself both a migraine and possibly a heart attack while he waited for answers, so he let himself relax in this semi-conscious state. He vaguely saw random memories of Michael flash before his eyes. Some part of him felt extremely clichéd, but that was far from any of his significant thoughts and memories. He could remember so clearly the day his son was born, or not so much the day, as the exact moment the nurse placed his son in his arms. The rest of the day was more of an emotional blur consisting of Meredith's screams for ten hours that resulted in a hand that throbbed for days. He remembered staying up all night organizing the nursery the exact way Meredith wanted while she drifted off to sleep in the new white rocker they bought, only waking to give him another direction that always contradicted one she'd given before. He remembered taking Michael to his first day of kindergarten. His son had sported a new Spiderman backpack that he was extremely proud of and a new outfit specifically bought for the occasion. Everything started coming at him out of order and slightly convoluted, but he attributed that to the near twenty-two hours he'd been awake. He was close to convincing himself that falling asleep wouldn't be a terrible thing to do when a sliver of light entered the room as the door opened.

* * *

She tried to forget about Derek and her need to comfort him while she waited for Michael to wake up. In the big scheme of things, his surgery had been rather short when the time for all the pre-op that Derek was kicked out of was cut out of the time he had thought Michael spent in the operating room. His anesthesia was rather light, so he should be waking up soon and that thought comforted Meredith. She didn't want to sit here and hold her son's hand when he looked lifeless. She wanted his eyes to open so she could breathe and relax slightly. His arm would take a long time to heal, as would his rib, but he could recover from everything simultaneously. She just wanted him officially diagnosed so she could take him home. She wanted him at Seattle Grace where she knew most of the doctors and she could make sure Bailey was monitoring him and Dr. Kenick, the new head of neurosurgery, would be the only one making any neurological decisions regarding her son. She wanted to trust any doctor that Derek did, but this was her son. Michael and Jackie were the only things in life she had ever loved more than Derek and she couldn't have either one of their lives in danger and passively deal with it. She needed to feel like she was doing something, like she had some sort of control. She didn't want to sit here and think her eight years at Dartmouth were completely wasted because she couldn't save the one person she wants to the most. But he wasn't dying. She kept telling herself that. He was sick, not dying, not dead. Sick. They could treat whatever it was, even if it wasn't ADEM. She tried to comfort herself in reviewing everything she knew regarding acute disseminated encephalomyelitis. She went through all the questions she knew Bailey would have asked her back in her intern days had Michael been just another patient to her.

_Acute disseminated encephalomyelitis. Caused by?_  
Inflammation of the brain and spinal cord due to damage to the myelin sheath.

_Which is?_  
The fatty covering of nerve fibers in the brain.

_Symptoms?  
_In this specific patient, delirium, fever, vomiting, but may be followed by headaches, lethargy, coma, seizures, monoiparesis, or hemiplegia. Often difficult to diagnose due to its non-unique symptoms. The disorder occurs in children more often than adults.

_Course of action?_  
Continue diagnostics by a lumbar puncture. A lumbar puncture tests the cerebrospinal fluid that bathes, cushions, and protects the brain and spinal cord. Typically with this condition, the fluid contains abnormally elevated levels of white blood cells and protein.

_Treatment?_  
Most children respond to corticosteroid therapy that suppresses the inflammation, but if that fails to work, plasmapheresis, intravenous immunoglobulintherapy or immunosuppressive therapy may be prescribed. Specific symptoms can be dealt with various medications, but if none of these methods work, worst case scenario is possible chemotherapy.

She felt sick in that she could only handle the medical aspects of this. She knew this condition well and she's treated it herself, but she knew that this wasn't what her brain should be doing. She should be thinking about Michael specifically and their lives and every single reason why he didn't deserve this, but that felt oddly inadequate. Thinking about treatment plans at least had some purpose and could help Michael at least by keeping his mother sane. It would do nothing if he woke up to his mother crying while reminiscing about his life as if it was already over. She wasn't going to consider the possibility of this being some other disease that was more fatal than this one. This was treatable. There is no specific cure-all, but there are various treatments that could lead to a full recovery. The caught this early before parts of his body decided to stop functioning or lose feeling. She almost agreed with the doctor in that they were lucky on some level. If this card had always been in the deck for Michael and their family, than they at least were dealt it at a more manageable time. She was far from an optimist, but she knew that they were at least lucky in that.

"Mommy?"

His pained whisper jolted her out of her thoughts and propelled her to the edge of her seat. It wasn't just that Michael was awake that set tears to her eyes. It was the fear and confusion that consumed his eyes and that he called her 'mommy.' He had stopped doing that when he turned seven, resorting to just 'mom' in an attempt to be more of a big boy. The same went for Derek. Michael's trek for independence on some level never ended and thus he never returned to calling her 'mommy.' It never really bugged her, but now it was like he was a confused little boy again. She had to remind herself, that he was a confused little boy. He was still young even though she felt that he was growing up way too fast for her pace.

"Hey baby," Meredith whispered, running her fingers through his slightly matted his hair. She felt the fever under her fingers and swore that it was higher than before from both the feeling on her fingertips and pure maternal instinct. "You doing okay?"

"My arm hurts," he whimpered, his eyes filling with tears she knew he didn't want to cry.

She gave him a weak smile in an attempt to be supportive, but she wasn't sure if it was really working. "I know baby. They gave you some medicine for that and the doctors already fixed it. It doesn't feel as bad as it did before, does it?" He shook his head now and she gave him another half-hearted smile. "That's good. Now, they're going to have do some other tests so they know what medicines to give you so you can feel even better than you do right now, okay?"

He nodded again and she could tell he was still kind of out of it. She gave him a few minutes to make sense of the world and where he was. His eyes eventually fell back on her and his forehead knitted in confusion. "When did you come?"

"Elizabeth called me and I came as soon as I could," she whispered, squeezing his hand. "When the doctors come in, you have to do exactly what they say, okay?"

"You and Dad aren't going to be here?"

"No, we can't because we're your parents. I need you to be brave though, okay? You can't get too tense or hold your breath. Just think about Christmas and all the presents you're going to get Christmas morning."

Michael nodded again, wincing when he accidentally moved his arm slightly. "What are they going to do?"

"They need to test one of the fluids in your body. You won't be able to see what they're doing and you won't really feel it because they'll give you pain medication, okay? It's just going to be uncomfortable. I don't want you to worry. It's something Daddy and I do on our patients all the time and Daddy picked out your doctor so you're in good hands. You just have to do what they say and be brave. Daddy and I will be back as soon as it's over," Meredith said in the most soothing voice she could come up with. It was harder to make medical procedures seem so simple when your son was about to go through one. The relationship complicated everything, especially when she knew Michael wanted to know more, but was too tired to really ask. "After that you should be able to sleep for awhile. I'm going to go tell the doctor that you're awake, okay?"

She waited for him to nod before she let go of his hand and stepped outside to ask a nurse to page Dr. Mercadante. She didn't have to ask to know she wouldn't be allowed to stay with him. Her medical knowledge probably made them want to enforce that even more. If she was honest with herself, she knew she would just cause problems and try to control the situation. Derek would do the same, especially when both of them are used to being the head of things.

After returning to Michael's side, she waited with him for Dr. Mercadante and talked about random unimportant things to make the time pass. She promised him that they'd go home as soon as possible and even went as far as promising that Derek would come too for at least a little while after he begged. She suspected that Derek would have wanted too anyways, if only to attempt to control the doctors back in Seattle as well as the ones here.

Too soon, Dr. Mercadante strolled into the room as if this was the most casual thing in the world for him to be doing. Meredith knew it kind of was as a neurosurgeon, but she was the mom in this situation and it kind of pissed her off. He started to explain what he was about to do, but she stopped him and told him to direction his explanation to her son as she knew exactly what he was about to do. After the full explanation, he unsurprisingly asked Meredith to leave for Michael's sake in what she hoped wasn't meant to be a condescending tone.

She kissed Michael on his warm forehead and spoke to him for a few minutes in a soothing voice before finally leaving the room, on her way out another doctor at the nurse's station across the hall attempted to grab her attention. Meredith was slightly confused, but she walked over to the woman anyways.

"You're Derek's ex-wife, Meredith, right?" the woman asked.

"Yes…" Meredith answered slowly, trying to figure out if she was supposed to know who this woman was or more importantly care.

"Sorry, I'm Helen. I'm a friend of Derek's. I know it's none of my business, but I just wanted to let you know he was roaming around here for awhile earlier and he ended up in his office last I saw. I know you don't live anywhere near here, so I figured you wouldn't know how to get there," the woman said, running her fingers through her hair it what was either a nervous habit or an absent-minded gesture. Meredith wasn't exactly sure which.

"Oh, okay," Meredith nodded slowly.

Helen smiled at her and then turned her head down the hall, "Just go straight down here and you'll hit the elevator. Go up to the next floor and take a right. Turn down your second left and his office is the third door on the right. His name is on it of course."

"Thanks," Meredith answered as she took a step to leave.

"No problem and I hope your son will be fine soon," Helen said, her smile actually comforting Meredith for a moment.

"Yeah, me too," Meredith answered quietly before heading over to the elevator rather quickly. Helen's genuine helpfulness and concern for Michael was nice, especially considering how unexpected it in these foreign surroundings.

She navigated through the hospital's upper floor as if she really had a right to be there, as if she had strolled down that hallway everyday for years. Once she found the name plate that rested next to a closed door, she finally felt as if she should have stayed downstairs. If Derek came up here and locked himself in his office, it probably meant he didn't want to talk to anyone, or at least not her. The only person Derek should really want to talk to is his fiancé and for all Meredith knew, Elizabeth could be inside even though she left earlier.

Listening for movement or voices or anything, Meredith stayed rather close to the door for a few moments, looking around to make sure no one was giving her strange looks. Lucky for her, this part of the hospital mainly consisted of offices and storage, making it a more secluded area. When moments passed and no signs of life emerged, she placed her hand on the handle and pulled it downwards slowly, trying to limit the noise of the lock retreating inside the door.

She pushed the door open slightly and paused, hoping that he'd yell at her to leave if he really didn't want her to come in, but she eventually pushed it open enough to reveal herself. The room was pitch black as it had no windows and nothing, not even the computer, seemed to be operating. With the light from the hallway, she could see him sunk in the couch, his head resting in his hands. He looked up when the light penetrated his solitude and rubbed his eyes when Meredith's body filled the doorway.

He didn't say anything and neither did she as she closed the door behind her and carefully walked across the dark room until she felt around for the couch and joined him. She sat with a few inches between them, but not on the opposite side, practically mimicking the undecided level of intimacy between them. She stared straight ahead instead of looking at him and he did the same. They sit there in silence and darkness for what feels like a long time until she feels his hand on her knee. The small comfort sends her mind reeling in a way it did every time he touched her. It took her a few moments of convincing herself before she finally placed her hand over his.

"I shouldn't be in New York," he finally whispered. The words surprised her. She had expected that if he talked, it would be about Michael and Michael alone. She could twist the meaning of his words to bypass anything regarding her, but she knew Derek too well to do that. He liked to throw vague and all encompassing comments at her, using it as a defense mechanism later when she interpreted him wrong. This time, though, she felt like she knew exactly what he meant. None of the past few years should have happened. The divorce. The move. The engagement. This. His exact feelings about the divorce and his new found engagement were shady, but the slight optimist he made her into after years of happiness gave her reason to believe his feelings matched her own. He shouldn't be this far from his family. From her or their kids.

Meredith struggled to empathize with him. As much as she knew Derek had never wanted to really be apart from his son or daughter, her rational side continued to throw blame in his direction. Truly, he had brought this upon himself. She didn't make the decision to hire a lawyer or to move to New York City. Their son's pain and suffering had nothing to do with either of them, but she knew all Derek could think about was what he had missed out on. He didn't have to tell her that he resented the fact that she knew he had the flu and he hadn't. He didn't resent her, at least as far as she knew; he resented their situation and everything that led up to it. That was something she could understand and empathize with regardless of what he may think. The wedding ring she wore around her neck burned her skin every day just to remind her that she hid it under her blouse instead of wearing it on her finger.

She felt bad, but thinking about her failed marriage was distracting enough from her son's health problems that she began using it as a coping mechanism. She could easily focus on her and Derek to repress her worry and the pain she felt deep in her chest. For a silent moment, she wondered what would be said if they were both completely honest to each other and themselves. She wasn't the victim in the tragedy of their love, but she wasn't the sole culprit either. It took her a long time to realize that she played as much of a part in this as Derek had. It was easier for her to blame everything on him and she could probably get away with it if she ignored her realization that she had left first. She was the one to give up first. He just made it official.

She sighed, trying to change the direction of her thoughts. Their marriage apparently wasn't going to be a good distraction as it only led to self-deprecating thoughts that she didn't have the energy to handle. She turned her head in the direction of Derek's body, but she could barely see him. She wished she could still read him like before, she hoped that had there been light in the room she would have been able to. Somehow, the darkness made it harder for them to communicate because their physical nature was limited, but at the same time it opened their inhibitions and gave them the potential to verbally communicate in a way they had only managed at the peak of their marriage.

"Michael wants you to come to Seattle," she said. It sounded normal and unimportant, but it felt much more significant to Derek.

He tried to keep a good relationship with his son, but he knew his son blamed in for everything he saw his mother go through that he didn't and still doesn't understand. He blames Derek for everything bad in his life and Derek lets him. Jackie has asked questions over the years as to why Derek lives so far away and as asked him to come home with them more than once. Michael never has. He only tells his father about his mother because he feels as though he has to, not because he wants to. Other than that, Derek has a hard time talking about anything other than trivial details of his life in Seattle. Michael seems to have mastered his mother's shield of defense that blocks everyone out on some level. Derek often wonders if Michael lets Meredith in or if he blames her too, but he never asks. He's always been afraid that one wrong move would destroy his relationship with his son.

He knows on the outside, their relationship looks decent. They can talk about sports and play games like any other father and son would. Michael seems relatively happy whenever he is in New York and Derek has never forced him to come. He just hopes that Meredith doesn't have to force him to get on that plane. When Meredith got pregnant with Michael, he promised that their child wouldn't be damaged the way she was when they met.

That broken promise was just one more way he had failed Meredith Grey.

He bitterly laughed and the noise contrasting with the long stretch of silence almost frightened her. He found it ironic that he she was Meredith Grey again. He hadn't thought in terms of last names in a long time. If he introduced her to someone, he was pretty sure he'd say Meredith Shepherd without really thinking about it. That's who she had become for nearly eight years. He had never realized that she was Meredith Grey now. She changed her name back. The title of her practice should have made him realize that, but he never had taken the time to think about that much regarding Meredith after he left. It was easier to forget. It made him hate himself a little less when he sat in the dead silence of his apartment in the midst of busy New York, only imagining the loud noises of his children coming from his big house in the middle of know where in Seattle.

"He's going to be fine."

The words slipped off her lips without much thought. She had never been the one comforting Derek. He was the strong one, her rock, her anchor. She was the weak one who needed support. He breathed for her when she couldn't until she sucked the life from him. When he needed support, she failed him because she couldn't comfort herself. The words were almost a peace offering. If they went their separate ways and tried to deal with this, Michael would just have two parents who had lost their minds. If they worked together, comforted each other, parented together, it was possible for them to get through this while remaining intact. The strange thing was acknowledging the amount of time that had passed since they had done something together other than coordinating flight information over e-mails.

He wanted to comfort her too. He knew that's exactly what she was doing, but he couldn't return the favor. That was the first way he had failed Meredith years ago: his inability to comfort her. They were good at the physical. When she was lost and inside herself, that was the only way to reach her. He wasn't ready to cross that line. It was thin, but he knew it was there and he knew that he'd created it. She would probably give in, but she'd hate him for it afterwards. Only after he took her right on the couch and promised that nothing would touch her when he was there. But he couldn't do that and he couldn't promise her that. He couldn't protect her.

"We'll transfer him as soon as we can," Derek finally said, hoping she'd have some comfort knowing that he wasn't going to fight her on going back to Seattle. She just nodded, but he couldn't see it in the dark, so she squeezed his hand. By that time, he had forgotten that he was holding her hand. It was normal. Habitual, even, if you excluded the years of separation.

Neither of them said another thing and neither of them needed to. They sat there in silence until Derek's pager went off, sending them both to Michael's room.

_** Don't let your life slip through the cracks in your hand  
If you hold on tight you might stand a chance**_

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**So I would ramble about this chapter and exactly what I was trying to get across, but I am exhausted after staying up late and reading it, so I may or may not end of actually rereading it to edit it before I post it. I guess my long message at the start was enough for this post! By the way, I don't really know if a patient has to be awake for a lumbar puncture, but I decided that it just worked better with my story line, so that's one medical detail that I didn't care to research. If I knew that I was wrong, then I would have had to change things, and I really didn't want to! These updates have been coming rather fast and their much longer. I just want to let you know that January is a crazy month for with two debate tournaments, seven mid-terms, one ap final, and crew so it will be harder for me to write as often or at least in as lengthy of chapters. I like writing in longer chapters because I feel that they're more complete, but I'll shorter them if it means you can get one much sooner. Anyways, thanks for reviewing and staying with me through the times I don't update as much!**


	7. I Wish

Chapter 7:

"I think he's finally asleep," Meredith whispered, turning away from her son's bed to the corner of room, where Derek was sitting uncomfortably in a metal chair.

Derek sighed and nodded, "Good. He needs the rest." His eyes moved from Michael's sleeping body to Meredith, who had yet to take her gaze off of him. "At least we know what we're facing now. The anti-nausea meds seem to be working."

"Yeah, but it's only going to get worse," Meredith said, giving voice to the thought going through both of their minds. "I want to take him home and this is probably the best time to do it."

"Great Thanksgiving," Derek mumbled sarcastically as he ran his hands through his messy hair.

Meredith looked down at her son and then back at Derek, biting her lip. "You could go, you know. It's still pretty early. You haven't missed Thanksgiving dinner yet. You should be with your family."

Derek stood up and pulled the chair next to Meredith's before sitting back down heavily in the chair. "This right here? This is my family. Plus Jackie of course."

Meredith's eyes fell down to her lap where she watched her fingers fidget with the watch he'd given to her for Christmas some years ago. She wasn't sure what to make of the things he was saying to her. This was the most words they'd spoken to each other in a civilized manner in years. She didn't know if the way she interpreted him was correct anymore. He used to say that he changed the day he left Addison. Maybe he did the day he left her too. How was she supposed to know?

"What about Elizabeth?" she finally asked, unsure of whether she actually wanted to hear his answer.

"She's fine. She has Alyssa and Julia to deal with. They won't even miss me."

The sad thing is, she wasn't sure whether he was kidding or not. It didn't seem right that he was so willing to give up on a holiday with his soon-to-be family. His presence here wasn't going to do anything. They weren't going to start treatment on Michael until he got home other than the medicines they've given him for his other symptoms unless some complications arise. She didn't need him either. She was perfectly fine with sitting here and watching her son sleep. She had been rather busy lately and it was kind of nice sitting back at just watch him sleep peacefully, as long as she ignored the actual circumstances that had given her the time.

Derek squeezed her hand, alerting her from her thoughts. "I'm going to book some tickets back to Seattle. I'll bring you back some coffee and whatever they have on the cart, okay?"

"Thanks," Meredith smiled, watching as he left the room.

It was strange having him here with them as if he'd never left. His presence put her world on more of a tilt than it already was and challenged the normalcy she'd made after years of separation. She'd resigned herself to silently loving him on the other side of the country. For the first time in her life, she was at peace with things. Her and Derek's time had passed. She had her kids and it would only be selfish to ask for anything more. Her life wasn't perfect, but it was still more than she ever imagined for herself when she was younger. Her mother would probably still find her inadequate, but she likes to think that if she really had a father, he would be proud of her. She was proud of herself. But then Derek came back into her life and she had all these memories of how things had been and she remembered all her dreams of their future and she just can't stop thinking about what could or should have been. They were supposed to grow old in that house and now she can barely force herself to go into half of the rooms. Him being here was shattering all of the certainty she'd formed over the past couple of years and she wasn't ready to risk that. If Michael hadn't requested it, she was rather certain that she wouldn't let him come back with them. New York was one thing because there weren't memories of them here. Seattle was a totally different story. There were few places she went that didn't have memories of them fooling around and being completely irresponsible and reckless. That's how they'd been for years before Michael came along.

Thinking back, she couldn't believe how long ago it'd been since all that happened. She met him at that bar and he got through all of her walls just like he always did. It was like he didn't have to figure her out. He just knew her and how she worked. He understood her in a way no one had before or since. It never made sense to her, but she kept pushing him away anyways. It took him at least a month to get her to go on an official date with her after he bought her multiple coffees, trapped her into eating lunch in his office while they went over charts and made her eat dinner with him in an empty cafeteria after long surgeries. Everything just felt so natural. She was terrified, but it was easy to just kind of go with the flow. She didn't have to try that hard. Their relationship just worked. They still dealt with the problems at the hospital with her superiors, but everything was easy between them and that terrified her even more.

By the time Addison showed up, she had already decided that this man she had known for four months was going to be it for her. She wouldn't really admit it out loud, but she felt it every time he held her at night or when he'd send her those looks across the hall. Addison shook their foundation and Meredith thought she'd lost him. She pushed him away when he took a moment to consider his options, but she woke up one morning to him sitting on her steps with this big ridiculous grin on his face. It was the same look Michael had every time he was proud of himself for doing something new. He chose her. No one had ever done that before. She couldn't quite make sense of the whole situation. Why would he choose a messy intern to spend the rest of his life with? It didn't make sense, but he did it anyways. Addison compromised the trust in their relationship, but they repaired it with time. She eventually figured that if their relationship could survive a secret wife with little lasting damage, then they had pretty good chances of surviving anything life threw at them.

It took another year and half for him to finally get her to say she'd marry him. He'd brought it up multiple times, but she had been skittish about it for a long time. Cristina told her that she was already living with him, she might as well get the full financial perks of sleeping with a hot-shot neurosurgeon. When Meredith finally told him that the idea wasn't so terrifying anymore, it took him less than two weeks to organize a weekend get away to wine country where he proposed to her, just as Izzie told her he would. When she left for that weekend, she swore her friends were placing bets on whether he was actually going to do it and whether she'd say yes or not. Once she told them the good news and showed off her gorgeous antique engagement ring that he confessed to having for eight months, they started placing bets on how long it would be before she threw the ring back at him in a fight. Despite all their happiness, Meredith couldn't deny that she and Derek knew how to fight loudly and publicly. They would always resolve it rather quickly, but that didn't stop either of them from being irrational, stubborn, and quick tempered.

They were engaged for a year. Residency was taking a toll on Meredith, who was surprisingly into planning her wedding detail by detail. Izzie offered to do practically the whole thing, but Meredith kindly declined and made sure to leave all of her magazines and plans at the trailer so that her friend wouldn't decide to sneak around. Meredith made Derek have an opinion on everything, but whenever they disagreed, she won and they were both okay with that.

The wedding was at sunset on July 13th. It was simple and rather small considering the amount of people in Derek's family. The people from the hospital sat on Meredith's side after she decided to not invite her father at all and only her two sisters that she had yet to warm up to. Alex walked her down the aisle and gave her away. Derek and Meredith stood a few yards away from the lake's edge with a pastor as they said their personalized vows to each other. Meredith was afraid that Derek's would be so much better than hers, but they were both in tears by the end of the ceremony.

After their honeymoon in Tahiti, they were back to their sexcapades in the hospital. Apparently marriage only added to their already raging hormones and incessant need to touch each other. Over time they toned it down a little, especially as Meredith continued with her residency. In her sixth year, Michael came along and a little over two years later, so did Jackie.

They had been happy for such a long time that it was hard to know that this was their reality now. When Derek walked back into the room, she realized he'd been gone for half an hour. Despite the years that passed, he didn't look that different. He was a little skinnier and had more grays in his hair that he'd probably prefer, but time was being nice to him.

"Here ya go," he said as he handed her a sytrofoam cup and took his own seat. She sipped it quietly, surprised that it was actually a mocha latte. He remembered. "I was getting them for you for over ten years. Kind of a hard thing to forget," he said, answering her internal questioning. He handed her a blueberry muffin as well. Apparently he'd remembered that too. "There's a flight for early tomorrow. Michael is already asleep, so he should be well rested by then."

Meredith nodded, "Good."

"I think that we should go back to my apartment tonight. I haven't slept in over two days and I know you haven't breathed since you got here. That way we can both get some food and rest so we'll be awake for tomorrow," Derek suggested tentatively, hoping she wouldn't freak out on him. With things like this, it was always a coin toss.

She didn't respond at first and instead weighed her options while she watched her son sleep. It was around four in the afternoon now. They could go and get dinner and sleep. They'd probably have to get up around two or three to get Michael discharged and then get him and Jackie to the airport in time for the flight. It made sense. She knew it did, but she didn't want to be at the apartment he shared with another woman. It just seemed wrong. "Are you sure you'd have enough room?"

"Yeah. Elizabeth is at her place with her girls. I have my room, Jackie's room, Michael's room and a pull out couch. Kathleen will probably go home and eat dinner with the family, so we won't have to worry about her," he explained. Every word he said made it harder for her decline. It made sense. She knew it did. She hated logic, it never worked in her favor. "Mer, you need some sleep."

She knew he was right. She was practically falling asleep sitting up. It would be the most responsible thing to do. "I don't want Michael to wake up and have no idea where we are," she finally said, discovering a flaw within his plan.

"We can wake him up long enough to tell him we're leaving. He'll fall right back to sleep. He always does."

Damn it. Now she really didn't have anything she could come up with. He was right. When the kids went to bed before one of the got home, they'd always wake them up to say goodnight and the kids always were able to get back to sleep instantly. It wouldn't be anything new for Michael, plus he was tired and drugged up enough that he probably would have a hard time staying awake long enough to listen to them.

There was nothing she could do. Before long, Derek was explaining their plan to one of the nurses he knew that was staying overnight with Michael and then he repeated it to Mercadante. After that he went to grab some things from his office and spoke with his Chief for a few minutes before they both woke Michael, kissed him goodnight, and made their way into the snowy weather of New York City.

It would wrong to say that Derek Shepherd was afraid. There were few things that he feared. Maybe it was more that he felt awkward. Taking Meredith to the home he built without her, after her, was awkward. He could tell by the stiffness of her body in the taxi that he wasn't the only one that found this strange, but what could he do? Secretly, in the depths of his mind he had always thought of all of this was temporary. New York was just a small chapter in his life, not the rest of it or his home. Brining her to his apartment made it feel so real. Overlapping his two lives made it impossible for him to see this as just a fragmented nightmare. This was his life without Meredith, but fate was finding a way to bring her there anyways.

_**I wish that I was better, I wish she wasn't scared  
I wish that this was easier, I wish I was prepared**_


	8. In Repair

**Sorry about the long wait on this chapter. I've had about half of it written for awhile now, but I was having an extremely difficult time writing this chapter and deciding what I wanted to accomplish from it. I still kind of feel like it was almost a filler, but still had some significance to it, so i hope you guys find the significance and that it'll continue to play out as the story continues. Also, for those reading any of my other stories that may having been seemingly abandoned, if you really want me to continue, please pm me. Around Christmas I received a rather rude comment/message regarding my unfinished story that claimed I should not write because I only get people attached to my characters before abandoning them. If you feel victim of this as well, I'm extremely sorry, but if you're a writer, I'm sure you can understand that this is unfinished work and not all work turns out the way we want it to and then it becomes difficult to continue to write about it. I've also been told that being busy is not an excuse for not updating. As much as I love writing and I love having people reading my stories, when it comes time to chose between a friend in need and fanfiction, I hope everyone choses their friend or school or work or whatever the case may be. As much as I am fully involved in fanfiction and MerDer, it's not real and my real life takes priority to this story, so I hope that some long breaks in writing can be tolerated and I'm terribly sorry for this slightly whiny author's note, but I just wanted to say some things and maybe give a reality check to those who think that fanfiction should take priority in everyone's lives. Anyways, thanks for all the wonderful reviews and I hope that the story continues to be enjoyable!**

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Chapter 8:

Meredith was quite aware that she was an awkward person. She often found herself in very awkward situations, whether they were of her own creation or not. It usually made her fumble over her words into a rambling mess and trip over air as if it was an Olympic obstacle. Once she met her father, she decided she was a good improvement so her kids had hope, but nevertheless, she was an awkward person.

The thing that attracted her to Derek Shepherd was that things were never awkward with him, excluding times at the hospital that included Bailey and other disapproving superiors. The point was, things were never awkward between them once they got over the whole wife thing. Generally, things weren't awkward. Situations were. Sometimes at the hospital when it was obvious to her that he was undressing her with his eyes in front of a patient, that was awkward. But things between them were always easy and she always had things to say even if they were nonsensical pointless ramblings.

This, however, was reaching whole new levels of awkwardness. Neither of them had spoken since they got in the taxi, at least not to each other. Derek directed the taxi driver and thanked him when he paid, but that was it. Despite the sophistication of his apartment building, the elevator was slow. Painfully slow. She was on one side, with her back against the metal railing. He was to the right of her, closer to the front by the pad of buttons he'd pressed. They kept a literal distance between them in addition to the figurative one.

The apartment looked like something out of a magazine. Their house was cozy and perfect for a house in the middle of the woods. This was upscale and chic. She barely took two steps into the place before she felt like all the clean lines where curving in circles and choking her. This wasn't Derek. It was some morphed form of him.

After dropping his keys and his cell on a small table, he threw his jacket into a small closet before turning to her to take her coat as well. He watched her eyes glance around the apartment and the expression she failed at hiding from her face. "It came furnished," he offered, before stepping over to her and gently pulling her jacket off her shoulders, "I just haven't had the time… or really cared enough to change it." He wanted to say that he never planned on making the apartment his home and that keeping it this way kept it feeling temporary, but he didn't think that would help any.

"Oh…"

She took a few tentative steps forward and allowed her fingers to run across the edge of a chair before she turned to her left, hearing footsteps coming in their direction. Kathleen appeared almost instantly, a smile washing over her face when she saw Meredith.

"Mer! I haven't seen you in so long," she said as she pulled her ex-sister-in-law into a deep hug. As she pulled away, she took a good look at Meredith. "You seem calm. I'm guessing Michael is doing alright?"

"He has ADEM," Derek sighed, pulling his sister into a tight hug. "He seems to be doing well now, though. His symptoms are being taken care of. He has a broken arm and a broken rib. He should be fine."

"I'm so sorry," Kathleen whispered, looking at the couple that seemed so uncomfortable in their own skins. She hadn't seen them together since they'd been divorced. She'd seen Meredith at a conference two years after the divorce, but this was different. They looked so… lost. That was the only way she could describe it. It was like they were drowning without each other.

"I umm… I got Jackie to go to sleep about twenty minutes ago," Kathleen finally supplied, wanting to fill the void between them with something, but her words just filtered away. "She didn't sleep at all last night, so she might sleep through the night even though it's early."

"Thanks, Kath," Derek smiled, finally closing the closet door. "You can still make it to Mom's for dinner if you leave now."

"Exactly what I was thinking. Kevin has been calling me and leaving messages harassing me about working during holidays and ruining our children's memories and la da da…" she rolled her eyes and it was painfully obvious that she was trying to make light. Her attempt did nothing to calm Meredith's tense body or make her feel like she was in any less of a hell dimension.

"Can I… uh go check on Jackie?" Meredith asked, suddenly not understanding what made her feel the need to ask permission. Jackie was her daughter. _Hers_. She didn't share very well.

Derek looked at her strangely, surprised that she had asked as well. "Just go down the hall and it's the second door on the left," he instructed, watching as she practically fled as politely as she could. He heard the door to his daughter's second room squeak open and then closed. With a new sense of privacy and relief, he sighed and felt his body slump.

"You okay, Derek?" Kathleen asked, dropping her need to pretend that everything was okay. It _so_ clearly wasn't. He just shook his head and squeezed the bridge of his nose between two fingers before walking into the overly neat living room area. He collapsed in the chair Meredith had been fingering, leaving Kathleen nothing to do other than follow.

He situated his elbows on his knees so his hands could support his heavy head as he tried to wrap his head around everything. He was still failing. Just failing at everything.

Kathleen looked around the room, feeling as though she would be interrupting something private if she looked at her little brother. She didn't know how to comfort him when he was like this. She wasn't sure if this was about Michael or Meredith or both and she didn't want to take the plunge and be wrong.

"What do I do?"

"What?" Kathleen asked quickly, Derek's words shocking her. Derek was not one to ask for help _ever_, but if he did, it wasn't like that. He was never so forthcoming with it. It frightened her and reaffirmed her belief that this was not the brother she knew. He had changed years ago, but she was finally seeing the extent of the damage.

Derek looked up at her, his eyes rimmed with unshed tears and a sorrow on his face that she hadn't seen in years, "How do I make her okay?"

She reached across the space between them, placing her hand on his knee. "Derek, you can't make this okay. Her son is sick. That's not going to be okay until it's over."

"I know I can't fix this. I can't make Michael okay. I know that. I just… There has to be something… I don't know how to comfort her. I need to know. I can't do this again."

His words broke her heart, even more than the look on his face. She didn't know all the details of the divorce and her mother forbade them all from asking, but she knew how much Derek blamed himself for Meredith's depression and that he'd been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders for years now. She didn't want to watch her little brother break into even smaller pieces than he was already in. "She's not depressed, Derek. She's sad and she's scared, but she's not depressed."

"She's not depressed, _yet_," he clarified.

"You can't make her okay. If she gets depressed again, you can't blame yourself. None of it is your fault and you know that."

"Then why does it feel like it is?"

"Because you're Derek Shepherd. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and to this day, you believe that you are Meredith's knight in shining armor. You think you have to come in and save the day for her and your kids. It's not a necessarily bad thing, or at least it wasn't before, but it's not healthy at this point. She's not your wife anymore. Do you even know who she is?"

Derek's head snapped up and he felt a strange surge of anger rush to his head, his nerves forcing his hands into fists. "I don't care what happens or how much time pasts. I know Meredith. Grey or Shepherd, she's my Meredith. Everything that she doesn't have complete control over scares the shit out of her. She used to run when other people had control, but she can handle it now. She's cautious with her heart, but so loving at the same time. No matter how angry she ever was at me, I had to kiss her goodnight because she never wanted to wake up angry. She puts her kids before everything and everyone else before her. Half the time she doesn't even notice how selfless she is or how much she helps people, more than just medically. She doesn't realize how many people love her and no matter what people tell her, she still thinks she isn't enough. She put her heart and soul into her career for years, but now it all goes on the back burner to the kids. Jackie says she still reads her a story every night that she's home. She kisses them both goodnight and tries her best to make breakfast for each of them. She's a good mother and she's a good doctor. I know her. If I hadn't known her, I would still be in Seattle right now drowning, but I do. I know her."

Kathleen swallowed, unsure of what to make of her brother's rant. She wasn't aware that he was going to completely freak out on her and now she was just wishing that she would have stayed on the topic, steering clear of all the ex-wife-soul-mate crap that ruled Derek's life to this day. She never understood how her sisters and her all had relatively functional marriages, or that it at least seemed like they all married the right person, while Derek couldn't hold it together. Part of her still wanted to fault Derek for leaving Meredith when he did, but his sorrow wouldn't allow her. If he didn't do it for her, who did he do it for? He didn't gain anything, just lost everything that mattered to him. She just had a problem seeing her brother as so selfless when he tended to be extremely self-absorbed when his emotions were involved.

"I'm sorry, Kath," Derek finally whispered, allowing both of them to let out a tense breath. "I know you're just trying to be my sister, but I'm not the only one who tries to fix everything in this family and you can't fix this. You can't fix me, so just stop trying." Derek stood up and walked out of the room, his sister's eyes following him until he shut his bedroom door behind him.

Kathleen took his disappearance as a hint and silently left the house, deciding that this family, however broken they were, needed time to themselves.

_**Stood on the corner for a while  
To wait for the wind to blow down on me  
Hoping it takes with it my old ways  
And brings some brand new luck upon me**_

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Derek stumbled out of his room a few hours later, suddenly remembering that there were other people in his house that he should be taking care of. He stopped first at Jackie's room and walked in the purple paradise to find her snuggled with her blanket under the cover of her canopy. Derek looked around the dark room for Meredith, noticing that the window had been covered with a blanket to block out the faint light of day from his daughter's slumber. Convinced that Meredith had long ago left their daughter to sleep, he quietly left the room, shutting the door behind him.

As he walked to the kitchen, he heard the faint sound of music and some movement. Before reaching the kitchen, he stopped and leaned against the wall. Closing his eyes, he felt the music grow in strength and send his mind running through memories. Shostakovich's 5th Symphony. He used to come to her house late at night or when she was off and find classical music flowing through her mother's house. It was this piece, more often than not. Months later he remembered turning it on when he set up a romantic dinner for them. As soon as Meredith came in, she turned it off and smiled at him.

"It's too depressing," she explained, walking over to the kitchen table and leaning down to kiss him before slipping into her own seat across from him.

"Depressing? It sounds anything but depressing," he answered, confused.

She continued to smile at him, pouring them both glasses of wine from the bottle Derek already had sitting out between the two lit candles. She shook her head, "You're not really listening to it. Shostakovich in 1937 to express the terrible things Stalin did to his people. He disguised it so that the authorities approved of it, but the people still knew. The government declared it a show of nationalist pride and they called Shostakovich a 'Real Soviet Man' even though he was equating them all to the devil. It's too depressing," she explained, watching her fingers run over Derek's outstretched hand. Her movements paused and they looked up at each other, a sideways grin forming on Meredith's face, "I'm happy, you know? I'll save Shostakovich for a raining day."

That night he learned more about Meredith and her past than he probably even had in one sitting. To this day it amazed him how she probably could have been a concert pianist had she really wanted to be and that her musical abilities were not limited to the piano, but spread to the violin, the clarinet, and the cello. Until that night, he had known that Meredith's life was hard, but he never knew the extent of her pain. It seemed like an ingrained part of her that she would never escape, but then it slowly started slipping away. Her love and appreciation for music never died, but he always came home to more uplifting music without dark meanings hidden behind it.

To anyone else, it was be insignificant. He knew that. He just also knew that his iPod player was in the kitchen and that when he walked in there, he was going to see that her iPod was hooked in and that she had deliberately chosen to listen to this specific song. He wasn't expecting her to be happy, especially considering recent events, but he still couldn't shake the feeling that her inherent pain was going to multiply and add itself to what she was feeling from today and then before he knew it, she would be drowning in it, bringing their whole family with her.

Meredith eventually sensed that he walked into the room, pulling her away from the book propped up in front of her at the kitchen table. She offered him a slight smile, almost as if she was embarrassed that he had caught her in her solitude. Derek shuffled over to the table and sat down next to her, immediately recognizing his ratty copy of The Sun Also Rises. By now he swore Meredith had read it as many times as he had and it just felt right to find her reading it once again.

She closed the book and slid it over to him, wishing she hadn't grabbed what was probably his most prized possession. She knew it had been his father's and she knew how important it was to him. The book remained in the middle between them, Derek not even taking the time to look down at it.

"Sorry," he finally said, hoping to keep her eyes with his. "I just haven't slept in way too long and it all came at me really quickly."

"Its fine," she said soothingly, the words rolling off her tongue. "Just worry about Michael, okay? Not me. I'm doing okay."

Red crept over his cheeks as he realized that she'd heard. It shouldn't surprise him since he knew how relatively small his apartment was and how close the living room was to Jackie's room. He should have known that she'd hear everything; he just didn't know what exactly to feel about it.

"I found a menu and ordered pizza about ten minutes ago. I was getting kind of hungry and you're seriously in need of groceries."

He could tell that she was trying to keep things light between them. With so much inherent tension and the worry of their son between them, there really wasn't any room for the complications of their relationship. He felt a million words on the tip of his tongue, but he let them go and instead slipped into an easy conversation about surgeries and their kids as Shostakovich continued to play behind them.

_**Isn't it a shame  
Times have changed  
But isn't it strange  
Lifelines stay the same**_


	9. Saving Grace

**Thank you to everyone who left encouraging messages about the rude comment I received. It inspired me to forget about my homework and try to write chapter 9. So I know this probably should have gone after the last chapter, but I really hope you guys got the underlying meaning of the last remark about the symphony in the last chapter. When I first put mention of the symphony in there, I almost deleted it because I didn't really see a point in having it in there, but I kept writing and then it came together. I think an important part of their relationship always has been the difference between the way things seem and the way they actually are, and that's only going to become increasingly important as this continues, so, like I said, I hope you guys got that from the last chapter and now on to the next….**

**Oh wait… before I begin, I just wanted to ask a question. In one of my previous fics Timeless, I used a lot of songs and people wanted a list of them all. I know I'm only putting some portions of lyrics in this one, but I wanted to know if you all wanted me to start keeping track of it all for you before it gets to the point that it would take hours for me to backtrack through all the lyrics used. So yeah, I was just wondering, but now the chapter actually begins…**

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Chapter 9: Saving Grace

His eyes opened, but he felt like something was covering his face, inhibiting his sight. Slowly, his blurry vision began to clear, but his drug-induced state of semi consciousness remained, leaving him silent and immobile. As his eyes grew brave, they began to scan the room while his head remained stagnate until his attention fell on the backs of his parents, both of them facing the door. It was then that he realized he was still missing a sense, and the silence of his mind began to frustrate him. With some conscious effort, sounds began to penetrate whatever barrier had been impieding them before. Slowly, the scene before him came together, each sense donating its jigsaw piece as his mind struggled to complete the puzzle. By the time that all of his sense had chimed in, he still felt like he was missing something. He was lacking some level of comprehension, but his hazy mind made it impossible for him to decipher whether his confusion was rooted in his current state of mind or his young age.

Minutes passed before he felt human and by that time, he recognized that his parents were talking about him to his doctor, which made perfect logical sense. The anomaly that he still couldn't decode was why his parents were acting the way they were. His father was standing close to his mother; his muscular body and his broad shoulders a stark contradiction his mother's small frame. The contrast wasn't as confounding as the interaction between the two opposites. Their relative closeness was only the beginning, as his father's rough calloused hands were running up and down his mother's back, attempting to soothe her stressed muscles. He had a hard time remembering a time in which they reciprocated any affection for each other. His instincts as a human overrode his immaturity, telling him that there had to be some significant to his father's actions and the way his mother seemed to lean in to his hand as if it s was the only thing keeping her grounded.

Any further analysis of their actions was put on hold as his doctor walked around them to check on his now conscious patient. Following his movement, his parents too turned in Michael's direction. Before he could blink, he felt his mother's lips brush against his forehead, her small hand slipping into his.

"Hey baby, how are you feeling?"

A deep sound escaped his throat without permission, his body struggling to reposition itself. "Good…"

Meredith's eyes fluttered up to Derek, wordlessly relaying to him her doubt. In an attempt to silently comfort her, his hand found her shoulder and squeezed it.

Mercadante cleared his throat before talking, not wanting to interrupt their moment, but knowing he was late for rounds. "He did well over night. Only woke up once, but he fell back asleep without any adjustments in his meds. His stats have all been within normal ranges. As long as he keeps down his breakfast he'll be discharged for transfer with no problem, but you need to organize his treatment plan as soon as you get to Seattle. I'm sure there is no need for my to stress the importance of this, you both know more than I do."

Derek nodded, but he was only half way listening to what his subordinate was saying. He was too entranced by the way his ex-wife interacted with their son, passively proving wrong anyone who had ever doubted her capabilities as a mother. Her compassion as a person translated into a loving and supportive mother. Even after knowing her for more than a decade, she never ceased to amaze him without even trying. She just had to be herself.

Michael noticed the way his father was watching his mother. It was both supportive and protective, yet there was a hint of something he couldn't quite grasp. He was too young despite his deft perception of other people's emotions.

"We're going home soon," Meredith promised, running her fingers across his forehead, pushing his hair away so she could check his temperature.

"Mer, the doctor said he's fine," Derek whispered in her ear, knowing that his son's warm skin scared her more now than ti ever had before. "As soon as we get to Seattle, you'll start feeling a lot better."

Michael looked at his father, and for the first time in many years, Derek couldn't find any of the silent contempt Michael held against him. Instead, his son was completely trusting him and it terrified him. The last time a person had fully trusted him, he failed them and he couldn't handle failing anyone else in his family.

"You're coming with us, right?"

"Wouldn't have it any other way," Derek said, trying to smile as he squeezed his ex-wife's shoulder.

Michael didn't really respond, but instead watched his parents again, trying to make sense of it all. Despite his attempts, he just couldn't reconcile what he was seeing with the past four years of his life.

He sighed in frustration, gaining concerned looks from his parents, so he knew he had to figure this out. They knew something was bugging him now.

"Do you two still love each other?"

Meredith cleared her throat and she felt Derek's hand disappear from her shoulder. His absence affected her in a way she wasn't expecting. She was supposed to be used to his absence. Before she lost herself in her well-practiced mental berating, she refocused her attention on her son and forced a semi-comforting smile. "The important thing is that we both love you and we're going to do everything in our power to make sure you get better, okay? You just worry about you."

"Are Alyssa and Julia okay?" Michael asked, trying to forget his dissatisfaction with his mother's answer.

They both looked up at Derek, Meredith eyes' revealing her confusion with the origin of the question. Suddenly, he didn't like where this question was going.

"They're both fine and already home," Derek answered, taking notice of his sudden distance from Meredith and their son.

"Why….?"

"They were in the accident too, Mom," Michael quickly supplied.

Meredith looked at Derek, anger seeping into her mind. She hadn't insisted he tell her exactly what led to the accident because she figured it would have been had on him and all she really cared about was the safety of her children. She was going to let it go for awhile, but now she wanted answers.

"Yeah, we were at Mr. Eric's, but Alyssa wanted to go to the mall. Julia told her no, but Alyssa is the oldest so she winned and took us, but then a boy called her phone and –"

"Michael, you need to rest," Derek interrupted, slightly surprised that his son was willing to talk about something that ended so tragically for him.

"Derek," Meredith hissed."

Derek walked over to her and put his hand on her arm, "We should talk outside."

Meredith obliged, but shook his hand off of her, giving him a glare that clearly set a new boundary between them.

"We'll be back in a minute," Derek told Michael, following Meredith out and closing the door gently behind them.

Outside, she turned around and caught his eyes in her own icy glare. "What the hell, Derek? Who is this Mr. Eric and why were my children in the care of some ditzy seventeen year-old girl in the middle of New York City? Where _were_ you?! You were supposed to be watching them! They're your kids, Derek! What the hell kind of father are you?"

Derek was stunned by Meredith's outburst. He expected her to be angry, but he didn't know how to handle her accusatory tone. He just knew that the first in her eyes wasn't going to extinguish any time soon. "Mer, there was an emergency at the hospital and Liz was in surgery and the girls were going to their father's house outside of New York, so I told them to bring Michael and Jackie with them. There wasn't anything else I could do."

"Bull shit, Derek! What made you think that was a good idea? Drop them off at the hospital day care! It's not that difficult! What do you think I've had to do since you decided to ignore all your obligations as a father? Those kids have seen more daycares than any one should have to, but they've always been safe! I never did this to them! How could you think this was a good idea?"

"Alyssa's seventeen! She's a good kid. I've never had any reason to doubt her. I mean, she's a straight A student who has never gotten in trouble in her life. That's more than most of the babysitters we had when we were together could say. Don't you dare doubt that I love this kids, Meredith. The accident wasn't even Alyssa's fault. Some idiot t-boned them, most of the impact going to the trunk and Michael's side. It's a miracle that they left with minor injuries. What is going on with Michael isn't the accidents fault and it sure as hell isn't Alyssa's."

Meredith took a deep breath, but her eye's never lost their anger. "Are you seriously defending her to me? Those kids should never have left that house and you know how it. She shouldn't have been on her phone either. And how responsible is this Eric guy if he let them go? I mean, come on Derek! Are you seriously going to blame the entire situation on the other car when they should have never been in that car to begin with? Damn it, Derek. How difficult is it to take care of two kids? And now you're here defending that girl. Now that you guys are getting married, to they rank above your own kids, Derek? Is that how it's going to be because I will not let my kids know that they come in second to you. I swear to god I will take custody of you so fast you won't even know-"

"Derek!"

Meredith stopped her yelling as they both turned their heads to see Elizabeth coming in their direction. Elizabeth called to them again and before Derek could say anything, he saw Meredith move quickly in Elizabeth's direction, her fists clenching at her side. "I cannot believe you sat next to me knowing that this was your daughter's fucking fault. Your fault. Can you not raise a child with some sense?"

Derek rushed after her, ignoring Elizabeth's stunned expression as he grabbed Meredith's arms and pulled her back. "Meredith, you have got to calm down."

"Let go of me, Derek Shepherd," she hissed, struggling from his grasp, kicking her legs in the air, noticeable close to Elizabeth's body. Elizabeth stepped back, realizing that Derek's ex-wife was losing it. She could not believe that his ex-wife was seriously about to attack her.

"Meredith, beating the shit out of Elizabeth isn't going to do anything," Derek continued, speaking quietly, but sternly into her ear as he tried to pull her squirming body closer to his. "You have to calm down. I know you're hurting, but this isn't going to help. It isn't going to help Michael."

At the sound of her son's name, Meredith's body physically relaxed and her back leaned against Derek. He held her closely, whispering calming things into her ear. "It's okay Meredith. Everything will be okay. He will be okay, I promise."

Meredith's head fell in embarrassment and she felt Derek's arms tighten around her in a strangely comforting way. Slowly, she started to realize that they were in the middle of a hospital and Elizabeth was there and there were nurses and doctor surrounding them, but she just didn't care. Her baby's life was in danger and she was struggling at holding it all in. She just couldn't do it anymore.

She felt him turning her around slowly. She had no strength to stop him, but she waited until she felt his sweater against her face to let the tears go. His hands ran through her hair, but that only served to increase her sobs into his chest. Her embarrassment was growing, but she couldn't stop herself because her baby was in danger and Derek was here being Dereky and it all felt so miserably right and he was the only one who had ever made her pain go away before, even if he only made more.

He didn't say anything and he didn't stop her. He knew how long she had been holding this in, so he just let her cry in the middle of his hospital and he ignore all the looks from his colleagues and the way Elizabeth subtly walked away and just let her cry into him as he held her tightly. He didn't really care what any of them thought anyways. All that mattered was that Meredith was in his arms and she wasn't okay. He had to make her okay, it was his job. It didn't matter if he wasn't her husband anymore. He had to fix this.

Meredith wasn't sure how much time passed before she finally felt like she was out of tears and her radically breathing calmed down. She could still feel one of Derek's hands in her hair and the other running up and down her back. She almost wanted to keep crying just so she would have an excuse to stay in this place forever, but she knew that wasn't right. Reality was surrounding them and they had to get back to it.

She pulled away slowly, but his hands kept her in place. Instead of fighting him, she looked up into his eyes, finally seeing this terrified expression that he'd been wearing the entire time she'd been in New York. "I'm sorry I got your sweater all wet."

He smiled, "You bought it, it's yours to cry in whenever you want."

Meredith nodded, looking down again and resting her head on his chest. She had bought him this on one of her shopping excursions with Izzie. She remembered it because he wore it out to dinner the night she told him that she was pregnant with Jackie. It was their anniversary and she remembered taking it off him that night at the Archfield, but she tried to suppress that thought as soon as it surfaced.

"Derek?" she mumbled into his chest, not caring if she sounded like a child.

"Yeah, Mer?"

"I'm scared."

"Me too."

_**Suppose I said,  
You're my saving grace.**_

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**So this wasn't exactly as long as the previous chapters, but if I kept going it was going to be extremely long and it might end up being another week before you guys got this chapter, so I decided to split what was planned as one chapter into two. Luckily, that means I already have the next chapter planned out in detail, so hopefully it'll come relatively soon, but next week is exams and then Friday I leave for a three day national debate tournament in PA, so I won't have time to update for a while because I'll be freaking out so much! And once again, I really didn't feel like editing this. It's terrible, but I just didn't feel like it. I'll probably do it one day and reload this chapter, so if there is anything terribly wrong with it, let me know please!**

**Just to let you guys now, I made some changes to chapter 3. Not important changes that mean you have to go back and reread it, but I felt I should tell you. I only did it because I don't really like the way I wrote it and one site I post on requires 1,500 words in each chapter, which usually isn't a problem, but was with that chapter. There are really just a few random words added for the most part, but the entire second paragraph is knew, so if anything, I would suggest you go and just read that one paragraph. It was kind of like a flash back within a flashback. Strange, I know. Just thought I'd let you know! I'm kind of heavy on the commentary in this one, aren't I?**

**Hope I'm not too annoying!**

**Please review, every comment makes me really happy!  
**


	10. If You're Leaving

**So I received a comment lecturing me about the difference between a neurologist and neurosurgeon that was unsigned, so I decided to respond to it here. The review was to Chapter 5 and the word neurologist was in the chapter twice. Twice. Out of what? Like 3,000 words? I know I said that I apologize for any medical inaccuracies, but a neurosurgeon is still a neurologist to some extent in my book. For me and probably for a lot of book, saying a neurosurgeon isn't even in the slightest bit a neurologist is saying that a surgeon isn't a doctor. And the commenter likened a primary care physician that diagnoses stomachaches to a general surgeon who operates on the stomach, but I must say that both a neurologist and a neurosurgeon specialize in neurology. I for one have actually been to a neurologist. The name on the office was like " [last name] Neurology" but he was a neurosurgeon. So, as much as I appreciate constructive criticism, that was a little much, especially considering the tone of the comment. It's one thing to say "Hey, just thought you'd like to know…." But that comment was kind of rude and I didn't really appreciate it. I have to say, I have posted many times on this website before and I've never received anything that I could even contort to be rude or condescending and I've already had two in this story. It's really discouraging I must say.**

**As for all of my offer WONDERFUL reviews, thank you sooo much!**

**So this chapter ended up being shorter than I expected, so that's why you guys are getting it so early. Well, that, and my amazing ability to procrastinate studying for the two exams I have tomorrow that will be followed by two tests for my online class. Now, I shall go force myself to study.**

**Enjoy….**

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Chapter 10: If You're Leaving

Meredith sat in the chair next to Michael's bed as he drifted in and out of sleep. Her eyes were focused on the window to the hallway, the blinds open and barely obscuring her view. She knew she probably shouldn't be watching, but she didn't really care. She was emotionally exhausted because she had just cried into him and confessed her fear to him, but he was standing out there talking to his fiancé like none of it had happened. She wasn't naïve enough to think that her breakdown was going to change the course of their lives, but she selfishly wished it at least affected him. Instead, he was acting like everything was okay and he was just talking to his fiancé about a business trip, instead of a trip of indefinite length to save his son's life. She didn't mean most of the things she had said to him out there, but she couldn't help but question if her and their kids really came in second now. Obviously they weren't – or at least she wasn't – as important as before the divorce, but now he has replacements. She was trying to ignore the parallels, but all she could think about was that Michael and Jackie were going to know almost their entire lives that they were replaced. At least she went nearly thirty years before she figured that out about herself.

They say you marry your father. She never knew that was a possibility for her since she didn't know her father, but apparently the cosmos worked against her. At least her mother didn't really love her father. When they got divorced and he left, she wasn't suffering from an immense amount of pain because the love of her life had just walked out the door. She was upset because her lover wouldn't leave his wife. Meredith on the other hand did have to watch her soul mate walk out the door when she spent the most of her life thinking soul mates didn't even exist. The world's irony really sucked. Part of her wished that she never let Derek convince her that love and happiness and forever actually existed. This whole divorced thing would be a lot easier. At least with her father she could tell herself that her father was replacing her mother and her sister just kind of came with it. She could tell herself that he didn't go seeking out a new daughter. But now, she knew Derek _did_ go searching for a replacement. He wanted a wife that could be everything that she couldn't. She wasn't enough.

Watching them talk was painful enough. Watching him gently place an arm on her or touch her was excruciating. But none of it compared to when he leaned over to kiss her. It was short. Quick. Like a habit. It wasn't something he was supposed to be sharing with anyone other than her. A dark part of her wondered if she had done this to Addison. Addison had only been there for a week or so before Derek divorced her, but she was in Seattle for a little bit longer than that. She wondered if every time Derek had smiled at her, had it torn Addison's insides to pieces. Had she resented the ground Meredith walked on? Meredith couldn't begin to know what it was like for Addison to see that day in and day out when Meredith and Derek had been so affectionate, even at the hospital. They left and came in together every day that they could, holding hands and kissing goodbye. Had she stabbed Addison in the back so many times that she just eventually lost feeling?

The only good that Meredith could find in any of this was that she didn't live here. She didn't have to see this after today. She didn't have to come to their wedding or really ever see them again. Michael and Jackie could, but she didn't have to. They might not understand it now, but eventually they would.

In a darker part of her, all she could think about was that Derek was coming back to Seattle with _her_. To take care of the kid that he shared with _her_. From the marriage he shared with _her_. Not with Elizabeth. With _her_. In some twisted way, that almost made her feel better.

"Meredith?"

Her transfixed gaze finally left the window, moving quickly to the doorway, hoping that her visitor didn't know what she'd been staring at for the past ten minutes. "Oh, Helen, hi."

"I'm sorry for just dropping by," Helen said, once again running her hand through her short brown hair. Apparently Meredith had been right before. Nervous habit.

"No problem, having conscious company would be nice," Meredith said, smiling politely. For some reason, she felt inclined to like this woman. Not just because she was friends with Derek, but there was just something about it that Meredith wanted to trust.

"You know, they're like passing roads. They never cross or connect. They don't ever seem like they're on the same page. Besides, she's been married three times in the past seven years. That should say something," Helen offered, trying to be supportive of this woman. She was probably the only one in New York who knew how torn up Derek was when he first came here. She was the only one who knew how Derek still felt about Meredith.

"This will be Derek's third," Meredith answered absentmindedly. She'd already been found out, so there was no point in her forcing herself to stop staring at Derek as he interacted with his fiancé.

Helen shrugged. "Yeah, but he was married to Addison for ten years and to you for how long?"

"Eight years," she whispered.

"Big difference from what she does. It just doesn't make sense. She doesn't need the money. She shouldn't even have time for all the weddings and divorces when she has two kids, but whatever works for her."

Meredith nodded, "I guess."

Helen walked over to Meredith, "Look, Meredith." Meredith finally turned her eyes over to the woman, "I've known Derek for a long time. I knew him before Addison, during, and now I know him again. He was a mess when he came here. He's still a mess. He hides it, but some days he just can't."

Meredith nodded, but she didn't really believe it. She didn't want to. It was easier to hate Derek and his stupid fiancé. Anger was easier to deal with. Better yet, denial. She could just ignore that the state of New York existed. Then none of it would matter.

"He missed a week of work. Wouldn't answer any phones or the door. When he came back, it took me two more weeks to get him to tell me why he had disappeared. He said it was your anniversary. He said you guys always took that week off and spent it together. He said he just couldn't handle reality that week."

A tear escaped and Meredith's hand immediately moved to hide the evidence before she turned away, crossing her arms on her chest and fixing her gaze on her son. She didn't want to deal with this or think about it even though it was coming at her in a thousand different directions. Despite any of her attempts, the memory of remaining in her bed for a week the past few years kept coming to her mind. She couldn't deal with the fact that neither of them could handle that week. She didn't know what it meant and her mind couldn't process the possibilities.

Helen sighed, running her hair through her hair again. "I know this isn't any of my business, but I just felt like you were missing some of the details. Feel free to tell me to shut up whenever you want me to. I can get kind of nosey."

"It's okay."

Helen didn't move at first, but Meredith's gaze returned to Derek and Elizabeth, watching as Derek kissed her once more before Elizabeth turned to walk in the opposite direction. Derek just stood there, watching her leave and for the millionth time, a part of Meredith wished she knew what he was thinking. Only a part of her, though, because the other part knew that whatever he was thinking would probably only break her heart a little bit more.

Helen silently left the room, hoping Derek wouldn't realize that she had been there to begin with. She really didn't feel like having him attack her for saying anything to Meredith. Luckily enough for her, they were both so far into their own minds that they barely noticed her at all.

A few minutes passed before Derek returned to his son's room as he was intercepted by an intern with discharge papers. He smiled slightly at Meredith, hoping that her mood was back to normal. She barely acknowledged him, so he left her alone, instead sitting down on the other chair in the room. He filled out the papers without really even looking at them. Even though he was used to filling out the doctor part of these papers, they were so familiar to him he could fill out the patient side in his sleep.

"Are we going to make our flight?" Meredith finally asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

Derek looked at his watch, "Yeah. I need to go home a get Jackie. Ms. Jacobs next door is expecting a dinner party and I think one of the requirements for entrance is to be over ten years old."

"Okay," Meredith nodded."

"We'll get into Seattle really early in the morning. Hopefully we can sleep on the plane so our schedules won't be too messed up. We can either go straight to the hospital or back to the house first. It's up to you," Derek said, signed his name in the last spot before standing back up.

"We can decide when we get there."

He nodded. "Right, well, I'll go drop these off at the nurse's station and then I'll go grab Jackie and back a bag. I should be back in an hour. Hour and a half tops. Will you be okay here?"

Meredith nodded, pulling her legs up on the chair and wrapping her arms around herself. He wanted to comfort her, but he wasn't sure he could do anything to help her. At this point, he could read her well enough to know she just wanted him to leave her alone.

"Right. Well, I'll be back soon. Maybe you should try to take a nap or something." Derek turned around after saying the words, looked at her, but she didn't seem to have heard him. She was in her own world and he no longer had claim on any land there.

_**But what do I know, if you're leaving  
All you did was stop the bleeding.  
But these scars will stay forever,  
These scars will stay forever  
And these words have no meaning  
If we cannot find the feeling  
That we held on to together  
Try your hardest to remember**_

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**_**Just to let you know, half the stuff Meredith speculates about in the beginning so isn't true, but it's what she thinks. Just remember that there is a difference in truth and what she thinks from her vantage point. Things can be very different from the other side. **

**Once again, no editing. Forgive me :)**


	11. Home?

**So there really isn't all that much dialogue in this chapter. Meaning, get ready to read some dense stuff! I think this chapter is pretty crucial in understanding what has been going on in Seattle since Derek left, but there is still sooo much more of this story to tell!**

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**Chapter 11: Home?**

He was waiting for the point at which he was going to have to wake up Meredith and ask for directions. He had driven from the hospital to the ferryboats while his family slept without any problem, but he kept feeling like any second now he wasn't going to remember how to get to the house he built for them. It didn't seem right to him that he still remembered it all like it was yesterday. Years had passed, but his brain didn't want to register them. It just felt like they were coming home from Cristina's or Izzie's, everyone asleep but him as usual. The events of the last few days seemed like some kind of contorted dream he had while dozing on Izzie's couch.

The city limits stretched on farther than they had before, proving to Derek that some sort of time had passed and progress had been made by someone in the world. Soon enough, though, the street lights disappeared and the road narrowed as it twisted and turned through the uneven landscape. Eventually he based their mailbox, marking the beginning of their land, even though the house was still a while out.

Reaching the house felt like the strangest thing he had done in months. The last time he'd been there, he had called Izzie to make sure Meredith was at work before he snuck in to grab a few extra things he'd forgotten in his office before he had left the first time. After that, he never came back. They'd always exchanged the kids on mutual grounds or one of them would take them to school and daycare while the other picked up. He never took them here after that. He wasn't sure if that had been conscious on his part or not.

As he pulled into the driveway, the motion-detecting light he'd installed after a half-asleep Meredith hit their garage door turned on in a semi-welcoming way. Derek pressed the garage door opening button in Meredith's car and quickly parked the car before closing it again. As he turned off the engine, he turned around and looked at his family, realizing they were all still asleep.

Getting out of the car, he found his way to the door and keyed the old security code into the security system, hoping it was still the same. The machine beeped once, signaling its acceptance, and Derek quickly grabbed the spare key hidden behind a few things on a nearby shelf before unlocking the door.

He flipped on the lights, feeling his voice caught in his throat as his eyes fell over the house he used to live in. The garage door led into a small back hall, eventually leading to the kitchen. He continued turning on lights throughout the room, feeling vaguely like he was shedding light on old memories.

By the time he ventured back to the garage, Meredith was getting out of the car and opening Jackie's door. "Mer," he whispered, trying to catch her attention. "I'll get them. Just stay out here with her until I get Michael inside.

Meredith just nods in her semi-conscious state, leaning heavily against her car as Derek pulled Michael out of the car and carried him into the house. Michael mumbled a few things in his sleep, but otherwise didn't wake up as Derek wondered through the kitchen to the main entranceway and then finally to the stairs. Everything looked eerily the same, only a few minor differences. A few nightlights guided him down the hall to Michael's room, the door already partially open. Derek pushed it the rest of the way with his back, not surprised that this room had changed. There were bunk beds where his son's small bed used to sit. Derek wasn't completely sure which bed Michael usually slept in, but he laid his son carefully on the bottom bunk before pulling the blankets from underneath him and then tucking him in securely.

As he stepped back, he looked around the room, really noticing how much time had passed since he had last been in this house. There was a bookshelf full of chapter books instead of Dr. Seuss, a desk with actual substantial textbooks on it. His son was growing up. In a few years, he'd be in middle school, and then high school. Derek shook his head, remembering Jackie and Meredith were still in the garage and forced himself to turn around, leaving the door to his son's room cracked open.

He quickly headed downstairs, finding Meredith in the same position with her eyes closed. He called her name, pulling her out of her semi-conscious state and allowing him access to Jackie's door. He pulled his sleep daughter out of the car, gently shutting the door behind him, before heading back into the house with Meredith following him.

He heard Meredith reactivate the alarm before she followed them to the entranceway, turning off lights as they went. As he began up the stairs, he swore he heard her mumble something about hating these stairs, but he dismissed it, knowing exactly what made her say that.

Meredith opened Jackie's shut bedroom door, allowing Derek to easily carry her inside and place her on the bed. As he stepped back, Meredith intervened to tuck her in before turning on her nightlight, obviously feeling the need to take part in her normal motherly routine. She turned around and looked at Derek for a moment, but then shook her head and walked out the door.

Derek quickly followed her out into the hallway, his eyes drifting to the closed door that led to the master suite. "I… uh, can just stay in the guest bedroom," Derek mumbled, turning to the room.

"Wait, no," Meredith said, moving to block his way. "Actually, you can't."

"I can't?"

"That's umm…. That's actually where I sleep," Meredith whispered, her eyes falling to the floor.

Derek's eyebrow wrinkled in confusion as he looked at her standing before him. "Why do you sleep in the guest room?"

She shook her head, as if she was trying to physically shake the issue away from her. "Just go sleep in the master, okay?"

Derek took notice of her annoyed tone, but knew it was solely from embarrassment. He knew better than to ask for an explanation, but he didn't move until she turned around and disappeared into what used to be the least used room in the house.

He looked again at the master suite, but his eyes eventually moved to the door next to Michael's. Taking a deep breath, Derek took the few steps towards the door and turned the doorknob, but found it locked. It didn't surprise him, but it still hurt on some level that she had literally locked that part of their lives away.

Dejectedly, Derek moved to what used to be him and Meredith's bedroom, afraid of not only what he'd find, but also the onslaught of memories he'd find as soon as he stepped inside.

* * *

Closing the door behind her, Meredith leaned up against the wooden door and sighed. She was _so_ not ready for this. Soon there would be questions from Derek about her life and then he would demand full explanations and make her divulge into things she didn't want to think about anymore. There were two rooms in this house that she had not been inside of in years and she was fairly certain that Derek would want to go in both, not just the master.

She pushed herself off the door and collapsed on the bed. Cristina told her she was stupid for living in the guest room. It was smaller, the private bath was pathetic, little closet space, and the bed sucked in comparison to the one Derek was about to be sleeping in. Meredith didn't really care though. She was a small person. She didn't need that much space to begin with. She would be perfectly fine in a house a third of this size, but this was _their _house. Regardless of how out of the way it was or how long it took her to clean it, it was_ their_ house. It wasn't something she could just give up.

As she looked at the room, she suddenly felt extremely pathetic. There were three pictures on the nightstand. The first being their wedding. It was a candid shot of their first dance, Derek had leaned down to kiss her and his mother had just caught the perfect moment. The second was of the day they brought Michael home; Izzie had taken it in front of Seattle Grace. They were all bundled up and Meredith had been freaking out about it being too cold for Michael to be outside, but Derek calmed her down long enough to get one smiling picture out of her and their family. The last was of the day Jackie was born. Meredith was still in her hospital bed and had just succeeded at feeding Jackie for the first time. Michael was almost three years old and had climbed into Meredith's lap, looking down at his new sister with the biggest wonder in his eyes. Meredith on the other hand was looking up at her husband, who stood next to her bed, a few stray tears falling down his face. Mrs. Shepherd had been responsible for that candid shot as well, capturing the family perfectly.

Meredith changed for bed, pulling on sweat pants and another Dartmouth shirt that was just as ratty as before, even though she continued to replace it every couple of years. She sat on the edge of the bed, looking at the pictures, as she unclasped the necklace that held her wedding ring, her engagement ring, and the ring he had gotten her for their fifth anniversary. She always told him that he pampered her too much with jewelry, but she secretly loved it all the same. She laid the necklace out in front of their wedding picture, just as she had every night, but she couldn't tear herself away from the sparkling diamonds.

After the divorce had been finalized for awhile and Derek had already left for New York, Meredith asked Addison what she did with her wedding rings. Addison explained that she threw them off the side of a ferryboat, into the Elliot Bay. Meredith found it oddly appropriate, but she couldn't bring herself to do anything like that for her rings. She wore them for months as if nothing had changed, just because she didn't know what else to do. Cristina finally forced her to take them off, which led to a break down that Izzie resolved by purchasing the nice chain and putting it on Meredith without asking. Meredith never again questioned whether she should be wearing the rings. It even stopped bugging her when her shirts didn't cover the rings. She eventually got to the point that she just wore them out in the open when she wasn't at her practice or the hospital. Her undershirts always covered them, but she figured that anyone that saw her there or out in public knew she wasn't about to go out dating. Why did it matter that she still wore her rings?

Without much conscious thought, she reached from the bed and ran her finger over her wedding ring, feeling the engraving inside the band. She didn't have to turn on the light to know what it said: Love Forever, Der. He didn't tell her he was engraving it, so she eventually stole his ring when he was sleeping after an emergency 36 hours shift and took it to the jewelers. In retrospect, she felt bad about the anxiety she put him through. For days he thought he had lost his wedding ring, but she never said anything to him until she gave it back to him, wrapped perfectly in a little box.

She wondered what he had done with it. She knew he got rid of his wedding ring from Addison, but she never asked him how. It didn't seem like her business; especially since they were just trying to rebuild their relationship after the whole surprise undisclosed wife came out into the open. She figured his rings were long gone, especially since he was engaged, but she wanted to hope that he had them hidden somewhere. It didn't seem ring that he'd throw it out like garbage when it represented eight years of marriage and a decade of a life together. She hoped he had more respect for the love they shared than to just throw them away.

She tried to make herself comfortable in the bed, pulling the covers up to her chin, but she couldn't shake a sudden awareness that had taken over her. Derek was in _their_ house In_ their_ bedroom. And she was hidden in the guest room like a little girl. She felt frail and vulnerable as she heard footsteps in the hallway, knowing that the sound was too deep for it to be the light footsteps of her son or daughter. She felt the need to brace herself, protect herself. It took all the strength she had to not smack down all the picture frames so he would have no idea how much she _hadn't_ healed in years.

The tentative knock at the door made her throat feel dry. Her first attempt to grant his permission to enter failed, so she forced herself to climb out of bed and open the door herself. She only opened it enough to take in the sight of him, preventing him from seeing anything behind her.

"Do you need something?" she asked, hating the way her voice was harsh and cold towards him.

"I…uh. I know it's late, Mer, but I just… I don't understand."

"Understand what?" she spat, hoping that if she held on to this repressed anger a little while longer, he would disappear and she could go back and crumble into pieces in her bed .

"There's a three thousand dollar bed in that room. And 1,000 count sheets. You spent months picking out everything in that room and that bathroom. The closet is completely custom-made. You have a huge Jacuzzi tub in there, just like you always wanted," Derek rambled, trying to ignore all the memories of Meredith spending Sundays in their bed at her mother's house, magazines spread out all over the place as she tried to make their bedroom perfect. It was the only thing she really cared about in the house and Derek had let her run with it. "It doesn't look like you've been in there in years. I swear, there is dust on the comforter."

Meredith shrugged. "There are blankets in the closet. You know that."

Derek shook his head, his hand gripping the door frame. "Meredith, you know what I mean."

"What do you want from me, Derek? Do you want an apology for me not wanting to spend every night by myself in a king size bed that I shared with my husband for eight years? You aren't going to get one. I don't have to explain myself to you," Meredith answered, trying to keep her voice from escalating to the yelling she felt she wanted to do. She just kept reminding herself that the kids were sleeping. Michael _needed_ his sleep.

"Meredith, you could have redone it. Gotten a smaller bed. A third of the upstairs isn't being used," Derek continued, still trying to make sense of it in his head.

"Yeah, well, you could have stayed in Seattle," Meredith hissed, slamming the door behind her and locking the knob. She leaned against the wood again, slipping down to the floor. Her head fell into her knees as she tried to control her breathing. She would not cry. At least not until she heard his footsteps retreating back into the master bedroom.

She waited and waited, but he didn't move and she couldn't hold it in any longer. Tears started rolling down her cheeks silently, but without much warning a long ugly sob escaped from her mouth. She buried her head further into her knees, gripping her arms tightly around herself, trying to build some type of cocoon of safety, just enough to get by.

Through her sobs, she could hear the shifting of his weight on his heavy feet, his hand colliding gently with the door. "Meredith…" he sighed, trying to hold his own composure together. "Mer, let me in. We need to talk."

She shook her head, not even registering the fact that Derek couldn't see her movements. Despite every attempt she made at calming herself down, her sobs continued, increasing in intensity every time he made another plea through the wooden door. Minutes passed before Meredith finally pulled herself up from the floor, walking over to the bed. "Derek, just go to bed," she ordered as sternly as she could as she stumbled into the covers, wrapping herself in the warm blanket.

It seemed like forever before Derek finally mumbled a goodnight and turned to walk away. Meredith heard steps going down the staircase, but she didn't care enough to think about what he was doing. She held herself together until she could no longer hear any movement in her house. Only then did she let the rest of the unshed tears free.

_**I could have lost myself  
In rough blue waters in your eyes  
And I miss you still**_

**

* * *

**

**So, no debate trip. Hence the update. I guess you can all thank my evil new coach and all of her hatred towards the policy division. Anyways, I hope you liked this chapter. Thanks for all the reviews! I hope this cleared up a few doubts people have about what exactly Meredith and Derek both feel, but I'm sure it raises even more questions!**


	12. Everything's a Mess

**Chapter 12: Everything's a Mess**

When Derek rolled over and his eyes finally opened, he slowly regained consciousness and began to realize that he was in the 'Shepherd' house and on the living room couch. He heard a squeal of laughter, discovering the source of intrusion on his sleep. He rubbed his hands over his eyes, trying to physically brush away his exhaustion as he sat up on the couch. It took awhile, but he eventually forced himself off the couch and walked slowly into the kitchen, listening to his daughter laugh and chat endlessly.

By the time he reached the kitchen, he saw his daughter sitting on her knees as she forced a piece of pancake that was too big into her mouth, Meredith sitting next to her and telling her to cut it into smaller pieces. Jackie finally gave in, letting her mother help her cut her pancake into appropriate sizes.

"See, that way you can actually eat it and you won't choke," Meredith joked, moving back to her own breakfast.

"Where's Mikey?"

"He's still sleeping. We have to take him to the hospital a little bit later. That's why I need you to eat a good breakfast," Meredith said, trying to get her usually uncooperative daughter to actually eat her entire breakfast for once.

Jackie dropped her fork on her plate, looking at her mother expectantly. "Are Aunt Cris and Aunt Addie gonna be there?"

"Probably, but they won't come see you unless you eat your breakfast," Meredith continued, picking up her daughter's fork so Jackie could take it and start to eat again.

Jackie shoved another piece in her mouth, barely taking the time to chew it before she looked back over at her mother. "Is Thanksgivin over?"

"Thanksgivin_g_," Meredith corrected, emphasizing the final letter. "And yes, Thanksgiving was two days ago. Maybe we'll have a late one once Michael feels better. Does that sound like a good idea?"

"Can I make a new turkey?" Jackie asked, referring to the hand-traced turkeys they always made in school.

"Sure," Meredith smiled, reaching for the newspaper that was sitting on the table. "Now hurry up, we still have to get you in the shower and dressed."

"I don't wanna take a shower!"

Meredith rolled her eyes behind the paper, making sure her daughter didn't see her own immature behavior. "Just eat, Jackie."

The quiet that came after invited Derek inside the kitchen. He cleared his throat to make his presence known as he walked over to the table. Meredith put the paper down and gave him a small smile. "There are plenty of pancakes," she said, nodding towards the pile on the table next to the an empty plate and fork.

"Thanks," Derek mumbled, walking over to kiss Jackie on the forehead before taking a seat next to his daughter and filling his plate.

"I already called Burke. They have a room and everything ready for him as soon as we get there. He's turning Michael into a VIP patient basically. Dr. Kenick has already been briefed on the case. His shift doesn't end until late tonight, so he'll be there the rest of the day. He said that we don't have to rush unless some new complication arises, but he wants to at least exam him and finalize his treatment plan today. If we get there early enough then maybe we can go ahead and start treatment," Meredith explained, trying to keep talking just to pass the time. She had full intentions of talking only about Michael. Life was so much easier that way.

"Am I going to the hospital?" Jackie asked, placing her fork down and looking at her mother with a smile, "I finished!"

"You sure did," Meredith laughed. She stood up to gather her daughter's place, kissing her on the forehead in passing. "You're going to come with us. Remember, you wanted to see Aunt Cris and Aunt Addie?"

"Aunt Addie?" Derek asked, looking at Meredith confusedly.

"Yes, Aunt Addie," Meredith repeated. "Addison and I have risen above."

"You what?" Jackie asked, turning around to look at her mother at the sink.

Meredith shook her head, "Nothing honey. Anyways, if we have to stay for a long time then Aunt Addie is going to take you home, okay? You love going to her house."

"Yup!" Jackie squealed. "Daddy, do you know my Aunt Addie? She has two little doggies named Scoot and Obbie. They were Uncle Rob's first."

"Oh," Derek said, listening intently to his daughter for her benefit more than his own. "You like dogs?"

"Little doggies," Jackie explained. "Aunt Cris has a doggie too. He's big and mean."

"What's his name?"

"Surge."

"How appropriate," Derek smirked, looking over at Meredith, but she was in her own world while she cleaned up the kitchen from breakfast.

Derek watched her move around the kitchen. After years of living with him and influence from his very persistent mother, Meredith eventually became rather capable in the kitchen. She wasn't about to deter from any recipe, but she could follow any and make edible food, which Derek knew was a serious improvement from when they met. Still, she had never been so comfortable in the kitchen. He used to do the majority of the cooking and she would either be getting the kids dressed or taking them up for baths while he cleaned. She really only cooked on nights that he was working. He never really watched her do the more domesticated things as she was now.

When they were dating and kids still scared the crap out of her, he always knew that one day, she'd make a good mother. Her compassion made her perfect with kids. She always knew how to make them smile and when she loved the child, she did even more. In this moment, he realized she'd been more perfect for motherhood than he had even thought. She gave up so much in her life for them and it didn't bother her. She was a great neurosurgeon, but she wasn't the best. They both knew that had nothing to do with her talent or ability, just the amount of time she was willing to put into it. Her kids came first, they always did. That's why she gave up the thrill of the hospital she loved so much for regular hours and weekends off. She put them above herself, hence the reason she looked like she was being dragged into the ground. She told him that the shorter hair was easier to deal with and she didn't have time to highlight anymore. He was beginning to think she just didn't care about anything other than their kids. Not even herself.

"Daddy! Wanna see what I made in art class?" Jackie asked, jumping up and down in front of the kitchen sink as Meredith tried to clean of her hands and face with a wet paper towel.

"Sure," Derek smiled, trying to take his eyes off Meredith, who he constantly had to remind himself was his ex-wife.

"Come on!" Jackie laughed, running out of the kitchen without her father, fully expecting him to know where to go.

Meredith shook her head at her daughter's unmatchable energy, leaving them alone to go check on her son. She trudged up the stairs, feeling even more exhausted than she had the night before. She had barely gotten any sleep, waking up constantly with nightmares that she hadn't had in years. Each one was a little more vivid, a little farther from the truth, and little more painful to experience. It was really starting to get to her.

As she pushed open the door to Michael's room, she saw his eyes meet hers, wide awake and full of wonder. He looked up at her for a moment before trying to reciprocate the smile she gave him.

"Hey, baby," Meredith whispered, walking over to her son and kissing his forehead before sitting on the edge of his bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Hot," he answered, "And cold."

"I think your fever is back."

He adjusted his body slightly, pulling the comforter tightly around his body. "Is that bad?"

"Not at all," Meredith answered, shaking her head. "It's to be expected."

"Am I gonna have a fever forever?"

Meredith smiled, "No. It should go away after we get you to the hospital and they get you on more medicine."

Michael nodded, his eyes drifting away from his mother and moving around his room. "Is Dad here?"

"He's downstairs with your sister," Meredith answered quickly, hoping to change topics as soon as she could. "Do you think you can hold anything down for breakfast? Is your stomach okay? We have lots of crackers and fruit and juice. I'll bring something up here for you."

"Yeah, crackers sound good," Michael said, pushing the blankets away from his suddenly hot body.

Meredith sighed. "I'm going to have you Daddy carry you into my room, okay? That way you can lay in there and watch tv while you eat. Your Daddy can stay with you while I clean up your sister. Does that sound good?"

Michael nodded as he felt his mother's weight shift off from the bed. He watched her walk away to the door, but called out for her the second before she crossed into the hallway. "Mom, you never answered my question."

"What question, bud?" Meredith asked, turning back to her son.

"Do you love Dad?"

Meredith smiled, trying to find away to explain this to her ten-year-old son. She didn't know how she would have wanted this explained to her when she was his age, but at the same time, she knew her mother hadn't loved her father so the explanation would have been much different, and much more painful for a kid. "I'll always love you Dad, Michael. He was husband and he gave me you and your sister. I'll always love him, but we won't always be together. I don't want you to think that just because he's here now that Elizabeth is going to go away or that he's going to stay here. Once you're all better, your Daddy will be going back to New York. He has a whole life there."

"One without us?"

"Yes…" Meredith answered, feeling like she was breaking her own son's heart. "But that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He'll always love you and Jackie."

"What about you?"

Meredith shook her head, "That's not important. Just get some rest and your Dad will be up here soon to bring you to my room with your food, okay?"

"Okay."

* * *

Derek watched his son eat out of the corner of his eye, knowing that if Michael was aware of the fact that he was watching him, he'd be just as annoyed as his mother. He pretended to care about whatever little cartoon was playing on the television, but he really didn't care about it at all. He was in Meredith's room. It was practically a recreation of her room at her mother's house. The furniture there had all been solid wood and nice. Even though they didn't want it in their bedroom, they couldn't just get rid of it, so they put it in the guest room. The bedding was different of course, but it still all had the same Meredith style to it. Most of all, it smelt like her. She was completely surrounding him and to be honesty, it was kind of freaking him out.

His mind was starting to run on overdrive, going through all of his memories in this house. He didn't have that many in the guestroom, but he had plenty that involved him listening to his wife force his daughter into a shower or a bath, just as she was now. Except, she wasn't his wife anymore. And he didn't live here. None of this was really his. It used to be, but it wasn't now.

"What's wrong with you?" Michael bluntly asked, making Derek realize that he hadn't touched a cracker in nearly ten minutes.

"Nothing is wrong with me," Derek answered quickly. "How's your mother been doing?"

Michael shrugged, turning back to the television and picking up another cracker. "Sad. She's been going to her doctor a lot again. Jackie and I usually go to Aunt Addie's until she's done and can take us home."

"Her doctor?" Derek asked quickly, a sudden wave of pain passing through his chest and catching in his throat.

Michael nodded, still not turning away from the television. "The one that makes her talk."

"Her therapist?"

Michael shrugged, "Mom just calls her a doctor."

Derek thought about his son's words for awhile, running them all through his mind in silence. _Therapy_. Meredith was in therapy. He had tried for months to get her to go to therapy. To see anyone or talk to anyone, but she wouldn't. Now she went whenever she felt a little sad?

A little bit of anger swelled in him, but he quickly extinguished it with guilt. He shouldn't know about it. Meredith probably didn't want him to know about it. She probably wouldn't have told Addison if she hadn't needed someone to watch the kids whenever she had an appointment. He just wasn't exactly sure why she needed a therapist now. Her life was fine. She was put back together, had friends, a successful practice, two great kids. Before, she needed therapy. Really needed it. It made sense that therapy helped her put her life back together, but he couldn't quite understand why she needed it now when she seemed so much better. Everything in her life seemed perfectly fine.

* * *

"Dr. Kenick was just paged, but he said he would be back to talk to you as soon as he figured out what they needed," a young intern, Dr. Holden explained, watching as Meredith and Derek signed a few forms in the conference room. Insurance. Admittance. History. Boring anyway you looked at it.

"Thank you," Derek answered, hating the way the doctor was looking at him like he was some type of legend. Usually he appreciated the way people in the medical field admired him and looked up to him, but he didn't want some intern on his son's case if he couldn't think of anything other than his son's last name. They were all pretty used to Meredith as she had plenty of consults at the hospital, but the amazing Derek Shepherd was still something for Dr. Holden and all of his friends to gawk at.

The door opened rather quickly, Dr. Kenick stepping in and closing it behind him. "Sorry about that," the man apologized. "I'm sorry to see you again on these terms, Meredith. And the same for you Dr. Shepherd," he said quickly.

Derek looked at the man and then at Meredith, not liking the way the doctor was looking at his ex-wife. Meredith briefly smiled at him before signing her name again, but it was more of a smile than Derek had seen from her in awhile. Something built up in Derek's chest again, but he couldn't find an antidote to make the feeling go away.

"I already examined Michael. It looks like we caught this pretty early, which is good. He's having another MRI, just to see if there are any changes. Hopefully there won't be any new lesions from the ones that were there two days ago. If there aren't any changes, then I'm going to start him with intravenous methyl prednisolone along with his anti-nausea medicine and we'll watch his fever carefully. Right now, it's only at 100 degrees, which in perspective is a relatively good sign. Unless anything unexpected rises, he'll be on the IV meds for three days. Hopefully there will be some improvement that we'll check with another MRI. If so, we'll discharge him with oral steroids," Dr. Kenick explained thoroughly, knowing Meredith would want to know every detail of her son's treatment. "Dr. Bailey's shift starts at six tonight, so she'll be spending the night with your son and will be briefed on the case when she gets here, by me personally. Her peds skills will definitely come in handy, even though she already knows Michael."

"Thank you so much, Will," Meredith said, sitting back in the chair as she pushed the final document over to Derek. "Do you know if Addie is in, yet?"

"Yeah, she's the one who just paged me. Consult for a woman in the pit."

"Well, then you probably should get back to that. What room did put Michael in?"

"4071. He should be back from his MRI in about twenty minutes. I'll be in to check on him after a few other patients. Nurse Debbie personally assigned herself to Michael's case, so she'll be in there off and on. Dr. Holden here has a surgery in cardio scheduled in an hour, so Dr. Walck should be in to start the IV soon after Michael is back," William explained quickly. "Dr. Walck is the third year that pulled off that domino with Dr. Jenkins last month. Remember?"

"I do," Meredith smiled, "She shows a lot of promise. She's great with kids as well. I had her on a case a few months ago."

"Good, well, I'll see you later, okay?"

Meredith nodded as William turned around to leave, "Thanks a lot, really, Will."

"Not a problem," he answered, giving her a quick smile before opening the door and leaving with Dr. Holden behind him.

Derek quickly stacked the papers, keeping them in order and perfectly straight. He didn't say anything because he knew he would probably just piss off Meredith if he did.

_Ex-wife. Ex-wife. Ex. As in not anymore. _

He kept that little chant running through his head because he didn't know what else to do. He did not like those looks that man was giving Meredith, but he didn't have a right to care. But he did. He was pissed off. That man looked at Meredith like he used to, when they first met. That was not okay.

Meredith was looking at him strangely, but he didn't care. He just had to focus on the task at hand. Their son. Dr. Kenick was the best this hospital had and he was treating their son. That was good. Great even. Perfect. Just perfect. Even if Derek was pretty sure this _Will_ guy really wanted in his ex-wife's pants.

_**It's the perfect time of year  
Somewhere far away from here  
I feel fine enough, I guess  
Considering everything's a mess.**_

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**So this chapter felt like a huge filler, but the foundation for important things is laid and some unplanned things took root. That made the whole lyrics and title thing extremely hard, but whatever. I'm pretty sure I do that more for me and other music freaks like me than for anyone else. The next chapter should be much more substantial, so just hang in there until I can write that one.**

**Surprise, surprise, no editing. :) Sorry!**


	13. Edge

**So I've had half of this chapter written for like five days, but then I got **_**really**_** sick, so I wasn't even thinking about this story, much less actually writing it. I'm doing better now, though, so I spent a lot of today thinking about this a working on it. I hope you guys like this chapter!**

**There have been some questions regarding the timeline of this story, so I just want to clarify things. I know it's kind of confusing, I have a timeline to keep track of it all myself :). So, fifteen years ago, Meredith and Derek met, and they got married two years later (remember, my mer & der were much more stable at the beginning) So that was thirteen years ago. Three years after that, Michael was born (He's 10), two years later, Jackie was born (She's 7, turning eight). When Michael was five and Jackie was two or three, Meredith and Derek got divorced, so they were only married for eight years. Derek left Seattle a year after the divorce. This story takes place five years after the divorce. Hope that clears things up for people!**

**I love all the reviews! Thank you so much! If I could, I'd update this sooo much more, so thanks for sticking with me through the weekly updates!**

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**Chapter 13: Edge**

Walking around this hospital, Derek felt a weird sense of déjà vu. It was to be expected – he had worked there for over a decade – but it was still creeping him out on some level. Some things had changed, but he felt that for the most part, everything was the same. People still feared Bailey and Burke's arrogance had only grown while he'd been Chief. Things were going on just as they would have had Derek stayed. The one difference of course being Dr. Kenick. _Will_ as Meredith liked to call him. Derek didn't know him very well. When he left, he had suggested that Dr. Yeatts take over as Department Head, but apparently Burke chose to look outside of Seattle for his replacement. The guy seemed nice enough and his reputation was astounding, but nothing could make Derek like him.

The intern, Dr. Walck, had taken Michael for a few extra tests, giving them the perfect excuse for lunch. Derek volunteered to take Jackie for a happy meal before Addie was able to take her home, but Derek hadn't thought about what Meredith would be doing with the free time.

As he walked down the hallway, his seven-year-old daughter's hand in his, his eyes instantly fell to the cafeteria. They continued their stroll in that direction while Jackie rattled on about her plans for her upcoming birthday party and the difficult process of selecting friends for the very exclusive affair, but he was only half-heartedly listening. Part of him felt guilty for not giving her his undivided attention, but he buried that guilt deep inside of himself to be dealt with later. As soon as the cafeteria came into full view, he wasn't surprised at what he saw. In the corner, Meredith was sitting eating her lunch, accompanied by none other than Dr. Kenick.

And she was laughing. Like her son wasn't having an immense amount of tests done on his body right now. His footsteps stopped and he felt that cruel feeling in his chest grow to something he couldn't begin to fight off. He knew he had no right to care, but his son's doctor was sitting to close to Meredith, listening too intently to everything she said, and doing too good of a job at making her forget everything else in her life.

"Daddy! Aunt Addie is here!" Jackie said, pulling on her absent father's arm, trying to get some sort of reaction from him.

Derek heard everything his daughter said, but he didn't process a single word, allowing it to pass through his mind without any recognition that would tear his attention away from the scene in front of him. Slowly, _Will _placed his hand on Meredith's. He was touching her. Meredith's flinch meant nothing to Derek, because another man was touching _his_ Meredith.

It was caveman-like. Stupid. Irrational. Immature. The surge of emotions he was feeling was pure testosterone, the only thing strong enough to sober his rapid mind was his ex-wife in her stiletto heels blocking the sight of his _other_ ex-wife, her hand on her hip.

"Aunt Addie!" Jackie squealed, letting her father's hand go and running over to her aunt. Addison instantly bent down to her "niece's" level and talked with her quietly about the doll in her hands before instructing her to head down the hall to her Uncle Rob.

Derek watched as Addie interacted with his daughter as if she was her own child, and then as Jackie ran into the arms of another man that Derek had never met. Before he had the chance to assess the man that Addison chose after him, Addison made her closer presence known with a not-so-subtle tap of her toe.

He turned his eyes in her direction, taking in her rather pissed of expression. Excuses naturally lined up in his mind, trying to give him something to say to her that made him look even slightly better, but he knew nothing would do the trick. Addison had never put up with his crap.

"Derek Shepherd," she hissed sharply, making her upcoming point already known. "Before you go and make a complete ass of yourself, I suggest you step back, and realize there is nothing you could do to redeem yourself in her eyes as it is. You might as well remain whatever pride you have intact."

He pulled away from her at her words. He had expected her to yell at him about leaving in the first place, not his meager attempt to subtly stare at his ex-wife across the cafeteria. Apparently both of them lacked in subtlety. "I wasn't going to do anything."

"Your track record sorely precedes you," Addison continued, her tone remaining cool despite the harsh intention in her words. "I'm going to make myself very clear here. _Very_ clear. You are here as emotional support for Michael. You are not here for Meredith. Meredith has a life here, and whether that life includes Will or not has nothing to do with you. As soon as Michael is discharged, which from what I know is going to be in three days, you will get on a plane and never come back here. Michael and Jackie can visit you, but you do not need to be here until one of them graduates and you have a few years before you need to worry about that. You need to leave Meredith alone."

"I wasn't-"

"Stop saying the same thing. I get you see yourself as the innocent victim here Derek, but let me tell you, breaking a loveless marriage is one thing. Ending a marriage when the woman is still completely and totally in love with you and entirely emotional dependant on you is just cruel. I don't care how you justify it," Addison spat, her hand moving to point at Meredith, "That woman goes at least four times a year to a cemetery by herself to mourn the loss of a child that subsequently ended your marriage. The day you left, you put the blame for Maggie and the divorce on her solely. Coupling that with everything else you've done, it's inhumane."

Derek took a deep breath, trying to calm his mind. He was processing what Addison was saying, but he wanted to turn his brain off. He didn't want to have to think about all the things he'd done wrong here. He was well-aware, but it was one thing admitting it to yourself and entirely different thing for someone else to verbally magnify every mistake in your life in front of you.

"Think about that Derek. You said she was the love of your life. And what do you do? Destroy her. She was a whole person when she was Meredith Shepherd. Now she's just Meredith Grey, just as broken as she was before. You did that to her. No one else. Just you," Addison said, finishing her speech and turning on heel to join her husband and niece, leaving a very disturbed Derek Shepherd in her wake.

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Derek pulled his ringing phone out of his jacket and stood up, glancing at his sleep son and Meredith's drooping eyes. He quickly slipped out of the room, seeing _Kathleen_ scrolled across the screen on his phone. He took a deep breath and put the phone to his ear. "Hey Kath."

"Hey. I just wanted to know how everything was going in Seattle," she said, trying to make the conversation sound normal, like she wasn't calling to make sure her nephew was still breathing.

Derek's eyes fell back into his son's room, watching as Meredith shifted her body again in the uncomfortable chair, propping her feet up against the bed and finally turning the page of the magazine she'd been staring at for the past hour. "They started him on IV meds as we expected. They did another MRI and there aren't any more lesions. If everything goes well he'll be discharged in three days and I'll be on my way back east."

"What?" Kathleen asked quickly, not really thinking about what she was saying. "You're going to leave Meredith alone to deal with that? He'll still be sick and she'll have Jackie and her practice. Not to mention the rate of relapse. You need to stay there until you are positive he's going to be fine."

He sighed heavily, running his fingers through his hair as he took a few steps away from his son's relatively private room. "I know that. How could you think that I don't? I want to stay here. I don't want to leave."

Kathleen pretended that he said he didn't want to leave until Michael was better, just so she didn't feel the need to pester him about Meredith right now. She didn't have the heart to give him more things to deal with. "Then why are you?"

"I have been here for less than twenty-four hours. I have received death glares from multiple people, which may sound stupid and minor, but you have never met Cristina Yang. And Addison – well, let's just say she said a few things that you all have been too nice to say. She was honest…. and Kath I just can't stay here and watch her like this."

"Like what?"

Derek shook his head, knowing how stupid he was about to sound. He was e_ngaged_. Engaged to be married, but it just didn't seem to matter anymore. "Will Kenick. My replacement at the hospital apparently wants to replace me in my own house as well."

Kathleen bit her tongue, knowing she needed to choose her words carefully. She didn't want her brother to throw a fit right now or break down crying. "Derek, you may have built it and you may even pay for it, but that house isn't yours."

He knew she was right. She didn't even really need to say it. It was Meredith's. He had no real claim on it outside of the legal world. Him and Meredith never did that whole splitting everything thing when they got divorced. He just left and took only the necessities. He knew she was completely right. But he also knew that the house wasn't the only thing he had no claim on and that was the real point of what Kathleen was saying. Sometimes, he wished he didn't understand everything she said.

"How is Jackie holding up?" Kathleen asked after a moment of silence, deciding a change of subject was the best thing.

"She was wonderful and talkative all morning," Derek answered, smiling at the thought of his energetic daughter. "She had a million things to show me around the house. I took her to lunch too and the entire time she talked about the birthday party she wants to have. I don't think Meredith knows what she's getting herself in to. Addie took her home though. Apparently Jackie loves going to her Aunt Addie's."

"Talk about a twisted family," Kathleen mumbled, not meaning to say that out loud. She cleared her throat and continued before Derek could respond. "It's good she's not at the hospital. I'm sure she'd be completely restless."

"Yeah, but I can tell she's worried about her big brother."

"Of course she is," Kathleen agreed, not understanding what made this so amazing and surprising to Derek.

Derek sighed, finally finding a few empty chairs after roaming around the hospital corridors. He sat down, noticing he didn't really know anyone around them. "Do you remember when Dad died?"

Kathleen swallowed hard, trying her best to be okay with where this conversation was going. "Yes…."

"I had to be the man. I was seven and I had to be the man of the family. Dad didn't want that for me. He didn't leave by choice. He was forced. Michael was five when we got divorced, six when I left Seattle. I did the same thing to him, but I chose that, knowing what it could do to him," Derek explained, the volume of his voice dropping with every word as his tone slowly filled with shame. "What kind of person does that?"

"Derek, you didn't do this to him. Even if he feels like he has to be the man of the house, he's still a happy kid. He knows his parents love him. If he turns out like you, you'll have nothing to be ashamed of. That's probably exactly what Meredith wants for him. Regardless of what you may think, you are a good man Derek. You didn't ruin your son's life," Kathleen soothed, snapping into therapist mode the second Derek finished talking.

Derek scoffed at her answer, doubting every word she said. She didn't know. She didn't know what that had done to him and she didn't know Michael. "Kath, she's in therapy."

"Meredith?"

"Yes, Meredith," he snapped. "I spent months trying to get her into therapy. I don't get it."

"Wake up call, Derek. That's what the divorce was for her."

He sighed again, noticing Cristina walk past him without dignifying his existence with a glance. She was past anger to pure ignorance. "I know. I just feel like this whole damn this is my fault. I should have been home more. Before the divorce. I shouldn't have left her home with the kids so much. Then I could have prevented the whole damn thing and Michael wouldn't have had to be the one to call the ambulance. It's not right. Everything that Meredith and I went through when we were young, all the things we said our kids would never know…. I've done all of that to them."

"Derek…. I don't –"

"Ellis Grey. She tried to kill herself when Meredith was five. She slit her wrists in front of her daughter, told her not to call 911. Meredith sat there, covered in her mother's blood and had to wait until Ellis passed out to call the ambulance," Derek explained harshly, feeling the hate he's always held against Ellis swell inside of him. "Michael had to watch her lay there. There was so much blood on the carpet when Mark and I got there to clean up. So much blood, Kath. My four year old son had to deal with that. He had to call the ambulance. If I had just been there, none of this would have happened."

"You don't know that Derek," Kathleen answered quietly. "A million other things could have gone wrong and led to the same outcome."

"Had I been there or at least been able to get her to stay home and not do everything, this wouldn't have happened. There was nothing medically wrong that would have made it spontaneously occur. I could have prevented it," Derek whispered.

"No… no you couldn't."

"Derek?"

Derek 's head snapped up, his hand quickly running under his eyes as he looked down the hall, seeing Meredith standing in her wrinkled clothes, her arms wrapped around her body protectively. "Hungry?"

"Yeah," Derek answered, looking down at his watch and realizing it was almost eight o'clock. "Give me one second and we'll get something for dinner."

Meredith nodded before turning back to Michael's room, her movements long and drawn out. She seemed like a completely different person right now from who she was this morning or whenever the kids were around. He knew this exhausted version of her was the truth and it terrified him.

"Kath, Mer's hungry for dinner. I think I'm going to go pick something up," he said into the phone, finally tearing his eyes away from where she'd been standing.

"Why don't you take her out? You both need to get out of that hospital. I'm sure Michael's sleeping anyways. Those drugs leave him extremely drowsy," Kathleen persuaded, hoping he'd take her advice.

"I don't know, but I'll talk to Mer and see what she says," he answered, not sure if he was really comfortable with being alone with Meredith right now.

"You'll be okay, Derek. You will be, Michael will be, and so will Meredith. You all will get through this, I promise."

"Thanks, I'll call you later," Derek said before finishing his goodbye and hanging up the phone. He felt like his head was everywhere, but he tried to ignore it and pull himself together.

When he finally reached his son's door, he stopped and watched the scene play out before him. Meredith was leaning over their son, whispering something to his sleeping body before pulling back enough to adjust the blankets around him, carefully tucking him in. She stepped away long enough to grab her purse before returning to Michael's side. Her body obstructed Derek's view, but when she finally moved away from the bed, convinced that he was fine, Derek noticed the monkey tucked in next to him, bringing a reminiscent smile to his face.

Meredith turned around as she left the room, seeing Derek and immediately blushing for embarrassment. "It's just a comfort thing… really more for me than him," she explained hastly.

Derek just nodded, watching as she turned off the light and followed him into the hallway. "I remember when he was so attached to that thing. He'd carry it with him everywhere."

Meredith nodded, both of them lazily walking down the hall without a real decided destination. "He kind of still is. Not as much as then, but after you left, he wouldn't let it go. He kept it in his book bag at school and brought it wherever we went."

Derek sighed, "My son replaced me with a worn-out monkey."

"It was just a phase," Meredith mumbled, wishing she hadn't brought it up. She knew that it would hurt him, but for a moment, she almost didn't care. "I think it just made him feel closer to you. He knew that you bought it for him."

"I did?" Derek asked, his eyes finally following on Meredith.

They both stopped in front of the elevator, Derek leaning to press the button. "Yeah, the day I told you that I was pregnant, you went out and bought it," Meredith answered with a smile, "Along with a bunch of other things we didn't need for months."

"I was excited."

Meredith laughed, "So was I."

An awkward silence formed between them, filling the distance with long-forgotten memories and some they can't go through a day without thinking of. All of the promises and what if's were between them, making the distance feel larger, more substantial. The damage was done. This was who they were now, and what they _weren't_ anymore. Derek knew that he just needed to remember that, and maybe, he could get through his time in Seattle without crushing her a little bit more.

_**We're standing on the edge of this,  
When our soul is gone - what will we miss?  
We lost what it takes to really, really feel.**_


	14. Falling Apart

**This would have been up days ago had the login thing not been broken, but at least this means it will be less than a week until I update again!**

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**Chapter 14: Falling Apart**

"God, I can't remember the last time we did this," Derek laughed, dropping his chopsticks in the container in front of his lap, stretching out his body against the beige carpet beneath him.

He looked over at Meredith, smiling as she struggled with the chop sticks, just like always. She giggled at his words, noticing his eyes were watching her pathetic attempt at eating properly. "I think it was after Michael finally slept through the night. You went out to get the food and I was already passed out by the time you got here."

Derek laughed. "And I sat there for twenty minutes debating whether I was going to wake you up or not, but then you just woke up and grabbed my Chinese, even though your burger was sitting right next to it."

Meredith shrugged, "I felt like Chinese."

"You hate Chinese."

"_Hated_. There's a difference."

"I guess so," Derek smiled, picking up his food again. "We were up till four in the morning that night. Funny, the first night our son actually sleeps and we didn't."

"It was the first time in months we got to talk about something that wasn't babies. And then we got a little carried away…"

Meredith blushed, regretting the words that slipped out of her mouth. You weren't supposed to mention amazing sexual experiences with your ex-husband to him, were you? Isn't that the epitome of awkward? She was a complete idiot. Stupid.

Derek cleared his throat, not knowing the appropriate protocol for responding to something like that. That left the next best thing: avoidance. "So, you know this Dr. Kenick, right?"

"Will?" Meredith asked, looking up at Derek. He nodded, trying to ignore the way he swore her face lit up. "Yeah, he's a great guy. I see him whenever I have consults at the hospital. We usually grab something to eat or talk over coffee."

"I meant as a doctor," Derek said, slightly harsher than he originally intended.

Meredith looked up at him, surprised at the way he was speaking to her. "Well, you're both rather famous neurosurgeons. I figured you knew his professional accreditations. I wasn't aware that I needed to recite them to you."

"Sorry," Derek mumbled, shaking his head. He really didn't need to cause some fight between them right now. That was really the _last_ thing he needed. "I'm just stressed out, you know?"

"Yeah. I'm kind of glad Bailey threatened me to leave. Apparently our presence isn't going to do a damn thing for our son," Meredith continued, hoping that if she pretended everything was normal, than it suddenly would be.

"He'll be fine Mer, we know that," Derek sighed. Maybe he could convince her it would be. He looked around the living room as Meredith went back to shoveling food in her mouth, continuing her never ending ability to amaze him with the amount of food she could eat. His eyes eventually fell on the stairs and he couldn't look away from it, until he finally noticed something. "You replaced the carpet."

"Yes…. I did," Meredith answered, unsure of how this was going to play out.

"When?"

"I think it was the first thing I did after you left. Actually, I made Alex do it, but either way, it was done."

Derek nodded, his eyes falling back to the carpet for a moment before he looked at her again, "Left Seattle or left here?"

"Left our family."

Derek swallowed. "You couldn't see the blood anymore. Mark and I made sure of it."

"I could," she answered, suddenly getting up and grabbing all of the cartons, disappearing into the kitchen without another word.

"Meredith, we should talk about this," Derek continued, following her. She threw the cartons into the trash, moving to the sink to slowly and methodically wash her hands.

Turning off the water, she braced herself against the sink. Derek didn't move a step closer to her, waiting for her to make her next move. "What do you want me to say Derek?"

"We just never talk about it."

Meredith turned around, her eyes blaring at him. "What? We never talked about how I killed our daughter? Well, I'm sorry, but somehow, that wasn't on my list of priorities. Sometimes you don't need to say everything. Talking isn't going to make it better. It doesn't make it go away."

"Do you honestly think that's what I want to do? That I just want Maggie to go away so I never have to think about her again? If anyone, that's what you want to do. You're the one who's locked her bedroom up like it's infested our something. I never asked you to make it go away or forget it happened."

She turned away, walking towards the side of the kitchen before turning in the opposite direction, as if pacing was actually going to help her right now. "Admit it. You honestly thought that if I talked about it, I would be okay. You resent me because I wouldn't talk about it. You still think that had I, than everything would be okay. You do, don't you?"

"It would have helped."

"No, it wouldn't have. Talking about it has never helped. And frankly, you didn't give a crap what would help me. Had you, you never would have left me! You would have stayed here, you would have been the man I married instead of some coward who blames his wife for the loss of their daughter!"

Derek sighed, running his hand through his hair. He didn't want to yell at her, so he needed to calm down. "I don't blame you, Meredith. I never did. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Really? You weren't sitting there thinking, if only I hadn't kept working or if I had taken better care of myself than I wouldn't be giving birth to our dead child? Can you really tell me that none of those thoughts went through your mind?"

"No, damn it!" Derek snapped, the shock of his outburst flashing across her face. "All I could think about was if I had been home more, so you wouldn't have to take care of two kids. Or had I done more of the housework so that you wouldn't have been worrying about laundry that day. Or that if I only knew how to take care of my wife, she wouldn't still be in bed a year after it happened. I failed you, Meredith! I know I did, so stop pretending like you don't!"

"Derek, I gave birth to a still born, had a broken arm, a spinal injury, and a head injury. I was lucky I had the ability to walk. Put the PTSD on top of that and you honestly expected me to just jump back to being a mother, a wife, and a surgeon like my whole life hadn't just fallen apart?"

"No. I knew you felt like you had nothing left-"

"So you thought the best way to help me was by leaving me?"

"I left you to help you!"

"Bullshit, Derek! Who the hell does that?"

"You got out of bed," Derek answered calmly.

"What?" Meredith spat, trying to calm herself down before she lost her voice from all the yelling.

"The day after I left, you got out of bed."

"The day I woke up to Cristina and divorce papers, I got wasted. Probably could have killed myself considering the amount of drugs I was on, but I got wasted. Then I spent the rest of the evening throwing up. When Cristina finally got me out of the bathroom, I walked out of that bedroom and I haven't been back since. I went to work the next day because I suddenly had a house and two kids to take care of all by myself. You didn't magically cure me. It just suddenly didn't matter that I hated myself and that everything I did hurt so much it was unbearable. I had two kids that only had me left to depend on and I refused to be my mother. You didn't help me. You just played in to every single fear and insecurity I've been trying to forget since the day I met you."

"I didn't know what else to do! I couldn't watch you just lie around every day anymore. You wouldn't look at me or talk to me. You wouldn't let me touch you… I just-"

"So this was about sex? Seriously? Let me try and crack your back in half and let's see if you want to have sex after that. Oh wait, I have to pull a dead human being out of your vagina first too. Then we'll see how manly you are."

"Meredith, this wasn't about sex! It was about the fact that you wouldn't let me help you. I'd hear you crying at night and you wouldn't let me brush away your tears and hold you, rub your back. I couldn't even hold your hand. I couldn't touch my wife for over a year unless you needed help getting to the bathroom! It was about the fact that my wife was gone. You weren't even a person anymore."

"Derek, I fell down the stairs, killed my daughter and almost killed myself. My son had to call an ambulance because his mommy was bleeding from her head and he thought she was dead! How do you expect me to recover from that? And I knew you blamed me. Every time you looked at me, I could tell. So I stopped looking at you. I couldn't handle it. I blamed myself enough for the both of us. I didn't need a constant reminder that I had failed my entire family. Damn it, Derek. I told you from day one not to get involved with me. I told you I would screw it up and when I did, you left."

"Meredith, it wasn't your fault."

"Oh really? Cause every mother does that? Mothers who already have four or five kids at home manage to get through a pregnancy just fine without killing their child, but not me! I know you blame me, Derek. You resent me for killing Maggie. I get it, I do. Stop pretending like you don't."

"I don't resent you, Meredith! I'll never resent you!"

"Well, it was enough to make you stop loving me. Enough for you to throw away a decade of a life together like it was nothing. How the hell do you think that makes me feel?"

"I don't know Meredith. Cause all I can think about is how this conversation is destroying any progress we could possibly make while I'm here. And then when I leave, you're going to find yourself with this Will guy, because he saved your son. And he's patient and caring and there when I wasn't. And before long, I'm going to have to envision that man's hands on you and it makes me want to through up. I'm going to spend the rest of my life wondering if you would have met him sooner, would you have chosen him over me? Are you going to love him more than you loved me? I'm going to spend the rest of my life wondering, questioning, while you're going to be here in our house, with our kids, and _him_. And for the life of me, I can't stop thinking about that!"

"Derek, you are fucking crazy. I have done nothing with Will. Absolutely nothing. You are just a hypocritical asshole. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Are you honestly going to tell me that you haven't thought about it?" Derek spat out, his voice low. "You haven't thought about dating that man, about being with him? Haven't you gone on dates and slept with other men, like you were never married to me in the first place?"

"Why the hell does it matter, Derek? You're engaged! At least you have the luxury of wondering! I never got that! I don't get to ask if you've dated or slept with anyone else. I know. And you know what's worse? I have to know that you've moved on. I get to know that you practically live with Elizabeth and you're getting married to her and you know more about her kid's daily lives than you do about your own. I know you've found someone to replace me, that makes you happier than I did. Someone better."

Meredith took a deep breath, refusing to look at Derek because he knew if she did, she would lose her courage to keep talking and she didn't want that. "I have to know that everyday so don't stand here all angry because you want to know whether I've gone on any meaningless dates that have amounted to nothing because I haven't. I was done when I met you and I'm still done now. No man has been in our house or slept in our bed. I haven't introduced our children to any potential stepfathers because I'm done. No one is going to be anything like what you were to me. No one is going to replace you and I have to live with that. I have to live knowing that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life while you grow old with Elizabeth. I have to know that at our children's weddings, you'll have someone else to bring and I won't. I'll live in our guest room until it becomes to unbearable to live in this house and every night, when I go to sleep, I'll know that you have your arms wrapped around another woman's body – so don't pester me with your questions. Don't think I'm going to pity you because your jealous of a man who thinks he actually has a chance when all I'm going is trying to get through the day and if Will can make me laugh at lunch, then I'm going to let him, but it doesn't mean that I'm going to marry him or that he'll even be a blimp on my emotional radar. It just means that today might be a little bit easier to survive than every other day. So if you want sympathy or answers, I think you should go elsewhere because I am well past my breaking point here and I don't want my children to have to visit their mother in a psychiatric facility. I just think that you should go – somewhere. Anywhere. As long as its not here."

With that, she walked past him and went up the stairs. For the first time in her life, she felt like she had actually said everything she needed to Derek Shepherd.

_**And all I say, doesn't matter anyway****  
I've given up, so call my bluff.****  
Cause I just need to be reminded who I am,  
I'm falling apart.**_

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So it looks like until my life calms down, I'll be updating weekly. And on Sunday. That seems to be the only day I have time! So, when it comes to word count, this chapter was like 500 words shorter than usual, but I think it's kind of emotionally overloaded, so I hope that made up for it.**

**I think this chapter explained a lot. I mean, a lot. Now you know what happened and Derek was honest about his jealously and Meredith had the blow up of the year. Kind of epic for her. I was having a hard time deciding where to have that scene occur, but I figured the only place Meredith was going to completely let loose was in the privacy of her own home where no one can hear her. I hope it was in character enough and that you all enjoyed it!**

**You'll be seeing the aftermath soon enough!**


	15. You Were Mine

**Chapter 15: You Were Mine  
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_Day Two. One more day to go._

That was Meredith's first thought when she walked into the hospital the next morning. Part of her felt bad for escaping from her house at six in the morning without even offering to bring Derek with her, but she didn't really care. She hadn't seen him on the couch when she left, but she doubted he had actually gone anywhere. His old beat up Jeep was still in the garage and he knew where the key was kept, so she was easily able to stifle any guilt she felt.

As she hurried to Michael's room, she caught a glance of Will leaving it, his head buried within her son's chart. "Will?"

The second she caught up with him, he turned around, closing the chart at his side. "Hey, Meredith," he answered, giving her a small, tired smile. "Your son is fighter."

"That doesn't sound good," she answered quickly, her eyes shooting towards the closed door.

"He threw up most of his dinner a little after you left. He couldn't really keep anything down, so we pushed IV fluids. His other symptoms have all subsided, but I want to get another MRI to see if the steroids are working. It's possible that the throwing up and nausea are just a side effect to the medicine and not a symptom. It's fairly common with this medicine, but I just want to make sure there's been some improvement in the lesions before we put him through this for another two days," Will said, finally putting the chart away and leaning against the nurse's station. After finishing his speech, he watched as a few emotions ran across Meredith's face. She opened her mouth to start saying things a few times, but eventually just gave up.

She turned to walk to her son's door, but she stopped when she put her hand on the doorknob. Turning around, she caught Will's eye. "I'm not… I mean… Have I been leading you on?"

Will took a few steps closer to her, confused by her words. "Meredith, what are you talking about?"

"People have been…. insinuating things. Things between us. And I just… I'm not really looking for anything or anyone right now… and I just didn't want you to think that I was," Meredith stammer, barely finding the strength to look into Will's eyes.

"Shoot me down before I get my hopes up?" Will joked, seeing how hard it was for Meredith to be having this conversation to begin with.

"Something like that."

"It's fine," Will answered, shaking his head. "I mean, it sucks. I'd much rather be taking you out than having this conversation, but I get it. We can still have lunch when you have cases over here."

"Thanks," Meredith smiled, "I'd like that. A lot."

"You know," Will continued, stopping Meredith again from going into Michael's room. "That Shepherd is a lucky man."

"What?"

"Your shirt," he pointed out, "Some days, like today, you can see the wedding rings."

Meredith's hand instinctively went to the wedding rings dangling around her neck, completely forgetting they were there. _They were always there._ She had never really thought about how it made her look to other people. Probably just the pathetic, lonely ex-wife.

"Just thought I should let you know, just in case you didn't want him to see," Will supplied, pulling her out of her thoughts. "Dr. Walck should be down to take Michael to MRI within the hour. I'll see you when I get the results, okay?"

"Yeah," Meredith nodded, "Thanks."

Meredith watched him leave, but eventually her focus drifted back to the rings around her neck. She figured it didn't really matter whether people knew if she still loved Derek at this point, after all, he knew after last night. But still, the small piece of pride within her forced her to take off the necklace, drop it in her pocket, and walk into her son's room with the largest smile on her face that she could fake.

* * *

"So not fair," Meredith whined, picking up the multicolored cash, trying to figure out how much she owed her son. "I should get a discounted rate. I am your mother."

Michael laughed, "It's not my fault you landed in my territory."

"Your territory?"

"I own the entire side of the board. Not to mention my hotel on Boardwalk. You suck at this game," Michael laughed, almost bouncing in his seat at the money is mother was about to give him. "I think you lost."

Meredith gave her son a fake dirty look, finally counting up all the money. "Ha! I still have $200! Looks like I'm still in the game!"

"Not for long!" Michael said in a sing-songy voice as he collected all of his money. "I don't know why you like to play this. You _always_ lose."

"I do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Hey, I thought we didn't have any more five-year-olds in this family," Derek said as he walked into the room, Jackie following him.

"Yeah! I'm the baby!" Jackie squealed, jumping on to the bed.

"Be careful, bug," Meredith said as she settled her daughter.

"You okay?" Jackie asked Michael, completely ignoring her mother.

"I'm good," Michael answered, shrugging.

"Better be," Jackie said quietly cuddling up to her big brother.

Meredith smiled as Michael wrapped his strong arm against his sister. Her eyes drifted off to Derek, making sure he was capturing this moment with her. It was nice actually seeing him this time. Usually, when Michael or Jackie did something like this, Meredith found herself wanting o share it with him, but he was never there. That was one of the things that hurt her the most about the divorce. But right now, even with all the discomfort and pain from the night before, she felt a surge of happiness flow through her when Derek walked up behind her and placed his hand on her shoulder. For the first time in a really long time, they felt like a family.

* * *

"I guess all of the excitement of two Monopoly games wore him out," Derek said, pulling the blanket up against his son's body.

"Yeah, I guess so," Meredith answered quietly, almost afraid to have a conversation with him now that they were practically alone. Michael was out, as was Jackie, and suddenly there weren't any more buffers left between them.

"Did Dr. Kenick come in while I was picking up Jackie?" Derek asked, trying to keep some form of conversation going as long as he could.

"He's healing. The treatment is working, so we're just going to have to deal with the nausea, but they put him back on the anti-nausea medicine and it seems to be working just fine," Meredith answered. She could keep things impersonal like this. She just had to focus on their children. It didn't have to be about them.

"Good. That's… good."

Meredith stood up, grabbing the extra blanket lying at the end of Michael's bed before draping it across her daughter's body lying curled up in one of the chairs. "We should get her home soon."

"Yeah, you can go if you want to," Derek said, leaning against the far wall as he watched his ex-wife with their daughter. "Oh wait," he said quietly, stepping over to her, "You dropped something."

"What?"

"This," Derek said, leaning down and grabbing the gold necklace. "Oh," he mumbled, standing up again, his eyes glued to the jewelry in his hands. "Mer… your wedding ring."

"Yeah… I… ummmm… it's not important," Meredith stumbled, grabbing the necklace out of his hands.

"No," Derek snapped, stopping her and holding her hand in his, the rings between their palms. "Meredith…"

"What Derek?" she asked quietly, trying to stop the tears of embarrassment from falling down

"What are these doing here? On a chain?"

"Derek, just let me go," she mumbled, not longer able to stop the tears, but she didn't care. In the last day, everything had been laid out for him. He knew everything her pride didn't want him to.

"Mer…"

"Just let me go," she whispered harshly.

When his grip finally loosened, she ripped her hand and the necklace away from him. She turned her body away quickly, throwing the necklace in her purse and wrapping the strap around her shoulder. She quickly wrapped her arms around her daughter, pulling her out of the chair and leaving the room without another word.

"Mommy?"

"Just sleep baby," Meredith whispered, holding her daughter's small body close to her own as she reached the elevator. "We're going home."

"Your eyes are watery," she whispered, her voice groggy.

"Mommy's fine," Meredith whispered, pulling Jackie closer. "We'll be home soon, just go back to sleep."

* * *

Meredith turned off the television as soon as she heard the garage door open and close. She didn't want to give him a reason to come in here. Her eyes moved to the clock on her nightstand, partially hidden by her wedding picture. It was nearly midnight and he had just made it home. Or not home. It was her home, but it wasn't his.

She listened as he shuffled downstairs, and she figured he was just fixing the blankets on the couch so he could go back to sleep. Minutes passed, but she eventually heard his footsteps on the stairs, slow and calculated, as if he was trying his hardest to conceal his presence.

A small part of her was surprised when he passed her room, almost disappointed if she was honest with herself. The steps moved farther down the hall and she was fairly certain he'd passed Jackie's room as well.

It didn't make sense.

Her curiosity got the best of her, pulling her out of her bed and wrapping her bathrobe around her pajamas. She moved carefully, quietly, hoping he wouldn't realize he had been detected. Before leaving her room, she waited and listened, hearing him jiggle a doorknob.

Maggie.

Meredith's breath caught in her throat. It made sense. He built this house; of course he knew where the keys were hidden. He was the only one besides her who would know how to get into that room.

She heard the squeeze of the door hinges, and she knew he'd already gone inside. She was pulled between wanting to go with him and wanting to crawl back in her bed and cry. She didn't want to see her baby's room. She hadn't been in there in years and that was completely by choice. She wasn't sure she could handle it if she had to go in there, considering the emotional rollercoaster she'd been on the past couple of days.

Silence filled the house; leaving Meredith stuck in between her bed and door. She cursed her immense indecisiveness, but another noise distracted her. She stepped closer to her door, trying to decipher what it was, what in the world Derek was doing. She didn't trust the conclusion her senses came to, so she quietly pulled her door open and stepped out into the chilled hallway.

Meredith slowly stepped across the hallway, stopping before she reached the door. She wasn't sure if she actually wanted to see inside that room, but the door was wide open in front of her. Two more steps and she would be looking at the room decorated for the baby who never had a chance.

She heard the noise again, confirming what she couldn't believe before. He was crying. Quietly, muffled, but he was crying. In her procrastination she tried to remember the last time she'd ever seen him cry, but she couldn't. She knew he cried when Maggie died. She'd heard stories about what a mess he'd been when she was in surgery, but she never saw it. They were married for years, and the closest to crying she'd ever seen him get was the few tears he'd shed on their wedding day and the days each of the kids were born.

Taking a deep breath, Meredith stepped over the threshold into her daughter's room, not even realizing she'd closed her eyes. When she finally opened them, she had to bite her lip to stop herself from letting out a cry. The room was exactly the same as it had been. She knew no one had ever changed it, but it was almost as if she had expected something to happen to destroy it all.

The moon gave her enough light to trace the outline of the animals on the sheets with her eyes. All the furniture was light wood, the walls a pale yellow with white wainscoting. They had decided to go with a green and yellow theme instead of the generic pink they'd chosen for Jackie. The sheets had animated giraffes and turtles and monkeys all over them. The white basinet was pushed to one wall, waiting for its move into the master bedroom that had never happened. It was the same bassinet they kept Michael and Jackie in right after they were born, but now it was completely locked away.

She eventually forced herself to look at Derek. He was collapsed in the padded gliding chair they'd bought just a few weeks before the accident. His figure was hunched over and Meredith could still barely hear his sobs. He was trying to hide it, that much she could tell. She just wasn't sure if he was actually aware of her presence or not yet.

Meredith carefully walked over to him, but the closer to she got, the less sure of what she should do she became. She didn't know how to comfort him. That was the problem with them. They didn't know how to take care of themselves, much less each other. As she stepped closer, she heard the sobs stop, almost like he was holding his breath.

"Meredith?"

Had the entire house not been silent, she knew she never would have heard his quiet whisper, but his eyes would have caught hers regardless the second he lifted his head out of his hands.

Meredith took a few tentative steps closer to him before carefully getting down on her knees before him. She brought her hands to his face, carefully brushing his tears away until he leaned his forehead on hers. In that moment, it didn't matter that years had passed since they'd been that close or that they had yelled at each other last night. The second Meredith felt his tears rolling down his face and on to her, all she could do was cry with him.

Without permission, he pulled her into his lap, holding her closely as his tears turned into full out sobs with her. Meredith realized then, that throughout all that time, they never cried. He cried and she cried, but they never grieved together. He wrapped his arms around her tighter, forming her body to his and none of the rest mattered anymore. They were grieving the loss of their daughter, and everything else that broke that day and remained broken until today.

_**And in the middle of the flood I felt my worth  
When you held onto me like I was your little life raft  
Please know that you were mine as well**_

_**

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**_

**So I'm not exactly sure how much I like this chapter. It seems really disconnected to me, but I think it was all necessary. Now that i've kind of put all the pieces together for you guys, Meredith and Derek have to because they can't fix anything without knowing the whole truth about what happened for the other during the collapse of their marriage. That's the only way they're ever going to be able to understand and move forward. **

**I guess this was kind of a filler to get them to the next part of this story, but I still hope you liked it!  
**


	16. Tonight

**I feel sooo sooo sooo terrible. I know, I've been gone for over a month. I am soo sorry. My life just completely flew out of control and I really haven't gotten it back yet, but it was spring break so I had a little time. I probably would have had this up earlier, but this chapter was extremely difficult to write. I've been staring at this computer screen for three days trying to get out these six pages and I'm still not sure if I'm happy with it, but this is what it is. I haven't edited it because I want to go to sleep, but I wanted you guys to have it since I feel so terrible about making you all wait this long – especially when I appreciate all of your reviews so much. I hope you all forgive me! And regardless of the breaks I might have to take before summer comes, this story won't be abandoned, so don't worry! It'll come. It might take some time every once and awhile, but this story will be finished!**

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**Chapter 16: Tonight**

Silence filled the room, neither finding the power or the necessity to make a noise, much less any movement at all. Their desperate cries turned to more of a silent acceptance of the past and what had become of it. No pain in the world could bring Maggie back to them; she would always remain the daughter they never really had.

Derek held Meredith's small body on his lap, her torso rested against his side, her head on his shoulder. It felt so wrong that they hadn't done this before. He was holding her just like he should have had so many years ago. He would always excuse it, saying that she wouldn't let him, but he didn't try hard enough. He couldn't explain it or justify it. After everything they suffered through together up until that point, they hadn't known what to do to help one another. There is no wonder cure-all for this kind of thing.

There's a word for when children lose their parents: orphans. There's a word for when husbands and wives lose their spouses: widow. There's no word for something so unnatural and cruel as losing a child. No one is supposed to experience that kind of guilty pain, especially the way he knew Meredith had. He had walked away from the pain and all the constant reminders of what could have been, leaving her to deal with it all by herself.

Meredith's soft breathing filled the air surrounding him, reminding him of so many moments before this that had been filled with an intense love instead of this grief and guilt. Despite the many times he'd justified it to everyone around him, he couldn't find a logical explanation for why he had left this. It just didn't seem right to him anymore.

"Mer…" he said quietly, his breath catching in her hair, drifting the honey waves a little.

"Hmm…."

"Mer, we should talk or get to bed, it's kind of late," he whispered into her hair. He watched as she moved her head slightly, her body automatically starting to stretch out. He'd noticed a long time ago that she always curled up into a little ball when she started falling asleep, regardless of the depth or length of her time unconscious. When she woke up, she always stretched her neck first, turning her head a few times before stretching out her legs and then her arms. She did it automatically, her eyes barely ever opening until her body was sufficiently awake. He wasn't sure if she even knew she did it, but she did it now in the quiet of the night just as she did every other day he'd seen her wake up.

"Derek?" Meredith whispered once her stretching ritual was complete, her eyes just beginning to open again after their emotional downpour.

"Yeah?"

"Our baby is gone."

The finality and pain in her voice broke his heart. It was as if she was finally letting herself think about it and accept that it wasn't going to chance. She was letting it be real for her, simultaneously forcing it to be real for him too, which was something he was afraid to be okay with. "Yeah, she is," he finally answered, feeling the water fill his eyes all over again.

"And we're divorced."

"Yes we are," Derek agreed solemnly.

He could remember the day he bought the ring he now knew she still had with her. He had known for months that he was going to marry her, but it wasn't until she finally mentioned it that he knew for sure that she felt the same. One morning when they were lying in bed in post-orgasm bliss when she asked him what he thought their children would look like. Two days later he made up his mind and forced Mark to walk around downtown Seattle all day until he found a ring perfect for Meredith. Up until that point, he'd always wondered if she would let her fear ruin their chance at lasting, but he never doubted that they would be together once they moved past their rocky start and her past. He had never once considered the possibility of divorce, much less his own walking away. Everything worked between the two of them. They still had the same struggles as anyone else would, especially at work, but they never had any kind of problems once they were married that ever could have foreshadowed their eventual outcome. There was never any reason to ever think he would stop loving Meredith Grey.

The silence made Meredith feel immensely stupid for saying anything. Of course Maggie was gone. Of course they were divorced. These weren't new pieces of information to her, but at the time it felt like she needed to say them. Now it just seemed like she was the only one baffled by their reality. This wasn't how they were supposed to be, but it was how they were.

Carefully, she pulled her body away from Derek, standing up and looking back at him. "I should probably go to bed. Jackie will probably wake up relatively early."

Derek cleared his throat, "Yeah, you're probably right." He slowly pulled himself out of the glider and followed Meredith out of the room. As they reached the hallway, Derek turned around and pulled out the key that he'd dropped in his pocket before.

"Leave it," Meredith whispered.

"What?"

"What's the point?"

Derek stopped his movements, looking between the key and Meredith. She was right. What was the point of hiding it anymore? They'd brought it to the front of their minds today and locking the door wasn't going to erase any of that. They had reached a point tonight that they weren't going to be able to retreat from now, so Derek put the key back in his pocket, turning back to follow Meredith to her bedroom.

Meredith slipped inside quickly, leaving the door open behind her. Derek stood in the doorway, practically afraid to enter what used to be their guest room. In the dim light, Meredith found her way to her bed and under the covers, all under Derek's watchful gaze.

"Derek?"

"Yeah? I'm just about to go downstairs…"

"Come here," she whispered, ignoring his attempt at finding an excuse for his continual presence in her room.

Slowly, Derek walked into the bedroom, finding his way to her side of the bed easily. Meredith was spread out on her side of the bed, carefully wrapped in the duvet covering and sheets. She gave him a half smile that he almost returned until he noticed the tear in the corner of her eye.

Derek knelt down by the side of her bed, bringing himself to her line of vision. "Mer? What's wrong?" he asked quietly, his hand finding hers and running circles over the back of her hand. "No more tears."

"I'm so sorry, Derek," she said carefully, blinking back as many tears as she possibly could.

"Why? You have no reason to be sorry. This wasn't your fault," Derek consoled, his other hand curving against her face and brushing away her tears.

"If I had let you in, we would have been okay. I know we would have, I know it, and I'm just so sorry that I failed. I'm so sorry I let us fall apart," she cried, not even caring about the ugliness of her sobs or the way she was craving his comfort.

"Mer, you have to calm down. It's okay Meredith, I promise, everything is going to be okay. You need to breathe," he consoled, trying desperately to calm her down. He kept whispering the same things to her, but her sobs only seemed to increase, making her breakdown earlier look like the tip of the iceberg; there was still so much after that, so much that was still eating away at her.

Derek sighed; he didn't know what to do. Out of all the times he's told parents that their child is dead, he's never found a single thing to do or say that makes any of the pain lessen. As a doctor, he did know one thing: the actual power of a hug. That's how he justified his movement to the other side of the bed. He pulled off his shoes and pulled the covers up before climbing into the bed and carefully wrapping his arms around Meredith from behind, holding her body close to his own even though he was nearly certain she was going to attack him for this.

"Pressure, Mer," he whispered in her ear, "Constant and deep pressure suppresses your nervous system. It decreases your pulse rate and metabolic rate. It calms you down. Calm down, Mer."

Meredith could feel him all around her, her back against his chest, his arms wrapped around her torso, their legs intertwined, his head against the back of her own. Her body immediately tensed, fighting the calming affect they biologically had to happen despite her increased emotional tension. This was different from the intimacy they'd shared moments ago in their daughter's nursery. They were in bed, wrapped together in a way only lovers should be, but it felt so natural for them that she wanted to fight it. She didn't want this to feel right, because then her reality was so much worse. Tomorrow and the next night, this bed was going to be so much more lonely now and that's all she could think about. Derek was going back to New York and she was going to be left here all alone again.

"There you go, breathe Mer," Derek whispered again, running his hand up and down her arm, her scent consuming him.

Her head moved quickly, her silent protest noticed, but not acknowledged. She wanted to prove him wrong. She didn't want him to make her feel better, for him to have that power, but she couldn't fight the science. Her heart was still breaking, but her heart rate was returning to his normal pattern as his hold on her tightened.

_It wasn't right. It wasn't right._

Her breath leveled and her tears subsided as she lost the mental will to fight her natural biological response. She flattened her body on to her back, feeling Derek's hold on her loosen, but not disappear. Staring up at the ceiling, she swallowed hard and squeezed her eyes shut, wishing that she could go back to the beginning of the week. Everything was fine then. Her kids were with their father, _safe and sound_, while she was busy occupying all of her time with paper work and lose ends form the practice. Her life had turned rather predictable for the most part and she had begun to like that. Michael and Jackie threw wrenches in her plans every once in awhile, but for the most part, her professional and private life were normal, planned, predictable.

None of this was predictable or normal. She was afraid to breathe and she was torn between wanting Derek to disappear and wanting him to keep his arms around her for the rest of the night. Despite its calmness, she felt her heart clenching, breaking, drowning, every painful motion that could remove any hope left in her heart, she felt it all happening at once. His breath was dancing across her neck, almost too close for comfort, but not close enough to really comfort her. Her mind was a complexity of paradoxes, every thought flowing around in circles and she couldn't find one to hold on to before another one snuck up on her.

"Meredith?"

His voice drifted off into the night, filling the air with vulnerability and insecurities that were too complex for her to handle. She didn't want to acknowledge his desperate tone, but she couldn't ignore it either. She felt strangely like a five-year-old, afraid of what the darkness of the night held, terrified that her nightmares were going to come true right before her eyes.

She slowly turned her head in his direction, but it felt fast-forwarded and suddenly, her face was mere inches from his and she immediately felt her heart rate escalate from his mere proximity. His arm, still draped across her torso, found it's way to her arm, his fingers drifting across the skin, sending electrical shocks through her body. His hot breath spread across her face as he exhaled, and she could feel her skin blush in response. She felt like her body was moving, reacting, without her, she was just an innocent bystander.

_See there are moments for me, usually in the OR, when I just know what's going to happen next…_

And then his arm shifted, tracing up her arm and across her neck until it finally found its place against the warm, tear-stained, skin of her cheek. Her eyes searched for some solace, but his gently nudge brought her attention back to his own deep pools. He watched her carefully, but his face was void of any emotion she could read. Too many things were passing between them, _too quickly_ for interpretation.

And then it happened – he kissed her.

Gently, slowly, deeply, and none of the years or the heartbreak seemed hurt so much. It all came together, fueling him as he pumped her lips, his body turning to be closer to hers, their limps intertwining in a desperate frenzy that was fast-forwarded, but slowed down, all at the same time. Her mind was spinning, she was drowning in his scent and taste, it was all so familiar yet new. He still wore the same cologne, but as she ran her fingers through his hair, she could tell it had thinned out over the years.

Their bodies bent and melt to one, any distance between them disappearing as they struggled to put themselves back together with some physical connection as their glue. Their dance was easily remembered, their bodies moving without conscious guidance as their tongues played their own game. She was so completely lost in him, barely registering the distant screaming of her conscience.

_So wrong. So completely wrong._

They both knew it, but denied it all the same. Nothing mattered in their private world. His arms were just as strong as before, his calloused hands still felt the same as they began their reckless venture beneath the confines of her clothing. He crossed every barrier, broken down every wall. He did everything she so desperately wanted him to all those years ago, but never had the strength to ask for. The proximity of their bodies, the intensity of their desires were nothing compared to the passion the filled their final bond, forcing the breath out of their bodies as they both gave everything they had to give. They fell farther into each other than they had ever had before.

_And in that moment, everything they think they know… shifts. _

_**Turn around and you're walkin toward me  
I'm breakin down and you're breathin slowly  
Say the word and I will be your man, your man, say when  
And my own two hands will comfort you tonight, tonight  
Say when**_


	17. One Man Wrecking Machine

**Yes, I'm a terrible updater. I'm so sorry. Work & vacations keep getting in the way! At least this chapter is a little longer than usual! More coming!

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**Chapter 17: One Man Wrecking Machine**

As his eyes opened and everything – his location, his position, his actions – started to register in his brain, he had to stop himself from freaking out in a completely uncharacteristic way. This was not a situation he ever wanted to find himself in or drag Meredith or Elizabeth into, but now he had. His arm was thrown across her naked body and he couldn't force himself to end the skin-on-skin contact or untangle their legs because it just felt too perfect, even though it simultaneously hurt like hell.

So many years had passed since he had felt as alive as he had last night, reminding him even more that Meredith held a piece of him that she couldn't give back. They remembered each other's bodies perfectly – every curve, crevice, and sensitive spot that sent each of them into a world of pure ecstasy. No questions were asked and no words were spoken. Instead they rediscovered their secret body language that had carried their relationship through every difficult or hard time prior to this. When all else had failed, their bodies still knew how to interact as if they had been constructed like puzzle pieces – every single line or curvature of their bodies fitting each other unlike anything else they'd ever had before or after. Even with Elizabeth on his mind, he couldn't deny it and that made him sick. He'd become his worst nightmare and he knew that the second Meredith woke up and realized what they'd done, he would feel even worse than he did right now.

She stirred in his arms, only to turn around to him and rest her head against his chest. He felt as though his whole world had been transformed – rewound to those few mornings that he could let her sleep in and just take in the sight of her body against his. Even when they were still together, it had been a long time since he'd woke up with solely a sheet covering them as parenthood wasn't conducive to naked mornings. This was how things could have been, once Michael and Jackie stopped waking up so early or at least learned the concept of knocking and actually practiced it. Had Derek stuck around, this could have been his life and it could have lasted… forever. But now, he knows Elizabeth is in New York, freaking out about his absence and what to do with the wedding and wondering how she should deal with the girls after the accident. Elizabeth was waiting for him, expecting him to come home in a day or two, but now he had no idea what he was doing with his life.

He knew that without a doubt, this was going to destroy Meredith. He had her words from the day before dancing around in his head. _There had never been anyone else._ It almost made him smirk to think the girl who had one night stands every night was now a celibate woman. He wasn't happy that she was alone; it just reminded him of how much she had changed since they met. She had become the woman that she never thought she could be; the woman Ellis Grey never would have understood, but she never understood Meredith in the first place. She loved her children more than life itself, more than enough for the both of them.

Derek hoped that one day, no matter how far away that day was, one day, she'd understand why he left. He couldn't make excuses for Elizabeth or any part of his life in New York, but he just hoped she understood why he had to leave and how much he never wanted to in the first place. This is the house he had built to live in until he died. He wanted to spend the rest of his life here with the love of his life and everything they'd accomplished during their lives. Once he and Meredith had finally perfect the plans for their house, he could imagine it turning in to the house he grew up in. He could see thirty, forty years from now, when their children would bring their grandchildren to the house for holidays and birthdays. It was always painful to realize that one of your dreams was impossibly out of reach, but so much worse to know that you were the one to push it into oblivion.

He could feel her breathing change against his chest, her snores slowly decreasing until her breathing normalized completely. Derek took a deep breath, knowing that this was the inevitable truth time. She began stretching her body out as she always did, but then she curled herself up around his body, her head never moving and her eyes never opening. He wasn't sure how aware she was of what was going on, but he took her silence and peace as a good sign.

In her semi-conscious state she pulled his body closer to his, her head moving slightly so it was perfectly placed in the crook of his neck. His grip tightened around her body as he placed a soft kiss in her hair automatically. He hadn't really thought about it – it was just something he had always done whenever she was around him, but also something he'd never done with anyone else.

"Meredith… we need to get up, get dressed. I don't think you want Jackie walking in on us," he whispered carefully into her ear.

"Hmmm… five more minutes," she grumbled into his chest, pulling her legs up near his waist

"We both know you weren't sleeping before I said anything," Derek chuckled, not completely believing that she hadn't freaked out yet.

"You get up, I'm not," she mumbled, leaving a few small kisses on his skin.

"I can't," Derek smiled, his head spinning after every wet touch.

"Why not?"

"You're lying on top of me."

"Oh…" she whispered, as if the thought actually never crossed her mind. Derek smiled, waiting for her to move, but she didn't. Everything in the house became silent again, peaceful and painfully perfect because he knew it couldn't last.

"Derek?" she asked, her voice low.

His heart dropped. "Yeah?"

"What did we do?"

Derek swallowed hard, trying to come up with something to say that would stop her from completely freaking out, but he knew it didn't matter. This was bad on so many levels. "Meredith…"

Her body shifted away from him. She grabbed the sheet and held it close to her body as she got her bearings. Pulling the sheet away from him, she stumbled out of bed and headed for the bathroom too quickly for his jumbled mind to react. "We need to get to the hospital," was the only explanation she offered before shutting the door behind her, the clicking of the lock painfully obvious in the silence that followed her.

_Shit._

He heard the shower turn on and he knew that even if he stayed, she wouldn't come out until she knew he was gone. There wasn't any point in trying to get her to talk now or deal with it. At this point, he couldn't blame her for not trusting him. She had no reason to and he really didn't have one to give her, so he pulled himself out of the bed, found his clothes and then quietly ventured downstairs after getting dressed, hoping and praying that Jackie was still in her room asleep.

* * *

"Daddy, are you gonna live here now?" Jackie asked on the way to the hospital.

Derek looked over at Meredith, hoping to figure out what her response would be if he was absent. Did she want him to stay here? He couldn't. He has a life in New York. It shouldn't even be a question. But Meredith hadn't spoken to him since she left the bedroom and she'd barely even been around him until she was forced into the same car with him.

"Daddy?"

"Can you answer her, Derek?" Meredith said in a lazy, annoyed tone, her eyes never leaving her left side window.

"Daddy lives in New York, honey. Remember?" Derek said carefully, his eyes still drifting towards Meredith for some type of response.

"But you aren't there now."

Derek sighed, "That's because your brother is sick and he needs me here right now."

"But I want you here," Jackie whined.

"I know honey, we've talked about this."

"Not fair," Jackie said, crossing her arms.

Meredith reached back, her hand rubbing her daughter's arm comfortingly. "You know your father and I love you, baby. It's not perfect, but that's the way it is, okay?"

"Hmpf."

"She learned that from you," Derek joked, trying to get Meredith to at least look at him or something.

"Well, if she really takes after me, I'll be having a rough time once she hits her teenage years," Meredith answered, her eyes only glancing at Derek. Derek tried to take her words as a joke, but her tone was still void of any amusement at all.

"I'll help you out."

"Yeah, you'll be very helpful in New York when she sneaks out."

This time, Derek decided to let it go. He was digging is own grave at this point and he didn't want to keep going deeper. Whatever was going through Meredith's head obviously wasn't working in his favor. He knew that last night would make their next moves deciding factors in their future as a family, but he didn't know how to read her anymore. The walls she'd had when they first met were up again and he was almost certain that he would have a much more difficult time breaking them down than he did the first time around.

* * *

"Michael is doing very well. He should definitely be ready to go home tomorrow. I'll want him to come back of course and he'll be on some medicine for a little while longer, but he's doing fine. We've taken him off the anti-nausea medicine, but I'll still prescribe some while he remains on his oral meds, but I only want you to give them to him if absolutely necessary," Will explained, feeling like it was entirely unnecessary. They knew all of this, but he was trying to treat this family as any other family. Meredith had made herself clear and he needed to respect that. He just needed to find a way to just be friends with her without any other motives.

"Thank you so much, Will," Meredith answered, looking up from her spot next to Michael's bed.

"It's no problem at all. I'm just going to do a quick neurological exam. You two can stay if you want. I don't expect anything to be out of the ordinary."

Meredith nodded, but Derek stepped up. "Actually, Meredith, can I speak to you outside?"

"Why?" she asked quickly, her eyes not leaving her son as Will jotted something down in his chart.

"I just want to talk to you without little ears listening," Derek answered, trying to make it seem like he had no issue with Will at all. Regardless what his ration side said to him, something about Will still made him feel uneasy.

"Okay, then, I guess…" Meredith drifted off, standing up and kissing Michael on the head before following Derek outside their son's hospital room.

As soon as they were both in the hallway, Derek shut Michael's door and looked at his ex-wife._ It still felt weird thinking that_. Ex-wife. His ex-wife that he had just had sex with last night. "Meredith, we need to talk."

"Right now? In the hallway of the hospital that we both used to work at, with our children on the other side of the wall? No. No we don't. No discussion," Meredith rambled, barely holding his eye contact at all.

"We can't avoid this. We have to talk about it."

"Why?" Meredith asked desperately, looking straight in to his eyes for the first time that day. "Why do we need to discuss it? It doesn't matter. Tomorrow, Michael will come home and you'll be going back to New York to plan your third wedding with your new perfect finance and her perfect children. There's nothing to discuss. I was sad. You were sad. Things happened. It happens to people all the time. Let it go."

"No, I'm not going to just let it go," Derek stressed in a hushed voice."I'm not leaving until we discuss this."

"Yes you will, Derek. Leaving is your thing. Ask any of your wives. I'm sure Elizabeth will be able to attest to that in a few years too," Meredith spat before turning around and hurrying in the opposite direction.

She just kept going, going, going without a real destination in mind because she had no idea what else she could do. She couldn't discuss_ it_ with Derek. She couldn't believe that she had actually done _it_, so she sure as hell wasn't ready to face it, process it, and deal with it. He was moving at a speed twenty times faster than her. She just wanted to sit in her son's hospital room and read with him or play games. She didn't know how to do the messed up, drama-filled relationship anymore. All she knew was Mommy. That was her life now and she was okay with that. She couldn't have Derek just come in and ruin that for her. She didn't want to rewind to fifteen years ago when she was the other woman again because she knew it wasn't going to turn out the same way. Derek already chose Elizabeth. There was no chance he was going to choice Meredith this time. Now, Meredith was in Addison's place. She was going to be the woman left behind all over again.

To her left, Meredith saw the break room that she used to use to hang out with all of her friends and immediately slid inside the room. She needed some place to hide. She wanted to be alone, but the second she entered the room, she saw Izzie and Alex sitting at a table munching on some of homemade muffins. Meredith collapsed in one of the chairs that always looks so much more comforting than it actually is, hoping they would just leave her the hell alone. She really couldn't deal with anyone talking to her right now, even people that she considers her friends.

"What are you doing in here?" Alex asked after waiting for Meredith to say something.

"I needed space," she mumbled in her hunched position.

"Why? Your son has the largest and most private room in this hospital."

"And Bailey has threatened the entire hospital to not even try going near there," Izzie added, dropping another piece of her muffin into her mouth.

The door flew open dramatically, allowing Cristin to trudge inside the room. "Damn Mer, you look like shit."

"Shut up."

Cristina grabbed a muffin and then collapsed in another chair, oddly similar to the way Meredith had moments before. "Oh yay, you're bitchy today too."

"Cristina!" Izzie scolded, her eyes wide. "Her son is in the hospital!"

"Yeah, I know. But I also know that he's going home and has already switched to a lower dose on oral meds. So Meredith doesn't need to be all bitchy."

"I'm not bitchy," Meredith countered.

"Yes, yes you are."

"You know what, Cristina?" Meredith snapped as she sat up in her chair. "Just shut the fuck up. My life is already hard enough without your smartass sarcastic comments, so can you just leave me the hell alone?"

"Actually, I'm working and this is the break room, so technically, you should find somewhere else to go."

"Cristina! What the hell is wrong with you?" Izzie gasped.

"She just needs to get laid," Alex mused, leaning back in his chair as if he was completely amused by everything occurring before him.

"Okay, that's it. Thanks for the peace of mind, really," Meredith spat as she got up. "And no, I don't need to get laid. Sex doesn't do anything. It doesn't help, it just causes problems and makes everything really messy. Nothing good comes from sex!"

The three sat in silence as Meredith rushed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Alex looked between the two women left and chuckled to himself. "Dude, she so got laid."

"Alex!"

"What?" Alex asked innocently. "It's not like she's here anymore anyways. So which one was it? Will or Derek?"

"Probably Will," Izzie answered, deciding it really didn't matter that they were talking about this as long as Meredith wasn't there. "I mean, he's been after her forever. But he has really bad timing, don't ya think?"

"My money is on Shepherd," Alex offered.

Cristina yawned, leaning back in the uncomfortable chair. "Mine too. Only Derek Shepherd knows how to make her completely lose it."

* * *

Meredith was fuming. She was experiencing every anger she'd ever had against Derek all over again, going back to being pissed at him for annoying her to go out with him in the first place. Had he just respected the professional lines, none of this would have ever happened and she wouldn't be in the mess she is now. Rationally, she knew that if she actually could rewind everything, she wouldn't, but that didn't matter. Right now, she felt like ignoring every good thing that came out of her relationship and life with Derek Shepherd and instead completely hate him for everything he's ever put her through, is putting her through, and probably will put her through in the future.

Now, now not only was she rambling in her head, but she was also pacing around the hospital like the complete freak she was at heart despite all of this perfect mother and doctor crap she tries to keep going. She was not stable enough for this amount of stress. Right now, she should be focusing on the fact that her son could still think correctly and move all of his limps since this disease could have ruined her son's life had the swelling gone another day or two without being treated, but it was hard to focus on that right now, which she knew made her a terrible mother.

"Woah there, tiger. Who are you hunting?" Addison asked as she stopped Meredith in the middle of the hallway. "You need to slow down and calm down. You're going to start scaring people."

"I'm fine, Addie. Seriously, perfectly fine. Peachy even."

"Peachy?" Addison asked skeptically. "Alright, that means you are beyond a small talk. Let's go," she continued, grabbing Meredith's arm and pulling her down the hallway.

"What are you doing?"

"We're going to my office."

"Addison, my son is in the hospital," Meredith declared as if that explained everything in the world.

"Yes, but you running around the hallways isn't helping him anymore than you coming to my office. I'm sure he'll be fine. He has that ex-husband of ours," Addison continued, dragging Meredith up the steps to her office on the next floor.

"Jackass," Meredith mumbled under her breath while simultaneously telling Addison exactly what this freak out was about. _It was always about Derek Shepherd._

Addison pulled her door open and nudged Meredith in the direction of the small couch before closing the door and locking it behind her. She had a feeling Meredith was going to need her privacy on this one. She followed Meredith to the couch, watching as the woman she used to hate deposited herself on the seat in complete defeat.

"Addison, can I ask you a question?" Meredith asked quietly, her eyes focused on her fidgeting hands in her lap.

"Of course," Addison answered, weary of where this was going to go.

"When you came here, the first time. Did you think you had a chance? Did Derek do anything to make you feel like you had a chance?"

Addison sighed, relaxing into the stiff couch. She was expecting Meredith to cry, not to ask questions about her ex-husbands first marriage. This was a little much. "Meredith, I cheated on him. I kind of knew it was done, I was just desperate for my husband. But honestly, when I saw him with you? It was hard to deny that he was so far beyond my reach. I just remember walking down the hallway and seeing the two of you fighting about something. I assumed it was me and I stopped. You were so angry, but then he gave you this look and you both just melted. He stepped closer to you and kissed you and it was like everything was okay again. I know it sounds creepy that I remember this so vividly, but it was in that moment that I knew I no longer had a husband. The papers didn't even matter because I could tell that he loved you so much more than he loved me, especially after Mark."

"So he never gave you any hope that he was coming back to you?" Meredith asked, harshly rubbing the tears that were streaming down her face. She didn't know why she was crying. She'd been divorced for years. There was nothing left to cry about, but at the same time, she felt like she was about to lose him all over again.

"No, not really. We had a hand full of conversations. He yelled at me for Mark. He yelled at me for coming. He yelled at me for scaring you off. He yelled at me for insinuating that you were a gold-digging slut – sorry about that – and that's about it. It was obvious that he wasn't with you for any other reason than the fact that he wanted to be."

"Oh," Meredith whispered. She didn't know what she was supposed to do with this information. She didn't really know why she even asked.

Addison looked at her best friend, surprised at the questions she'd been asked, but even more afraid of their implications and what led her to ask them in the first place. "Meredith? What happened between the two of you?"

Meredith shook her head. "I just – Addie… I'm you. I'm the ex-wife coming in and ruining everything for the new woman. Out of everything that could happened, I never expected this. I don't know how to deal with this. I was done, damn it. He was supposed to be it! I wasn't supposed to be alone! And now I'm thinking about what's going to happen if they ever get seriously ill again and Derek isn't here to be the calm and rational one the entire time. Or when Michael starts bringing girls home and Jackie meets tequila. How am I supposed to do that without him? I didn't want to be a single mother. I wanted my kids to have everything I didn't. Not this messed up life. It's not fair!"

By this point Meredith was sobbing and Addison wasn't sure what to do other than hold on to her and rub her arm gently. At least when Derek had left her all of those years ago, she'd done something to deserve it. It wasn't fair to Meredith. Meredith hadn't done anything wrong other than suffer and try to deal with that suffering.

She knew at this point, Meredith didn't want to talk anymore. She didn't want to give any details about what exactly happened, but Addison wasn't dumb. She could figure out that Derek had done something to give her the idea that there was a chance and that was beyond cruel. No one deserved this and Addison wasn't about to let Derek Shepherd get away with leaving her a broken mess again.

_**Here in the present tense**__**  
**__**Nothing is making sense**__**  
**__**Waiting for my moment to come**__**  
**__**Everything has come undone**_


	18. The End Is Where I Begin

**So I know I've been taking forever in between updates and I'm so sorry, but I've actually had this written for a while and for some reason the website wouldn't let me upload the document so it's even later than it would have been. Once I get in the groove of school, hopefully I can get back to a schedule. Remember when I used to update every sunday? Well, that's the goal. Let's hope I get there! Thanks for sticking around throughout all of my absence!**

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* * *

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**Chapter 18: The End Is Where I Begin**

_Her foot was shaking. Strangely. Her right leg was crossed against her left, her right foot shaking, moving back and forth. She was wringing her wrists too, but the shaking was weird – out of place. Abnormal. She was freaking out and she could no longer keep it locked inside. She was going to lose it. She knew that the mediator sitting next to her probably thought she was crazy, but why did it matter? She knew she was crazy nowadays. Insanity was the only explanation for the path her life had gone down since that damn pregnancy test. She should be happy that she can shake her foot. She knew she was lucky that her spinal injury didn't cause serious damage, but when you survive and your daughter doesn't, it's hard to find the silver lining in all of your pain._

_When the door opened, she tried not to look, but it was instinctual. Human curiosity forced her head to shoot up – nothing else. He was in a suit, one she recognized. He wore it to conferences, board meetings, etc. He was treating this like business, just another contract. He barely looked at her. Instead he shook hands with the mediator and sat down across from her. Her curiosity hid away, allowing her eyes to do the same. Her fear of what he was really thinking, feeling, overpowered any desire she had to look at him again. The mediator – whatever his name was – was talking and Meredith knew she should probably be listening, but her foot was shaking again and that's all she could really focus on at this second. That and her son's dinosaur model that he was so concerned about. She wanted to know if his presentation had gone okay, but instead he was going to his aunt's house directly after school with his sister while she sat in this cold room with her soon-to-be-ex-husband. She felt like this was an out-f-body experience because there was no way that this was her life. She had to be watching in on someone else's or something because Derek Shepherd was supposed to be her husband for the rest of her life. Not only until now. This was bogus. Crap. She didn't sign up for this. _

"_Well, you two have essentially already divided the assets, albeit a little unevenly, but still," the mediator continued, shuffling through a few pages._

"_She needs the house and the land. It makes sense," Derek answered quickly. _

"_As long as you both are satisfied, all we have left is a few signatures and then this thing is final." The man signed, grabbing two thick contracts with various colored tabs sticking out. He placed one in front of Meredith and one in front of Derek, sliding pens next to the piles. _

_Meredith didn't move. She didn't know what she was supposed to do. Just sign the life she's known for years away? Who does that and is okay with it? This __couldn't __be her life. Derek Shepherd was supposed to end all the dark and twisty crap in her life, not make it worse. He was supposed to be her knight-in-shining-armor, not the Thatcher Grey protégé. Apparently girls __do__ marry their fathers – even if they try their best to be the exact opposite of their mothers. That was the cyclical nature of life and Meredith could only pray to god that Jackie could find a way to jump off the Ferris Wheel and find a man that doesn't fit the mold that the women in her lineage always end up with. Would it be bad for her to wish her daughter to be alone for the rest of her life? A part of Meredith believed that if you never feel this kind of love, you won't miss it as much. You won't have to know what you're missing out on. _

_Derek had his pen in his hand and his eyes were scanning the papers, but Meredith had yet to move. She wondered if she should tell him that she's in therapy now or that she's almost finished with her physical therapy. She's pretty much cleared for surgery, even though Bailey still watches her like a hawk for any sign of discomfort or pain. The small path of hair that they had to remove when they relieved the pressure in her skull is no longer bare, but she still has to make sure to style her hair to cover it. These were the things that her Derek from __before__ would already know. He would go out of his way figure them out even if she wasn't telling him. But she would have told him. __Before.__ Before, she told him almost everything. It was kind of disgusting the extent to which they confided in each other, but that had been them. Maybe if they hadn't been so close or so happy, then this wouldn't hurt so much. She wondered if she should tell him that this hurt almost as much as losing Maggie or that it trumped every bad thing that happened to her before that. She wondered if he was feeling the same._

_But neither spoke._

_Meredith watched him and his expressionless face. He was completely void of any emotion – stoic. She remembered learning that word in Latin in high school. It was based on an entire philosophy. In Rome, it meant accepting all occurrences as the unavoidable result of divine will or of the natural order. Maybe this was their destiny. Maybe this divorce had been written in their life lines before they ever met at Joe's. Maybe Maggie was just part of it all. _

_Maybe she should treat this entire thing the same way he is._

_Meredith bit her lip and shuffled her feet so that both were solidly on the ground. She picked up the pen and quickly scribbled her illegible signature on every identified line, then stood up, and walked out of the room._

_Derek Shepherd had asked for it. __Literally.__ The least she could do was give it to him._

_

* * *

_

Addison cleared her throat, mainly because this man no longer deserved pleasantries from her. Well, he stopped deserving them a long time ago, but she was now done with being unnecessarily polite to him. He turned around and gave her angry stance a strange look. "Waiting for someone?"

"Um, yes. Meredith, actually," Derek answered, his eyes glancing into Michael's room.

"Yeah, well, good luck with that," Addison answered. "So, you want to let me know what you've done to my best friend?"

Derek chuckled, "Your best friend?"

"Don't get smart with me. You don't know anything about Meredith's life anymore, so don't pretend you do. Now care to tell me what the hell you did to her?"

Derek grabbed the door handle, shutting it tightly as he stepped closer to Addison. "Look, what happened between Meredith and I is between Meredith and I. She's a grown woman. She can take care of herself and I highly doubt she'd appreciate knowing that you don't think she can take of herself."

"Michael and Jackie are proof that she can take care of herself and everyone around her. I know that, but if she's going to let one person tear her down, it'd be you. Just watch it, Derek."

"Addison, grow up. This isn't high school. I don't need you threatening me."

Addison sighed. She knew Derek Shepherd was a difficult man, she was just hoping he'd grown a brain since their divorce. "Look, everything you do now? Your kids, especially Michael, have a pretty decent chance of remembering when they're older. They're smart and they'll be able to put the pieces together. Do you really want your kids to know what an ass you are? Meredith is raising them while you're elsewhere. They're already going to resent you. The second you hurt their mother, you risk ever being able to salvage the relationship you've destroyed with them. I can't control what you do to Meredith, but you know she'll hunt you down the second she sees this affecting her children."

Derek didn't have the time to reply before Addison stomped off in the opposite direction. His eyes drifted towards the small window in the door to his son's room and he couldn't help but think about what Addison had said. He knew he made an effort. His kids saw him a lot considering the distance between them, but did Michael resent him? If he didn't now, would he once he was old enough to put the pieces together? Meredith had never drawn the parallels for him directly, but he was starting to see every single one. He was putting his children through a version of Meredith's childhood. An absent father. A parent choosing their career over spending time with them. Fighting parents. Heartbreak. Loneliness. False hope.

Derek sighed. He watched as the doctors finished checking his son over before he reentered the room. Michael was lying in his bed in his dinosaur pajamas with a blanket over the hospital sheets that his mother had quilted him as soon as Meredith and Derek had told her that they were pregnant. His monkey was at his side – his replacement for his father. Jackie was sitting in the corner of the room coloring and talking about her picture to her older brother. Derek then realized how mature his son was for his age. Most boys hate their sister's when their young. Michael was already past that – he had to be the Dad.

Derek sighed, as much as he loved Meredith and regretted what he'd done; his worst mistake had to be what he was still doing to his children. He never doubted his love for them, but he had to remember that he wasn't giving them much to believe in. He had to choose to either be completely separate, or completely involved in their lives. Instability was only going to hurt them; he didn't need his sister to tell him that.

His eyes roamed around the room again. He knew Meredith would come to see her children before long. She wouldn't count on him to be there, just in case he failed her again. Meredith was an expert when it came to defense mechanisms, mainly thanks to him. Thinking about how he got to this place in his life was beyond confusing – it was like he had lived ten different lives, as completely separate people. He couldn't find away to connect it all together.

He never had wanted to leave Meredith. He had spent years proving to her that he loved her and that they were forever. He'd never lied then. Even when he left, he loved Meredith to death, but he didn't know what else to do. His mother had been telling him for months that he had a responsibility to his kids. First the idea had been to send the kids east for the summer so he could help Meredith, but the mere mention of that threw her into hysterics. She didn't want anyone else taking care of her children, but he also knew that she didn't want to feel like she had failed another one of her children. Then he thought about taking her on a small vacation, but with her injury, that was nearly impossible. Eventually everyone was telling him that he needed to take Michael and Jackie and force Meredith to pull herself together, but he couldn't take the kids away from her.

Once Meredith was healthy enough to live again, but still had no desire to, Derek didn't know what he could do. If he was at work, she managed, so he knew that she could physically survive without him. The kids had a routine set with him, but when he wasn't there, Meredith sometimes filled in. Whenever he was around, though, she stayed in the background. The only time she lived was when he was gone. When he had finally forced himself to realize that, there seemed no other option than for him to take himself out of the equation. The plan had been to stay in Seattle and hopefully to worm himself back into Meredith's life, but it never happened. She signed those divorce papers with a conviction that he couldn't summon and then suddenly, he began to realize that maybe she didn't want to be with him anymore. As soon as he was gone, her life came back together just as he always known it would. As much as he wanted her to be okay, he always wanted to be her knight-in-shining-armor. The fact that she not only could survive without him, but was better off without him was just too much for him to sit and watch.

Michael and Jackie were happier despite the divorce and all the confusion it created for them, Meredith became over-involved in their lives, and her career picked up right where she left it off. Meredith Shepherd slowly became Meredith Grey at the hospital again, and every mention of her maiden name was like another knife to his heart. He couldn't stay there. That's why he left, not because he didn't love Meredith, but because he loved her too much to watch her thrive without his presence. He knew it was selfish and dumb, but he deluded himself with career goals instead, convincing everyone that he needed to move back to New York. It was his own survival technique, regardless of how self-destructive it actually turned out to be.

He knew Meredith was going to come back to see her children, and he also knew that he shouldn't be here thinking about their downfall when she did. In fact, he shouldn't be here at all. These were his children, but she raised them. She earned her spot in their lives, and he stopped deserving his a long time ago. He should leave. He knew that all arrows pointed to that, but he didn't want last night to be just one more thing he had done to Meredith Grey. But with all the mistakes he had already made, what choice did he have?

_**Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes,**__**  
**__**Sometimes we've no choice but to walk away**_


	19. Lucky

**So once again I really have no excuses for my absence, but I sincerely thank anyone who is still reading! All I have to say is, please do not hate me. :)**

**Chapter 19: Lucky**

This was crazy. Nothing she could come up with could change that fact. Nothing Addison said could either. This was dumb. Ridiculous. Pointless. Self-destructive. It didn't matter that Addison thinks this is part of growing up and moving on. There was no growing up. There was no need for growing up. She hated to admit it, but she was old. If she was going to grow up any more, it should have happened before she reached her mid-forties. Even when she was young and this sort of things would have been normal, she wasn't this girl. She didn't obsess about clothes or spend the day getting her hair done. She couldn't really remember the last time she had gotten highlights or had the time to go shopping for herself. She would kill Addison for making her do this.

A sane Meredith that was operating without the influence of her best friend would not have gone up to a man that she had openly rejected only three weeks ago and ask him to dinner. Meredith Grey would never do that. She didn't date. The only man she had ever actually dated was Derek and that didn't even start out like this. It would almost be more normal if she just slept with Will first, but she was the new and improved sophisticated Meredith Grey (previously Shepherd) that does not sleep with inappropriate men. She did not even want to think about how long it had been since she had had sex. That line of thought was just plain depressing.

"Mommy! You look pretty!"

Meredith turned around to see Jackie dropping herself on the floor of her walk-in closet, a big smile on her face. "Are you coming to the party too?

"What party?" Meredith asked, her eyes refocusing on her own body in the mirror.

"Aunt Addie says we're gonna have a party tonight."

"Oh, no, bug. That party is for you and your aunt. It's your special time. Just like Michael and your uncle will have their special time. Mommy is going to meet a friend for dinner," Meredith said carefully. She really did not want to explain dating to her seven year old daughter. She had enough time explaining why there was going to be a strange woman in her Daddy's house; she didn't need to ruin any security that Jackie had at home.

"Oh," Jackie shrugged, not at all upset by her mother's plans. "Guess what, Mommy!"

"What?"

"Mikey got a letter from Daddy on the computer today!"

Meredith turned to her daughter, "Really? From your father?"

"Yep! He said he's gonna see us soon!"

Meredith looked at her daughter pointedly before slowly placing the necklace she'd been looking at back on her dresser. She walked around Jackie and back into her bedroom, heading for Michael's room with her daughter on her heels.

When she opened the doors, she found her son lying in bed with a book. _He's so much like his father. _"Hey, bud. I heard you heard from your father today."

Michael looked up, slipping his bookmark between the pages of his book. "Yeah, he said he might see us before Christmas."

"Did he tell you when?"

"No, just said he might get to see us soon."

Meredith nodded, trying to organize all of her thoughts. "Oh, okay. Well, I guess he's probably just going to come here for a consult or something soon. Okay. That would make sense. He's done that before."

"Mom? Are you okay?"

Meredith looked up, forgetting that her kids were around to witness her rambling. "Yep. Perfectly fine. Why?"

"Dad was wondering. He always asks about you, but he did more this time," Michael shrugged, not really having much of an explanation.

"Oh. That's strange. Well, just let him know that I'm fine," Meredith asserted. Because she was. She was perfectly fine. Even if Derek was apparently coming to Seattle after leaving the night after they had sex without a word. It didn't matter that he was probably consulting at a hospital they used to work at with a massive gossip system, or that he'd probably be working with a man she was about to go on a date with. Her first first date in nearly sixteen years. She wasn't going to let any of this worry her right now because she was determined to not make a complete fool out of herself. She had many meals with Will before. Sometimes, more than one lunch a week. There was no reason for this to be different. She just needed to calm herself down.

* * *

She was going over this in her mind, over and over again, trying to find the problem with it all. There had to be a problem. Well, she was also trying to follow the conversation and chime in at the appropriate time, but she needed to find the problem with this night. They went to a nice restaurant, a really nice restaurant. Italian. Her favorite. And he was wonderful. Considerate. Polite. Gentleman. But at the same time, he was funny, sarcastic, and kept her interested in the conversation.

She had expected their conversation to be all surgery. They had talked about surgery, just like any pair of surgeons would, but she had never taken the time to realize how many other things they had always managed to talk about. They had the some of the same interests in books and movies, and even more in music. And he kept giving her this amazing smile she'd never seen on his face before, or at least not one she'd taken the time to notice.

She wasn't dumb. He was attractive. She always knew that, but she'd never considered how tanned and toned he was, which never made complete since to her since they lived in Seattle. But then she learned he grew up in California and loved to surf, anywhere, anytime. And despite that California sun, his childhood had been less than perfect too, even though he had a few siblings to share the misery with.

They finished their dinner before she even realized how much time had passed, but she didn't want to go home yet. She knew from the beginning that she could always make an excuse with the kids and bail if she needed to, but even though she told Addison she would try to not be too late, she didn't want to leave. She was actually enjoying herself without being covered in mommy and she had forgotten what that was like. Grownup talk and grownup food were two rare commodities outside of the hospital and her relationship with Addison and it was refreshing.

She wasn't sure if it was because she was with Will or just because she was out with someone, but the later it got and the longer they stretched their desserts, she became more and more confident that it was because she was with Will. This date was becoming too perfect and she was starting to believe that Addison had instructed him on exactly what to do and say, but that was irrational. She knew that, but she wasn't about to consider the possibility of this man being this amazing all by himself. She always knew he was an amazing guy, but amazing for someone else, not for her.

She had to find out what was wrong. There had to be something that made this seem less perfect then it actually was. It was scaring her that they made it the entire trip back to the ferry without an uncomfortable lull in the conversation. She knew this was different from most first dates because they already knew each other so well, but she was expecting some type of discomfort, but nothing. Nada.

"I wish you'd let me pick you up, then you wouldn't have to drive home from the ferry dock," Will said as he parked in front of the ferry.

"There was no reason for you to have to ride the ferry all the way to my house and back. Besides, the drive from the ferry isn't too bad. I do it all the time," Meredith answered, smiling as they talked across the console of Will's SUV.

With a few more words, they both exited the car and Will walked her over to the ferry, his hand slightly against her back in a way that reminded her of Derek, but it was different.

"So Michael is doing well still?"

"Yeah, already back to crushing his sister's dreams of unicorns," Meredith joked, relishing in the fresh air of the night.

"Good," Will answered, stopping as Meredith did at one of the railings overlooking the water. "You know, I was really surprised that you finally took me up on my offer. I kind of gave up hope."

Meredith smiled, looking down at the water. "Yeah, I'm rather surprised too. I didn't think I'd really ever be ready for this."

"But you are? Ready?" Will asked, hoping that his anticipation wasn't as obvious as it felt.

He watched her carefully, her head turned away from his toward the water until she finally summoned enough bravery to look at him. She knew that the second she did, things were going to change. _Fast_.

"Yes. I finally think I am," she whispered, suddenly immensely aware of their close proximity. She knew what was coming as she felt her heart rate rise and the butterflies in her stomach woke up from years of hibernation. She knew it was coming, but Will gave her time to bail. They both expected her to. But she didn't. She paused and gave him control, so he took it. He leaned carefully towards her face, slow enough that she could still escape, but his lips eventually landed on hers. They were coarse, but warm. The kiss was gentle, and Meredith knew he was trying hard to not test his boundaries too much, but she was being kissed for the first time in a long time without massive complications. And she liked it. So she took it to the next level, using her tongue to gently open his mouth. Will's hand cupped the side of her face as her hand rested on his chest. It didn't matter that she'd kissed men like this before because this felt new and exciting and freeing.

She wanted to hold on to that feeling forever, but she knew that he'd eventually pull away and he did. They were both breathless and suddenly she felt like a teenager in ways she hadn't when she actually had been a teenager. Will kissed her cheek softly, reminding her that he was still there, still wanting to be with her.

"So, how does that rate on the scale of first kisses?" he whispered carefully into her hear, a bit of chuckle in his voice.

"Considering every first kiss I've ever had was seriously influenced by alcohol, making precision a problem, I'd say pretty high," she laughed, her eyes sparkling as she looked at his eyes closely.

"I'm glad I had such tough standards to meet."

"Maybe I'm changing my standards, demanding more," Meredith suggested.

"Or maybe you're just finally getting what you deserve," Will proposed, grabbing another quick kiss from her lips.

"If I don't go, I'll miss the ferry."

"Would that be so bad?"

Meredith blushed despite herself. "It will be for Addison and her husband when my children lose their minds."

"They aren't used to being without their mother are they?"

"Not unless they're with their father," Meredith answered, her voice fading slightly at the mention of Derek. Derek. The man who used to make her swoon when she thought swooning was reserved for stories like _Gone with the Wind_, not damaged surgical interns. The father of her children. The man she married.

But then she looked up at Will and she couldn't be sorry that she'd just shared the most amazing kiss with him. She couldn't regret it and she didn't want to. Because the last time Derek kissed her like that and made her feel that safe, she'd been pregnant with Maggie.

She knew he could see the doubt in her eyes, so she leaned far enough up to kiss him once more, before finally pulling away. "I seriously have to go."

"I know. I'll call you, okay?"

"You better," Meredith smiled as she turned away.

The scariest thing about this night wasn't that she'd gone out on a date. It wasn't that it had been with Will. It wasn't even that she'd kissed him. It was that she liked it. She liked it all and she wanted it to happen again.

Suddenly, her life had some type of future outside of her children and has exciting as that prospect was, it was terrifying as anything.

_**They don't know how long it takes**__**  
**__**Waiting for a love like this**__**  
**__**Every time we say goodbye**__**  
**__**I wish we had one more kiss**_


	20. Author's Note

**Okay, I've talked numerous times about rude comments. In my years of writing fanfiction, I've never been a victim of them until this story and it needs to stop or I'm going to stop writing.**

**Mclemonlover: You are not a writer I see by your empty profile, so I strongly advise that you do not comments on things that you do not even have the time to do yourself. If you think my stories are just full of teenage angst and drama, then don't read them. And honestly, I have full right to write teenage things since I am a teenager. As for leaving the writing to adult fanfiction writers? That's ridiculous. There are plenty of people on this site that are adults that cannot write as well as I can. I know I am not an excellent writer, but since you don't write anything, you have no room to talk. As for me not finishing my stories, all I have to say is don't read them. I don't want you or anyone who is as rude as you to read or comment on my stories. **

**I know it's bad that I do not have time to write, but I'm not going to apologize for choosing my schooling, my college applications, my friends, my family, or anything over a virtual site about characters that I didn't even create. I have other writing that takes precedence to this because it's actually all of my own creation and I am not going to apologize for that. I've said multiple times before that I write for myself. I don't write to please others, that's just a byproduct. This is my stress relief so I'm not going to stress myself out making time for it. I stayed up past 1 in the morning trying to write the last chapter because I do feel bad about never updating, but I have a life and I'm not going to apologize for that. I'm sorry that I let people down, but as I've said before, my real life matters more than this virtual one and if you can't respect that, please stop reading my stories and busy yourself with other writers that have time to feed your obsession. **

**I am sincerely thankful to those of you that are nice, wonderful people who continue reading despite my absence and understand that we all have lives outside of fanfiction. I'm sorry that this even has to be dealt with, but if this doesn't stop, I will stop posting on this site. **


	21. Don't Know

**Thank you for all of the encouraging reviews, they really mean a lot to me! And I promise you, regardless of the things that I put Meredith and Derek through in my stories, I love them. I am a MerDer shipper all the way, I just like to make them incredibly flawed and make them do terrible things to each other to make a story, but I promise you that I'm fighting for them too!**

**So this is a little shorter than usual, but it's kind of dense and I wanted to get it up before the week began, so I decided to just leave it to one scene. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 20: Don't know**

Derek was an idiot. He knew this. Unlike a lot of people with as bad of a track record as him, he was not unaware of his mistakes or idiocy. They were glaring at him in the face. He wasn't about to try to explain them away either. He wasn't going to say that he'd done the right thing, but who knows what the right thing is when you have to make the choice? It's easy to recognize in retrospect when the consequences are laid out before you, but in that moment, that helpless moment when you feel like everything rides on this one decision, how do you know what to chose?

If he tallied up all the people he'd hurt in his seemingly 'selfless' action in the past five or six years, he knew he would be buying himself an express train ticket to hell. And the way he looked at it, he had no choice but to hurt even more people if he wanted to fix his life. Breaking up with Elizabeth wasn't as hard has he expected. She didn't seem all that surprised or even all that hurt by it. Despite their pending marriage, he didn't think she was all that more emotionally involved in it than he was. They both knew they were with the last person they belonged with. His soul mate was on the other side of the country, while her's was six feet under. She actually seemed slightly happy for him. Maybe at least one of them would one day be where they belonged, but honestly, Derek had no real hope for that. He wasn't about to expect what he didn't deserve.

It took him another week of silent isolation in New York to hand in his resignation. It amazed him how alone he could feel in a busy hospital or in a city with over 8 million people. He'd spent so much time convincing himself that his children were fine without him, but now he couldn't stop seeing the parallels to his childhood and Meredith's. Even if they were completely happy in Seattle, there was still a void in their life, similar to the one Derek had experienced. Suddenly his ability to live in denial was failing and he needed to do something about it. He just didn't know what or how.

There was no guide book for this and he desperately needed one.

The Chief of Surgery was not only disappointed, but seriously surprised and confused by the letter of resignation. Derek had one the most advanced departments of neurology at his command and he was walking away. He explained it was entirely personal, but he couldn't blame the doctor for not understanding why his kids were suddenly so important when they weren't years ago when Derek first signed on. The only explanation he had was that things were changing in his life right now and that included being a bigger part of his kids' lives again.

He had another month on his lease, but there was nothing for him in New York. Instead of moping around in his empty apartment, Derek found himself on the highway to Connecticut to a place he hadn't been in a long time. When he pulled up to the old Victorian home, he saw his mother's car parked in the driveway and for once, he was extremely glad she was home alone.

He parked his car behind hers and tried to summon the courage he knew he was going to need to actually get through this conversation without completely breaking down. He needed to at least tell his mother what he was doing instead of just moving across the country without a word again.

"Derek?"

He looked up from his steering wheel and found his mother standing up in the corner of the long porch in front of the swing. He sighed, knowing he'd missed her presence on the swing and got out of the car.

"Hey Mom," he called out in a fake happy voice.

"Honey, what are you doin' here? Not that I don't love to see you," she said as they met by the steps on the porch. She wrapped her arms around her son, still amazed at how grown up he was.

"Just needed to talk."

"So you drove here in the middle of the day on a Wednesday? Something's up, dear," Caroline said knowingly as she led her son inside. "How about some coffee?"

"Sounds good," Derek said, pulling out one of the stools at the island and sitting down.

Caroline moved around her well-kept kitchen quickly and started the coffee before placing a plate of cookies in front of Derek and taking the stool next to him. "Now, what did you need to talk about?"

"I'm not getting married."

Caroline let out a small sigh, but Derek couldn't tell if it was of frustration of relief. She remained silent for a few minutes; the only noise in the house was the dripping coffee. Then she finally decided what to say, "Derek, I know I didn't stop you. I probably encouraged you more than anything in that divorce, but honey, we both know Meredith was it for you."

Derek nodded. "I'm moving to Seattle."

"Derek…" Caroline said in a cautious tone, "You cannot expect that woman to just jump back into your arms. If she's the woman you married, there is no way she's that weak."

"Mom, I'm not expecting her to. I just need to be around Michael and Jackie. I don't want them growing up hoping that their kids didn't have the same father they did. They deserve more than that. I've been selfish and weak and I'm trying to fix it," Derek asserted. He needed to continue believing that he was doing exactly the right thing.

"Honey, I love you, but you can't be surprised if she never comes back to you. You realize this, don't you?" Caroline asked gently.

"Yeah… I just… I know I can't fix what has happened, but maybe one day she'll understand. Maybe she'll one day see why I did it. It was dumb, I know. Clearly not well enough thought out, but maybe she'll see that it wasn't malicious. It wasn't because I didn't love her."

"Asking for her forgiveness may be asking too much," Caroline answered, hating that she hadn't advised her son against this divorce before it ever happened. She felt so responsible. She wanted him to do something, but she never thought he would divorce her. He didn't tell anyone in the family until it had already been done and everyone was at a loss.

"If I hadn't taken that one surgery, none of this would have happened. That one damn surgery. I was supposed to be off that day anyways. Meredith wasn't supposed to be doing the laundry or taking care of the kids by herself, but she refused to sit down unless I was there, constantly making sure she was relaxing and taking care of herself. She needed me. I should have been there."

Caroline shook her hand, "You cannot sit here and blame yourself for things that happened over six years ago. You can't fix it. You did nothing wrong in taking that surgery. You know Meredith would have been pissed at you had you not. Don't blame yourself for losing Maggie or the events that happened that day. Neither you nor Meredith was responsible for that. That could have happened to anyone and for some reason God chose you two. I don't know why, but that's how life works sometimes."

"It's unfair. Just plain unfair. Meredith's had a terrible life. She deserves so much more than this and me. I'm not good enough for her, I never was," Derek said his head falling into his hands.

"This self-doubt? This pity? This is what is making you weak. This is not the Derek Shepherd I raised. If you don't think you're good enough for Meredith, make yourself good enough. Pitying yourself for the rest of your life is going to be bad for you and your children. You need to pull yourself together and live with the decisions you've made," Caroline stressed, deciding that her son was too old for her to be soft with him. That obviously hadn't worked for his thus far.

Derek just looked at him mother. He didn't know what to say anymore. He had no more explanations or excuses and now he was just a pathetic man. He'd spent his whole life trying to be his father, but he never took the time to realize how far off he was. Living in Seattle, raising his kids, loving Meredith, those were the things he was supposed to be doing. That was the man he was supposed to be. He had just been so scared that he destroyed her. She had saved him all those years ago when he'd been drowning and he couldn't do the same for her. He didn't know how to be useless. That feeling was the reason he'd become a doctor. He'd been useless when his father had died and he never wanted to feel that again, but all the medical knowledge in the world did nothing for Meredith. He still failed her.

Caroline could see the internal struggle through her son's eyes and it broke her heart. She knew that he was a good man. He'd gone a little off course for awhile, but deep down, he was good. He needed to remember that. "Alright, so tell me what the plan is," she prompted, trying to get him to talk instead of sulk.

"I have a little time left on my lease, but I'll probably go ahead and leave anyways. Check into a hotel and find an apartment with enough room for the kids. And hope that one of the hospitals is willing to take on another neurosurgeon. I probably won't get a department head for awhile, but I can deal with working under some one if that's what I need to do to be near my family. I don't know… I might even look into teaching," Derek rattled on, his thoughts coming out before he really even thought them out himself.

"Derek, please don't make too many life changing decisions when you're feeling like this. Don't change your career. You love surgery. I know you do," Caroline continued, rubbing her son's arm. "You save lives. You're a wonderful surgeon. Don't give that up because you feel less than confident right now."

"I know I can cut. That's one thing I've never doubted, but it's completely possible that there might not be open positions. The economy isn't great right now and I'm not in the position to open a private practice. I can't handle that right now. I just need to get to Seattle and then I'll figure out what I'm going to do." Derek nodded, seemingly satisfied that he now had some type of a plan, despite its vagueness.

"Does Meredith know you're coming?"

"I uh, I told Michael that I would see him soon, but other than that I haven't said anything."

Caroline eyed her son carefully, "Do you really think it would be a good idea to bombard her? As far as she knows, you have absolutely no reason to be in Seattle. You need to talk to her."

"I know, I will."

"More importantly, Derek," Caroline said, catching her son's gaze with her own, "You need to learn to like yourself again. You aren't a terrible man, but you have to own up to and learn to live with the mistakes you've made. No one, not even Meredith, is expecting you to be perfect. You don't have to save the day all the time. Stop expecting so much of yourself. Just take care of the things you can handle, understand?"

"Yeah, Mom," Derek said, giving his mother a weak smile before reaching to give her a tight hug.

He knew she was right. He needed to learn to accept what he'd done and who he is. He made that decision all those years ago and he can't take it back. But that still left him with too many problems. He had no idea how to fix what he'd done. He wasn't even sure if there was a way anymore.

_**Man there's so many times  
I don't know what I'm doin'  
Like I don't know now**_


	22. World Keeps Spinning

**So, is there even a need for me to say that I've been gone forever? I think not. Lo siento. (Sorry). I could offer some amazing explanation, but I don't think you guys care as long as I'm writing again! **** (Which, I am by the way. Clearly.)**

**So half of this chapter was written a couple of months ago. And I just got kind of stuck. I pretty much think that this is really disjointed, but I think I just needed to get over this hurtle so that I can move on to the next part of the story. That's why this is much shorter than most chapters. Expect more soon!**

**Also, I apparently suck at responding to private messages. That will change! I promise! (You can even test me!) I responded to a couple about Crawling Towards the Sun. As to those that sent me messages about the crappy reviews I had been getting: Thank you soooo much! I really appreciate your support (even though my nonresponsiveness clearly didn't communicate that so well!)**

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* * *

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**Chapter 21: World Keeps Spinning**

Addison was a rockstar. That's how her surgery high always made her feel, but this wasn't just a normal surgery high. This was an I-just-saved-a-two-day-year-old-premie-from-a-painful-death surgery high that only comes after a dramatic, nearly devastating, surgery and she felt ecstatic. Telling the parents was amazing, but watching them with their newborn was even better. And now she wanted to just enjoy her excessive happiness with her husband at home. Chocolate, movies, and bed all sounded like a wonderful combination and she could not wait. She just needed to pass off her post-op notes to her intern and she'd be completely free.

On her way to the nurse's station that had the chart, she passed a conference room with the blinds nearly shut, but she could see Meredith inside. She was in her scrubs, so Addison knew she must have had a surgery at the hospital today, but her exhausted face is what really caught Addison's attention. Curiosity leading her, Addison opened the door and stepped in, allowing the door to shut behind her.

"Hey, what's up with you?"

"Post-op notes," Meredith replied flatly.

"Okay, so I know they suck, but they don't usually bring you this far down," Addison continued as she took the seat across from Meredith, noticing that the pen wasn't even in Meredith's hand and the paper was sparsely filled out.

Meredith picked her head up, giving her arm a break from supporting it and looked at Addison. She knew she might as well have skipped the bull crap and just told her the truth. "Derek is coming into town."

"Okay…"

"A while ago he left Michael some e-mail that said something about it, but today when I left surgery today I had a voicemail that said he was moving back. Just like that. No explanation. He just said that he wanted to give me a heads up that he was coming back and that it was probably going to be permanent. What the hell is that?"

Addison's eyes widened. She honestly had absolutely no concrete answer for her. The more the years that passed, she understood Derek less and less. "Wait. Does this mean Elizabeth is out of the picture?"

"I have no fucking clue."

"Crap."

"Yeah, crap."

"Have you told Will?"

Meredith shook her head. "We've been on two and a half dates. I'm not complaining about my ex-husband to him."

"Okay, number one, you totally can. It's not like he doesn't know Derek exists. Number two, two and a half? What's a half date?"

Meredith smiled, welcoming the change in subject. "Eating lunch at the park with your kids doesn't really count as a date. He says it does. I disagree."

"Cute."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Look! You are completely blushing! Will must be amazing if the mention of him can do this to you in the midst of the hurricane that is Derek Shepherd. Impressive." Addison was mainly kidding, but the look on Meredith's face revealed the truth behind what Addison was saying. Even though she was tired and stressed, Meredith had some level of happiness in her eyes that was used to be absent.

Meredith's phone chirped and she practically jumped to reach it, causing Addison to smile even more. "A text from Will I assume?"

Meredith grabbed her phone to read the message, smiling as well. "Yeah, he actually wants to go out tonight."

"Want me to watch the kids?"

"I can't keep doing this to you, Addie. We just need to get a real babysitter. Will knows we need to plan things ahead of time anyways."

Addison shrugged, "Well, Rob loves the kids and we promised Jackie that we'd make a big bed of blankets in the living room and have a sleepover the next time we watched them, so we can do that tonight."

"Are you sure?" Meredith asked. The hope in her voice alone prevented Addison from even thinking about retracting her offer.

"Definitely. I'll pick up something quick for dinner on the way home and take a shower. You can just drop them off, okay?"

"Addison, you and Rob should seriously have kids."

Addison stood up to leave the conference room, "Nah. We're too busy messing with yours. We still get to give them back when they hit their teenage years."

"Oh, how nice of you," Meredith answered sarcastically.

"Ha ha, no problem. Now I'm gonna head home. I'll see you in a bit with the munchkins?"

"Yeah, thanks a lot. Seriously."

"No problem," Addison said as she left the conference room, not all that upset that her evening plans had completely changed. Besides, Meredith needed a little bit more happiness in her life.

* * *

As Meredith shut the door behind her, she knew that her house was empty. She also knew that the old Meredith would have brought Will inside with her. They've now had 3 and a half dates, she's known him forever, and her house is empty. The old Meredith definitely would be having sex right now. Actually, the old Meredith probably would have had lots of sex by now. Even knowing this, she had Will drop her off. There may have been a very teenage-like make out session in his car before she got out, but still, she returned home by herself.

If that's not maturity, she doesn't know what is.

It was nearing midnight, but after a night like tonight, she was wired. She wasn't sure if it was the coffee she had right before leaving or the wine they shared at dinner, but she was wide awake and full of a new feeling. She had no idea how to describe it. It was like she had stopped just surviving in the world and finally felt like she was living again. Maybe the feeling was hope, hope that she may actually make something of her personal life again. It was inspiring her to be proactive, make sure she does everything right so she doesn't mess up what might be her last chance.

Somewhat unconsciously, she found herself at the top of her stairs with some old folded up cardboard boxes in her hands. She was beyond terrified, but she knew this needed to happen. She needed to start completely closing this door to her life. She needed to actively and whole-heartedly move on with her life.

And this is where she needed to begin: Maggie's room.

It was strange to remember that the door that had been locked for such a long time was now unlocked. She had completely forgotten that she and Derek had left it that way. When she turned the light on, it was so hard to not turn around and shut the door, but she couldn't. She needed to stay here and finish this. Even if it nearly killed her.

The first thing she did was open all the boxes and tape the bottoms closed. That set her up with four large boxes to fill. Opening the closet door, she realized she might need more.

As she pulled everything out, she began to organize it all into things to give away and things she needed to keep because they had been sentimental for Jackie or Michael. It took a much shorter time than she ever expected it would, but she soon realized that the reason she was moving so fast was that she didn't want to think about any of it. She barely glanced at the items as they dropped into the appropriate boxes. This room was one thing she had unhealthily held on to from her past life as it represented much more than just Maggie's life, but the life she had expected to have with the family she thought she would always have. Namely, Derek.

By the time she had the room nearly completely packed, she had already retrieved more boxes and the clock neared 3am. She left the furniture all standing and arranged, but everything was stripped, pictures were off the walls, and every piece of decoration was enclosed in a box. The closet was now a bunch of empty shelves and bare hangers. All the boxes were organized, labeled, taped shut, and stacked in the hallway.

But as Meredith looked at them, she still didn't feel the complete catharsis that she expected. And then she realized that she hadn't just locked herself out of one room in her house, but two. And thus began the journey into her master bedroom.

* * *

By eight o'clock, she called Addison and asked her to keep the kids until the afternoon so she could get some sleep. Without changing, she collapsed on her bed and let the gravity of the past day sink in.

First, Derek is moving back. No warning. No explanation. He just is.

Second, Will is quickly becoming a very large and very permanent fixture in her life.

Thirdly, every material memory of her daughter is either going to be donated or put in the attic.

Fourthly, all of Derek's left behind possessions are no longer holding vigil in their deserted master bedroom.

In some part of her, she knew that she was embarking on a new chapter in her life. A fresh, clean slate with no more skeletons in her closet. One in which she could actually enjoy every room in her house and maybe even fall in love again. Despite her attempt at blatant optimism, she couldn't ignore the foreboding reality that her past was about to demand more attention than it had in years and she had no idea how to prepare herself for it. Cleaning out every crevice of her house could only do so much. And now that she had, all she could see was all the memories freshened by the clothes, pictures, toys, and knickknacks that she had just boxed up. Things she hadn't thought of in years. She hadn't allowed herself to, but tonight, she let it all absorb her so that maybe, just maybe, she could one day finishing grieving.

And so, she cried.

_**Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you  
**__**Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace  
**__**The world keeps on spinning  
**__**You can't stop it, if you try to  
**__**This time it's danger staring you in the face**_


	23. Loss

**Well, this still isn't as long as I'd prefer but I didn't want to keep you guys waiting any longer than absolutely necessary! This chapter really got a life of its own and turned out completely different than I expected it to. Let's hope that's a good thing! This isn't so much of a progression of the story as a progression in the understanding of Derek's character and the things that he has been through! There should be much more plot development in the next chapter. Thank you so much for keeping up with this despite all of my delays!**

**Also, I apologize for any errors. If I was to wait to edit, you guys would have to wait sooo much longer!**

* * *

**Chapter 22: Loss**

_Derek had been sitting in his car in this parking space for precisely 15 minutes and 37 seconds. Meredith walked into the building 7 minutes and 57 seconds ago, but he couldn't make himself get out of the car. His mind was in overdrive and he felt like if he moved at all, it would go completely off course. Everything was wrong. This wasn't supposed to be happening. _

_To anyone looking in, Derek realized that he was the one that was supposed to be happy with this. He wasn't supposed to be suffering. He had asked for this. He had, but he hadn't wanted it. It was just suppose to make her realize what was going on. He just wanted to stop enabling her to put herself through so much. He wanted her to get up and do something with her day so she would stop hating herself so much. He just wanted her to live. With or without him. _

_He could pretend that he had planned this whole thing out, but he hadn't. It was such a quick decision. The arbitrary plan was to eventually talk to Meredith and work it out. He wasn't planning on feeling like she actually was better off without him. He hadn't expected that to be the truth, but once he realized it, he couldn't ruin her new life. He didn't want to bring back all the memories of what could have been by forcing his way back into her life when she had just began to put herself back together. _

_He felt like he was watching his life on a movie screen. He wasn't actively participating in it. The plot advanced without his conscious decisions. One day he was packing up his stuff. The next he was renting an apartment. Then dividing their property. Then holding Michael and Jackie while they cried because they couldn't understand why Daddy wasn't coming home at night anymore. Then he was looking for jobs in other cities. And now he's here. _

_He was officially 5 minutes and 22 seconds late for his appointment with the mediator. He didn't understand why the man called himself that. Mediators were supposed to work out problems. Fix things. All this man was doing was allowing them to avoid fixing their problems. Legally letting them walk away from each other and their lives. He was giving them an out. And apparently they were taking it._

_Derek forced himself out of his car and he slowly made it to the second story office so that he was 7minutes and 43 seconds late when he walked in, seeing Mr. Herman seated at the head of the conference room and Meredith on his right side. That meant he had to take the left. You don't sit next to the woman you're about to unseal yourself from. _

_At first, no one said anything. Derek hadn't apologized for being late and Herman hadn't acknowledged his presence. Derek kept looking at Meredith, but he couldn't get her to really lock eyes with him. He wanted to look at her. Really look at her so he could see if this was what she really wanted. He needed to know. He couldn't go through with this any other way. _

_Eventually, the man sighed and picked up his papers to align them together. "Well, you two have essentially already divided the assets, albeit a little unevenly, but still…"_

_Derek cleared his throat and responded before Meredith could speak, "Se needs the house and the land. It makes sense."_

"_As long as you both are satisfied, all we have left is a few signatures and then this thing is final." The man signed, grabbing two thick contracts with various colored tabs sticking out. He placed one in front of Meredith and one in front of Derek, sliding pens next to the piles. _

_Derek picked up the pen, only because he needed to occupy his hand with something or he was going to lose it. He didn't know what to do. Reading the words 'divorce decree' was not something he had ever expected to do in his life, but here he was, again, but this time, the love of his life was sitting on the opposite side of the table._

_His heart hurt. If he wasn't a doctor, he was claim that he was about to go into cardiac arrest from the pure pain and anxiety he was feeling. There was no way he could let this happen. One of them would stop it. They had to. _

_Every night, he still imagined she was sleeping next to him. He would think about all the times she woke him up in the middle of the night just because she felt the need to kiss him, touch him, be with him. It never mattered how long of a day they had at work or with the kids. She was always playful. That was the biggest change he'd seen in her throughout the years. As she became happier, she became so much more playful with him and the kids. Now, though, she was literally shaking. He'd destroyed everything. This is what he had reduced his wife to. Who does that? How did he do that?_

_It seemed inconceivable that he had become such a bad guy. With Addison it was easy to play the victim and pretend that he had been the most amazing husband in the world. He hadn't had to admit any guilt in that relationship for a really long time. He was able to blame it all on her, hate her, hate Mark. But now, all he could do was hate himself. Meredith played no part in this. This was him. She was a victim of him. There was no way to fix this. _

_He was pulled out of his reverie by Meredith violently pushing her chair back and grabbing her purse. She slid the papers toward Herman and walked out of the room, never looking back at either of them. Derek felt the air leave his lungs and for a moment, he was actually concerned that he wouldn't ever be able to refill them. His wife had just left him. Because he had asked her to._

_And he was too much of a coward to admit that he had been wrong._

_

* * *

_

There was a time in his life that Derek believed he was building the last home he would ever live in. Since then, he had lived in three different apartments and now he was moving into his newest condo. He hated that word. He hated the whole concept of living that close to other people, but he wanted to be close enough to Michael and Jackie's school so that he could be there whenever Meredith couldn't. Assuming she let him near them.

He'd been trying to force himself to contact her again. He left her that one cowardly message, but he had yet to let anyone know that he was in Seattle. In his defense he'd only been there for 48 hours, but still. He felt like he was hiding. Every time he went out he watched carefully for anyone that would recognize him despite his older body, slight weight gain, and grayed hair. And then he'd remember that every one had seen him only a couple of weeks ago. It would be incredibly easy for any of them to recognize him.

Maybe he should stay inside more.

* * *

Being in this hospital, he felt like he had gotten into a glitched time machine. Most things were the same, but the glitches showed up with the updated technology and the newer, younger faces. He knew he had just been there with Michael, but that was different. He spent nearly that entire time in one room and he didn't really pay any attention to the rest of the hospital. Now, that's all he had to pay attention to.

He easily remembered how to get to the Chief's office, but he was forty minutes early due to his abnormal anxiety over this meeting, so he decided to aimlessly wonder the halls. It was weird avoiding the restricted areas, but that still left him with a lot of group to cover and all of it was covered with memories.

After twenty minutes of wondering, he found himself at the doors to the operating rooms. The one restricted area that had both wanted to see and wanted to avoid the most. That's where he had spent the largest chunk of his life. That's where he saved lives. That's where Meredith and he mastered their trial. That's where he built his career. He could try has hard as possible to focus on all of those things, but it was impossible to forget that the OR floor was also where his world fell apart.

* * *

_Car crash. 5 victims. 3 dead on scene. One with only minor injuries. One with a massive subdural hematoma. 5 hours later, Derek was done. He felt the adrenaline going through his body because today, he saved a life. That's one thing that never got old. He saved a 32 year old man, a husband, a son, a father. He prevented one more family from suffering the loss he had. That's what kept him going, even on days like these when he was supposed to be home with his family. This kept him loving his job._

_Derek turned the water in the scrub room off, watching as the nurses continued to clean and sterilize the OR. It was nice to take a step back every once in a while and realize what he was actually doing. To have that great of an impact on the world was an privilege that Derek wanted to always appreciate. _

_The scrub door opened, pulling Derek's attention away from his introspection. Richard Webber stood there, dressed in his scrubs, with blood splattered subtly along the fabric and a distressed look on his face._

"_Derek… You need to come with me."_

"_Something else come in? Who's on call right now? If I don't get home, Meredith is going to come in this place and kill both of us," Derek joked as he dried his hands carefully and dropped the paper towel in the trash._

_It took a moment, but eventually Derek realized that Richard hadn't moved an inch. He hadn't said anything. His expression hadn't changed._

_Something was wrong._

"_Richard?"_

_He sighed, "Derek, you need to come with me. It's Meredith."_

_Derek didn't know what to do or how to react. "Is it Maggie? Is she coming? It's a little early."_

_Richard shook his head, hating to destroy the elation he saw building inside Derek at the thought of his child being born. "No, Derek. Something happened. We don't know what yet, but we need you to try to talk to Michael and figure out what exactly happened."_

_Derek froze._

"_Meredith is in CT right now and will be moving up to an OR almost immediately. I don't know how far they've gotten in their assessment, but she has a head injury and signs of a spinal one." Richard tried to speak as calmly as he could, but he watched as the blood-drained form Derek's face and it killed him. _

_Slowly Derek dropped to the floor, immobilized. He wanted to run. He wanted to tackle anyone that would stop him from performing any surgery she needed himself. He wanted to hug Michael and Jackie. He wanted to rewind to this morning and never come in. He wanted to know what the hell happened. He wanted to punch Richard Webber for delivering him the worst news of his life. _

_But he couldn't do anything. He couldn't move. Meredith was a live. He knew that. Michael and Jackie weren't hurt or they'd be asking him to sign consent forms. They were probably just skipping the paperwork for Meredith because of her relationship with this hospital. But Richard wasn't mentioning one very important detail. That omission was something doctors often tried to do. First, get them to focus on the fact that their wife is alive. Give them some hope that way. Try to ease the blow. Try to get them to see the big picture when you tell them that not everyone made it. _

**_Well you'd like to think that you were invincible._**  
**_Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time?_**  
**_Well this is the last tim_**e.


	24. Feeling is Real

**I have nothing to say for myself that would make my absence okay. College has been a huge adjustment, in a lot of ways I definitely wasn't expecting. Things are much better now though so I hope you all can forgive me! Thank you so much for being loyal and sticking this out. I didn't edit this since I've just been writing all night instead of writing my two papers or studying for my two midterms, but I think it was worth it. I hope you guys agree!**

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**Chapter 23: Feeling is Real**

Meredith was rather surprised at the amount of time she hadn't spent exploring the culture of Seattle. She has lived there for a good portion of her life, if not most of it, but she had been a kid, and then an intern, and then married to mister outdoorsy. She knew all the great hikes and fishing spots, but she didn't know about the theatre or the art. Will was completely different though. He grew up in a small town and hated it, so once he finally got to a big city, he embraced every part of it.

"Okay, I know this might be really lame, but I had tickets and I don't know… it just seemed like something you might like."

It was clear to her that he was nervous. It made her want to laugh out loud because _she_ was still nervous out of her mind every time she saw him. But they were now walking down Mercer Street to a building she'd seen so many times, but never had reasons to go inside. And she suddenly felt like she was living another life again, going on fancy dates and being someone important.

"No, this is amazing," she tried to assure him. On some level, he was right. She was a surgeon and a mom. And even before that, she was definitely the type of person that preferred to be in jeans and a sweater in front of a fireplace, but going out every once in a while didn't seem like such a terrible idea.

Will squeezed her hand as they walked up the stems to McCaw Hall at the Seattle Center. "Have you ever seen a show here before?"

"No. My Mom sometimes went to please different people, she never took me. Not even… when, well, never mind."

Will slowed his steps, "Never mind what?"

Meredith swallowed. She hated doing that whole "getting to know one another" thing. She thought she would avoid a lot of it with Will since they had been friends for so long, but he didn't know the intimate details of her life or her childhood. Her mom had been dead for years by the time he came around so there were even less possibilities for him to find things out around the hospital.

She hated this, but this was dating. And even though she didn't like talking about her life, the idea of Will knowing about her life wasn't the worst thing she could come up with. In fact, it seemed far from that.

She pulled him back into pace and forced her insecurities down her throat. "I used to do ballet. When I was little. My Mom thought it would help build discipline, but I was helplessly clumsy. I still loved it though. My ballet school went pretty far up in age, so there were always older girls around. Whenever my mom was late picking me up, which was nearly all the time, I'd watch the older girls practice and it just amazed me."

Will's smile widened. He knew what her talking like this meant; just by the amount of time he'd known her without _really_ knowing her. "So why did you stop?"

The expression Meredith had developed while talking about ballet faltered. "Well, we moved to Boston and suddenly my Mom thought that the piano would be better for me to develop discipline. I think it was because she didn't have to take me anywhere. My piano teacher lived next door. And then I just kept adding instruments… and yeah." Meredith shrugged. Talking about herself like this really was weird. She didn't do it very often.

As they entered the luxurious building, Will gave the usher their tickets and they were directed to their seats. Meredith was amazed by the building itself and Will could see her eyes light up. He knew she generally liked simplicity, but for some reason, he felt like this would work and it seemed perfect. She would never be a snobby-theatre-goer, but she would appreciate the ballet and the music. She would understand it.

"Wanna know a secret?" Will whispered as soon as they sat down.

Meredith laughed under her breath at the way he was talking to her. She turned to him, reinstating this level of close intimacy that they tend to have around them whenever they're alone together. "What?"

"Since I've lived in Seattle, I've seen the Nutcracker five times. I love the music." Will smirked, but she could sense a bit of insecurity in his confession. It was adorable to her.

She wrapped her hand around his on the armrest, squeezing his fingers. "I'm glad my first time is with you."

Will laughed, realizing how comfortable they were becoming. Usually the transition from friends to something more was slightly awkward, but with Meredith everything seemed so natural and right. He never questioned going this route, even though he knew that she had so many things going on her life right now. He wasn't privy to the details of it all, but she gave him bits and pieces. And he cherished each of them.

Before long the lights dimmed and the show began. Will could see the excitement contained in Meredith's expression and he just couldn't get over how happy he was in this moment. It had been a long time since he'd been this happy, especially since he came to Seattle and he couldn't believe it was because of this wonderful woman.

"See, I like it this way. If you let me come pick you up, then we have the whole ferry ride together too," Will smiled, leaning against the railing next to Meredith.

"That is true. And I do love my ferry rides."

"Oh really, you do?"

Meredith smiled, "I do. There is just something about being on the water at night that is so relaxing. I love ending my day this way, even if I have kids running around with me."

"Well it helps that they're good kids."

"That is definitely true."

* * *

Despite how well the night had been, Will knew Meredith well enough to know there was something going on with her that he did not know about. He wanted to keep that balance of causal dating, but he also wanted to keep moving forward. "Not to scare you off or anything, but you seem pre-occupied. What's going on?"

Meredith's body tensed almost instantly, but she only had to fight off a mild desire to run away. She was getting comfortable with him. She was supposed to share her life with her…. Boyfriend? If that's what they were. She wasn't really sure, but still. That's how you move in that direction. Addison told her it was okay. It made sense.

"Well, uh, Derek is back in town. Or coming. Or something. I'm not really sure. He just left a message and I keep feel like I'm going to run into him." Meredith realized that all came out way to fast to be considered to normal, but she hoped Will wouldn't read too much into that.

"I haven't heard anything in the department about him consulting."

Meredith sighed. "Yeah, that's what I figured. I think it's something a bit more permanent."

Will's forehead wrinkled as he tried to study Meredith and figure out what she wasn't saying. If her ex-husband moved back, that would mean he would be in her life. That made sense. They had kids together. Will just wasn't sure whether or not to feel threatened here.

"Any idea why? He's been gone for a while."

"I'm not sure. I think everything with Michael being sick might have made him realize he's been missing things with his kids, but there are just so many unanswered questions."

"Like?"

"Last time I talked to him, he was engaged to a woman who loved New York City."

Will sighed. Maybe there was more going on here than he knew. Actually, there definitely was. He just couldn't decide if he had the right to be concerned right now. They didn't even have a defined relationship. He couldn't really hold up next to a guy that was married to her for years.

"Look, I don't know what any of this means, but I do know that it's not going to impact us – or whatever, this is. I don't even know what this is, but I like it. I like you. I like seeing you and spending time with you and kissing you, so I don't want that to go away any time soon, even if Derek is back in Seattle, with or without his finance."

Meredith surprised herself a little with her outburst of rambling confessions, but she figured it was for the best. This way she knew what she was thinking and so did Will. That's how these things are supposed to work, right?

Will rubbed her arm, getting her to look up at him. He smiled and placed a quick kiss on her lips. "Then it will all work out. We'll figure it out with Derek. I'll be here."

"You will?" Meredith hated how small she sounded with that hopeful question, but she wasn't naïve enough to take things without guaranteeing that he meant it. Even then she'd have doubts.

"Definitely. As long as you want me here, I'll be here," Will answered, kissing her again, but this time with more force. He wanted her to believe him because he could see the slight doubt in her eyes and it scared her. He wanted her to know that he was the kind of guy that stayed around, even if he was in for a fight.

* * *

"Do you even go to your own office anymore?"

Meredith looked up to see Addison coming in to her office. Meredith had stolen the empty office for some peace and quiet while she finished some post-op notes. "I pushed back a lot of surgeries with Michael being sick and I called in a lot of favors, so now I'm having done some grunt work for the surgeons here."

"Yeah, but don't you have a boyfriend that could fix that?"

Meredith glared at Addison, "I'm not using his status as head of neuro to do anything for me."

Addison chuckled as she took a seat at the end of her small couch, "Yet you keep ending up with heads of neuro at this hospital. I think there might be a pattern developing."

"Ha ha ha."

"Seriously though, I'm on break so fill me in while I have the time."

Meredith closed the file she was working on and began her nervous habit of chewing on her lip. "I think I'm going to put the house up for sale."

"Excuse me?" Addison shot up straight in the chair. "That house that you love and have spent your kids' entire lives in?"

Meredith shrugged, "Yeah, I think it's time. Derek built that house. I held on to it because I was holding on to him. I think it's time to let it go."

"Can you even legally do that?"

"Yep. It's in my name now. I can do whatever the hell I want with it."

Addison frowned. She wasn't sure how to deal with this; she didn't know whether to encourage or discourage this. This could be a step out away from Derek but it might not be for the right reasons. She needed to make sure Meredith was thinking this through and not making a rash decision. "So, how would the kids deal with this?"

"It would be an adjustment, but they'd probably like being closer to their friends. I could still get a house with some land, so that wouldn't change too much. And they're in private school, so that won't change. I'll just promise them a dog and they'll be in heaven."

"Are you sure you want to do that? That's not just a house, it's your home."

Meredith sighed. "I live in the guest room. I don't go in the nursery. It's not healthy for me to live in a house with such terrible memories. It's a waste. Some family could love that house without knowing what has transpired there. And I want to be able to have Will over without feeling like I'm cheating on Derek."

_Ding. Ding. _There's the newfound motivation that Addison was looking for, but that still doesn't tell her whether or not it's a healthy decision. Before she could decide, there was a knock on the door and it slowly opened.

"Mer? I'm free for lunch if you're ready," Will said as he came in, not noticing Addison at first. "Oh, sorry. I thought Meredith had the place to herself."

"No problem, I'm just trying to relax in _my_ office while I'm on my break, but Meredith has apparently commandeered it," Addison said as she got up to grab a couple of files out of her filing cabinet. "I'm about to head back out there anyways."

"No, problem. I'm done for the day. I'm just going to have lunch with Will and then I have an appointment. I'll be out of your way for the rest of the day," Meredith said as she dropped her things in her brief case and got up, heading over to Will.

Addison was glad she noticed this, giving herself enough time to watch them out of the corner of her eye. Meredith placed her hand on Will's chest and quickly kissed him, not even carrying that Addison was there. Since when had these two transitioned from private dates to public displays of affection? This isn't something she'd assume would happen quickly for Meredith. Especially with Derek coming back soon.

Meredith pulled away and looked back at Addison as Will grabbed her hand. "I'll see you for dinner Thursday?"

"Yeah, definitely," Addison replied, giving Meredith a coded look.

"Okay, bye," Meredith quickly answered, pulling Will out of the room.

She knew what that look meant. She knew Addison's point. She also knew that she was as shocked by her behavior as Addison was. Somewhere along the last couple of dates, she and Will had found some form of a routine. Being with him was more natural than it had ever been. Michael and Jackie love him. He's even taking Michael to the batting cages next weekend. Things were working out and she was moving forward. She just has this looming fear of when Derek was going to show himself, but for the most part, she could ignore that. She would instead focus on the butterflies in her stomach whenever Will showed up in the middle of her day. Or when he sent her random texts. Or just smiled at her. She was starting to feel things for this guy and she was actually happy about it.

_**Sometimes words just can't explain  
**__**This is real  
**__**I'm afraid  
**__**I guess this time there's just no hiding, fighting  
**__**You make me restless**_


	25. Let You Know

**Another update? This soon? This is insane!**

**Ha, let's see how long it lasts. I hope indefinitely **

**This is a shorter chapter, but it felt cohesive and I didn't want to mess with that! Hope you enjoy!**

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**Chapter 24: Let you know**

Derek was showing up. He knew that was bad. He did. But he also knew that if he called Meredith up an asked her to meet him somewhere to talk, she'd come up with a million reasons to avoid it and hang up the phone. That left him with a quick phone conversation or showing up. He chose showing up. He figured that at the least, in this situation the kids would be there to break the ice, but that they would also be able to have some privacy. He might actually survive this.

Driving to his house, or technically _Meredith's_ house, was still weird for him. He spent so much time on that land before Meredith even knew about it and then even more throughout the roller coaster relationship that led up to their marriage. Even after he shared the property with her, he still felt like it was one thing in the world that he had complete control over. It was _his_ land. It was clam, predictable, and safe. Everything the OR and the rest of the world wasn't. It had been his salvation. Now, it was just a reminder of everything that should have been but isn't.

He pulled into the long driveway, but resisted the routine urge to click his way into the garage and park his car there. It was weird the way he still felt like that was a routine even though he hadn't done it in years and this card had never been here before. It just felt like part of his life. Even if it was over.

The little path from the driveway to the porch felt like forever and once he got to the steps, he waited, without knowing what he was waiting for. This was a new chapter in his life and it could go so many different ways, but that all began with Meredith's reaction. She could either freak out, or slowly let him into her life. He knew that he had no right to have expectations, but better judgment never stopped anyone before. He just wanted to be a small part of her life. He felt like that could be enough, maybe, somehow. It would be more than what he had now, so it had to be better. He didn't consider how torturous that limbo position could really be.

With the risk of appearing creepy, he decided he just needed to knock. The house didn't seem to be bustling with noise, but he could hear some music playing and the faint sound of voices coming from the back. Someone was definitely home.

A couple of moments passed and Meredith pulled the door open, talking on the phone in her other hand. Her expression immediately fell to confusion and she put a hand up to stop Derek from speaking as she turned and took a couple of steps back inside.

"Hey, look, I have to go. Derek just showed up."

Derek heard his name and immediately tried to determine who it was, but the list was too endless. He assumed the open door meant he was allowed inside so he stepped into the foyer and quietly shut the door.

"Yeah, I know. It's fine. And yes, she knows. He's one of Michael's best friends, so I know her really well. There shouldn't be any problems."

Even the last time Derek had been here when Michael was sick wasn't as weird as this. Then, Meredith just left him be, assuming he could function just fine in this house without her guidance. Now, he felt like a guest as he awkwardly stood in the foyer, waiting for her to start questioning his presence.

"Yes, definitely. I should be at the hospital Monday and Tuesday. I'll see you later tonight."

He could see a slight smile on her face at this point and her voice seemed more relaxed now that she was focused on the conversation and not him. The goodbye seemed sweet and it made him uncomfortable. He no longer thought she was just on the phone with Addison or Cristina.

She finally hung up and stuffed the cell phone in her back pocket as she turned back to Derek. "I was wondering when I was going to hear from you."

He laughed uncomfortably, "Yeah, the lame message wasn't my finest moment."

"One of many," Meredith mumbled, loud enough for him to here. She started walking into the living room, silently telling him to follow. She took a seat on one of the couches and pointed her body so that he'd know to sit in the next chair, not next to her.

"So how long is it for this time?" Meredith asked in a cold voice, completely different from the one he'd just heard on the phone.

Derek sighed. He deserved this anger. That he knew. If not for the divorce, then for leaving without an explanation. "I think this is going to be more permanent."

"You think? I'm not telling my kids that their Dad _thinks_ he's going to be around now. Kids need stability."

"Okay, I'll correct myself. I have moved to Seattle, am renting a condo near their school and will be doing consults at the hospitals until something more permanent in Seattle comes up," Derek clarified tersely. Knowing he deserved this didn't prevent his temper from trying to rise up. At least they'd be more civil last time they saw each other.

Meredith rubbed her hands along her jeans. "Derek, why are you doing this? I mean after all this time, I don't get it. When is Elizabeth joining you? And what about her kids?"

Derek was surprised at her question. He didn't consider the fact that it seemed like he was going back to Elizabeth to get married, not to break up with her. He should have been able to put this together, but he just figured she felt as much from their night together as he did.

"Meredith, I broke off my engagement with Elizabeth."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Meredith shook her head; she didn't have time to think about this. In fact, she didn't care. She had Will now. And Will, he was great. Perfect. She was happy. Derek didn't get to throw a wrench into all of that. That wasn't fair.

"We can work out some sort of schedule with the kids. Switch off dinners and weekends depending on our schedules. Like we did before, but they have more going on now."

Derek nodded, but he could tell there was something going through her head that he wasn't telling her. He expected yelling or something when he told her about Elizabeth. Not indifference. Coming from Meredith, that was never a good thing.

"So where are the kids?"

"Jackie is at a friend's house and Michael is at the batting cages. I needed a day for paperwork and cleaning. It's been a little hectic lately since I took so much time off with Michael."

"Okay, well I can take them for the night if you need more time. I'll be here now. I'll be able to help you." Derek tried to reassure her that this was legitimate. That he was here and part of this family.

Meredith sighed, "No, that's fine. We… uh. We have plans tonight."

"Oh, okay. What exactly?"

Meredith stood up and took a step back. "Look, you really don't want to hear about that. And more importantly, I need to get back to my work before I have to get to my umm plans. So, you should go. Just text me your address or whatever and I'll figure out the kids schedule for next week and let you know. Texts and e-mail. That's how we can do this."

At this point, she was wringing her hands. Taking nervous little steps. She was beyond uncomfortable and she was definitely hiding something. Derek was fairly certain that she knew he knew all of this, and that was sending her into even more of a panic. Since their divorce, knowing each other extremely well has been beneficial, but also really frustrating and annoying.

Derek stood up, trying to level out this conversation. "Meredith…."

"No, Derek. Seriously, no. You are not a part of my life. I don't have to tell you everything. Seriously, you should just leave. I'll tell Michael and Jackie. They'll be excited and they'll see you soon. That's how it's going to go. Don't '_Meredith'_ me." Meredith walked backwards as she lectured him, heading back into the foyer.

Derek followed her, realizing he wasn't going to accomplish much today. He knew that coming here, but it was still hard to face. He wanted to skip all of this and just figure out his life, but that's not how it worked. He made his choices and now Meredith gets to make hers. That's only fair.

Meredith opened the door as soon as she reached it, not being at all subtle in the message she was conveying. Derek was going to leave silently, but on his way out, he saw a picture out of the corner of his eye. It was of Meredith, Michael and Jackie. They were sitting on the dock; Michael and Meredith's legs were hanging over the side. Jackie was only a couple of months old and Meredith was pregnant again. It was such a beautiful day and Derek had been so happy to get them all outside for a little bit. Everything had gone so perfectly well that day and the memory of how perfect everything had been raised his spirits a little bit.

Derek took one step out of the door onto the porch before turning back and looking at Meredith. He smiled at her, but she just looked at him curiously. "Meredith, I'm not expecting you to change your life since I'm back. I wouldn't want that. You've done an amazing job here these past couple of years. I just want you know that I didn't leave after that night because I regretted it. I left because I needed to end things with Elizabeth, so I could come back here and be with my family, in any and every way you'll let me. I know my record isn't so great at this point, but I'm not leaving. I'm here for the long hall, so you won't have to worry about dealing with things all by yourself anymore. I'm here. And that's not changing."

Meredith didn't move, so Derek just smiled again and turned around, letting the door close behind him.

_**Baby, I am standing here and trying to get past the fears  
**__**Hoping you won't let me go  
**__**Oh, I wanna let you know**_


	26. Falling For You

**This cannot be real. Another update?**

**Once again, a little shorter. I'm starting to like having one scene for an entire chapter. Feels less choppy. We'll see how it progresses. Don't hate me for this. Also, no editing. Lo siento.**

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**Chapter 25: Falling for you**

Meredith was starting to feel bad. She was pawning her kids off on people all the time. Or maybe not all the time, but definitely more than she had ever done before. She couldn't remember a time when she let both of her kids stay over at other houses on the same night. Before, she never wanted to be alone at the house. Now, she and Will practically craved the time alone, even though he seemed to love being with the kids too. Michael had really taken a liking to Will and she think it had a lot to do with the ways in which Will reminded both of them of Derek. She generally tried not to think about similarities.

"Michael has quite a swing, you know," Will said as he came back into the living room, bringing with him a bottle of wine and two glasses.

"I don't know about that, he's always been a soccer player."

Will laughed, "I'm trying to convert him."

They moved the coffee table earlier, laying a blanket out in front of the fire that Will started. Meredith picked up some desert earlier and with the wine, this whole affair was becoming by far their most romantic night ever, even though it started with dinner with Addison, Robert, and Michael.

"I had no idea you were so into baseball."

"Really? You have a lot to learn, my dear," Will said as he poured the red wine. "I went to college on a baseball scholarship, University of Virginia."

"Wow. How did I not know that? Being a jock is usually pretty obvious," Meredith joked.

Will situated himself against the couch, pulling Meredith too him. They didn't even have to ask anymore. It was just natural and comfortable for them to cuddle together. Every time Meredith found something else that seemed perfect, it kind of freaked her out, but she wouldn't change it.

"Well I didn't just get there because of the sport. I was pretty smart, thank you very much. I did go to Harvard for medical school. I really went there for undergrad for reasons other than my education or baseball."

"Okay, now what was that?"

"A girl."

Meredith giggled, "Aw, that's so cute."

"Well I had already been with her for three years, I wasn't planning on disappearing."

Meredith noticed a slight shift in his tone. This was the sharing part. The sharing that went beyond your favorite color and more into the horrors of your childhood and every disappointment in your life. This scared her, but she needed to know these things. And so did Will. This is how you make relationships work.

She placed her hand on his that was already resting on his thigh. "What happened?"

Will sighed. "Long story short? She was my high school sweetheart. I thought I was going to marry her. I proposed junior year of college. She said yes and three months later was diagnosed with a brain tumor. They did surgery, removed it and it kept growing back." Will paused for a moment and slight smile graced his lips, "She wanted to wait until her hair grew back the way she liked it before the wedding. She said it didn't matter if I didn't care because she did. She didn't want to think of brain surgery every time she saw our wedding pictures."

"We were almost there by the time I graduated from med school. She was working off and on; her parents were really supporting us since I was trying to get through Harvard. I started my residency at Mass Gen and life started working out and we got serious about planning the wedding. She went for a check up and they found another tumor, this time inoperable. She died nine days after her twenty-eighth birthday."

Meredith felt frozen. She didn't know how to comfort him. What could she say? The woman that may very well have been the love of his life died from a brain tumor. No wonder he was a neurosurgeon, and a damn good one at that. She mumbled a sympathetic apology, but she knew it wasn't worth much. She couldn't imagine what he had dealt with.

"It's okay, Mer. This is why I don't talk about Heather. It freaks people out. I'm not looking to be comforted. I'm happy. It's almost like I have a bit of a guardian angel now. I know she wanted me to be happy. As morbid as it sounds, I found out after the funeral that before every surgery, she wrote me a letter and gave it to her parents. I got them all a couple of days after the service. She wanted me to move on. I didn't think I ever would and I didn't for a long time. I threw myself into my career, but now I'm starting to have a real life again."

Meredith smiled up at him and then gave him a quick kiss. They were both healing, in their own way. It was kind of perfect. "In the spirit of sharing, I think I should tell you about something."

Will squeezed her hand. "You don't have to. I didn't tell you about Heather to guilt you into telling me things. I just wanted you to know and I want you tell me things when you're ready, not out of obligation."

"No, I think…. I want to tell you. If anyone, you should know. I've never told anyone about this. I mean, no one other than the people that were there to witness it. So I don't know how this will go. I mean, I could freak out."

Will chuckled, "It's okay. You don't have to freak out. Stop whenever you need to."

She took a deep breath. "Okay. Well, I was pregnant soon after having Jackie. It was a surprise, but a good one. It just made life hectic between the jobs and already having Michael. Derek wanted me to work fewer hours and do less around the house, but I'm stubborn so I ignored him. One weekend we were supposed to be doing a bunch of house work, but Derek was stuck at work so I started doing everything by myself."

Will could feel her tensing with every word. She started talking faster, as if she needed to get it out of her system and the faster she did, the more cleansed she'd be of the memories. "I was doing laundry and something happened. I fell down the stairs and knocked myself out. All I remember is waking up in the hospital. Michael had to call the ambulance. Derek was in surgery. He didn't even know about it until I was heading to the OR."

Will's arm around Meredith had tightened, pulling her as close to his body as she possibly could be. Her arms were wrapped around him now too, in a sort of hug. She had yet to realize it, but tears were slowly falling down her face. She was surprised she'd gotten this far without taking a breath. It was all coming back to her. Both the memories she did have and the one's she'd created from the stories everyone told her about that day. And then she saw the aftermath. She could only imagine how horrible it must have been for Derek to come home to find his wife's blood all over their house, but she could still see it in her mind when she came home, even though he scrubbed it. The carpet by the stairs was just slightly discolored enough that she could tell how widespread the blood spill had been.

"I've never told any one this, but I one day found Michael's clothes from that day. Apparently they cleaned him up at the hospital and sent him home with the clothes while Izzie brought him something else to wear. Derek was too busy to think about them. When Michael finally came home, he threw the back in the back of his closet and left it there. I found them a couple of years later. It took me a moment to figure out why my son's ninja turtle shirt was soaked with blood. It had been his favorite, but my blood was all over the sleeves and the front. He must have kneeled by me because there was blood soaking the knees and lower leg of his jeans. I know what the kind of thing does to a kid. Seeing your Mom like that, thinking she's dead. It's not right to see that, but it seems to run in this family."

"Wait, what?"

"Crap."

Meredith didn't mean to go there. She was rambling. She didn't even realize where she was going or what she was about to say. This sharing thing was going a little too far. She already opened up to him about the worst thing she'd ever experience; she didn't have enough energy to begin on the train wreck that was Ellis Grey's parenting.

She sighed. "That's a story for another time. I just want to lie here, not think about Maggie and enojy this night."

"Maggie?"

"Yeah. That was her name. Margaret Caroline Shepherd. After Derek's mother. It was really proper, but we liked it."

Will nodded. That was enough sharing for one night. He could tell how much that took out of Meredith and it broke his heart. She had so much hurt in her life and he knew that there was so much he wasn't privy to yet. It amazed him that she was still hanging out, but actually doing so much more than just hanging on. She was thriving as a mother, a surgeon, and as a woman. He was incredibly lucky to have her in his life.

"You've told me how you haven't done this in a long time," Will started, receiving a curious look from Meredith. "For the record, you aren't the only one."

"You think Heather would think I'm good enough for you?"

Will smiled. "She would have loved you. She always wanted kids just like yours. I don't think she'd have me with anyone else."

"That's good. I'm not planning on going anywhere anytime soon."

She said it so flippantly, but that was a notion of commitment that she had never made before. They hadn't really discussed what they were doing too much; at least not in terms of how long it was going to last or what their labels were. They just kind of went with it. It seemed to be working out for them anyways.

"I think I'm going to sell this house."

"What? This is a gorgeous house."

Meredith shrugged. "It is, but it's Derek's. It's his land. He planned it out with an architect. It's his house. I guess I could see if he wants it since he's back in town. I just think I'm going to move out of it. I want a new start."

"I like that part of the idea." Will smiled, kissing her again, but her response wasn't as gentle as his initial kiss. She turned around to face him, continuing the kiss even longer. Will had been wanting this, especially since he knew they were going to have the house to themselves for the night, but after the way the conversation had turned, he figured that ship had sailed for the night. And he'd be fine with that, but then she kept kissing him and he realized that she was taking control and the mood was shifting quickly.

He let her lead him at first. He wanted to make sure she was completely okay with this before he started to do anything. Before he knew it, they were no longer against the couch, but lying on the floor completely. He flipped her over, pausing a moment to look at her in the eye. The sadness in her eyes from before had diminished and the Meredith he was beginning to fall for came back. She smiled at him, a genuine smile and it was an invitation.

_**I've been waiting all my life  
**__**And now I found ya  
**__**I don't know what to do  
**__**I think I'm fallin' for you**_


	27. Back Home

**I'm currently considering having someone beta my writing. I didn't even know this function existed until like 3 days ago despite the fact that I've been posting on here for years. Before I start looking at random people, I thought I'd see if any of my writers are interested. My only real request in a beta is that they don't try to change my plot lines (future ideas are welcome though) and that they don't change my sentence structure since I purposely don't always use complete sentences. Oh, and that the chapters get in a relatively timely manner, I understand life happens though! So, if anyone is interested, just pm me. I'll wait a couple of days before I start looking elsewhere!**

**I don't think me updating multiple times in a week is really going to be the norm, but I'm going to do my best to work writing into my schedule so I at least work on plot ideas or something every day. Hopefully I can keep it going!**

**Thanks for sticking through this. I cannot believe the responses I've been getting. Your reviews are amazing, I love reading your opinions of the characters and seeing people so engaged in what I'm writing! It means the world to me! Also, already over 400 visitors for my last chapter? This is amazing!**

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**Chapter 26: Back Home**

Meredith felt like a teenager. She was over forty and had two kids, but she felt like a teenager. After dosing off last night, they ran upstairs wrapped in blankets to her bedroom. All the giggling and kissing and everything just felt so fresh and new. It was amazing. Meredith couldn't remember the last time she felt so free. It was intoxicating. She couldn't get enough of it.

But that wasn't life. She knew enough to know that the 'head over heels' feeling wasn't going to last forever. They were eventually going to fall into a normal pattern and fight and have problems, but she didn't care because right now, everything seemed perfect.

Will left after a long and not necessarily clean shower, as Meredith was not ready for her kids to know he spent the night. She liked that Will had a relationship with Michael and Jackie, but that just opened doors she didn't want to walk into. Especially since the possibility of Derek finding out was real. She knew he'd know about Will soon enough, but she didn't need to be cruel. He didn't need to know about their sex life.

After ignoring three texts and two phone calls from Derek, she texted him back only to find out that he wanted a "family" dinner tonight so they could figure everything out and talk to the kids about their new life together. Meredith really just wanted to smack him upside the head. There was no new life for "them." There was no "them" or "us" or "ours." Living in the same city doesn't mean you're a cohesive family. That ship sailed. Derek apparently just jumped overboard.

That left Meredith preparing her kids for a nice dinner at a restaurant by herself, which kind of just made her laugh at Derek's understanding of what was going on. Was he here making Michael shower or getting Jackie to brush her teeth? No. He was probably watching television waiting for it was time to eat. She was the one running around in circles to make sure her kids matched and looked presentable. Just her.

After putting way too much effort into an evening she was dreading, Meredith finally got her kids in the car. That was the other thing about living in this house. It was so far away from everything. She used to take solace in that, but now that she has to run her kids to a million different places, it's just exhausting and probably takes at least three hours out of her day every day. They could get a house in a nice suburb, still have some land and only be a twenty-minute drive to everything they needed. That was going in her pro column for moving.

An hour later, she finally pulled into Derek's strategically picked location. A cartoon-themed pizza parlor that the kids had always loved. When they first got divorced, Derek probably took them there every night he had them. It made them happy because it reminded them of a time when their family was whole. It was right near the hospital so whenever they left the hospital a little after dinner or if Meredith or Derek or both were too tired to cook, they'd eat dinner there just to see Michael's smile. Jackie was too young to really enjoy it until the divorce. Since Derek moved away, Meredith avoided it. She hadn't been there in years. She always felt like a bad parent when she lied to her kids about reasons not to go, but it held too many memories. Which was precisely why Derek was making them go tonight.

She hadn't told them where they were going, but as soon as Michael realized where they were, the smile on his face grew. He practically ran in to the restaurant since he could see Derek sitting in a booth through the window. Meredith got Jackie out of the car and walked her inside, taking her seat across from Derek who was already in a conversation with Derek.

"And now I'm going to play little league in the spring. I think I might even like baseball more than soccer! I'm not sure yet though. I still really like soccer."

Derek laughed. Michael was clearly feeling better as his energy was completely back to normal. "Well, I'm really glad. I'll make sure I come to all of your games."

"Does that mean you're staying?"

Derek looked at Meredith who glared at him. "Jackie, Michael. Your father and I wanted to talk to you about that. Your dad is trying to get a job that will allow him to stay here permanently. Right now, he'll be here as long as he can find work."

He would have preferred the last sentence to not have been said, but he was fairly satisfied with what she said. "I even have a condo really close by so we can come here more often like we used to. You guys will have your own rooms again. We can go and decorate them soon."

"Daddy! Can I do underwater? I really like dolphins. And whales. And penguins," Jackie said, jumping up in the booth.

Meredith urged Jackie to sit down while both of her parents laughed at her comment. "I'm not sure penguins live with dolphins and whales, but we can do whatever you want."

"Mommy, can I go play the games?"

The restaurant had a nice assortment of videogames for most ages, which was a huge part of the reason the kids loved the place. Derek quickly pulled out a bag of quarters, looking to Meredith for approval.

"Yes, just take your sister and stay where we can see you. I'll come and get you when the pizza is here."

"Yes!" Michael jumped out of the booth, practically dragging Jackie with one arm, the other holding the bag of coins.

"Those games never get old."

Meredith smiled at Derek. "Yeah, I forgot how much they loved this place."

"We probably game at least a month here after a while with everything getting so busy, neither of us wanted to cook during the week," Derek said, carefully probing Meredith's reaction.

"Yeah. We're lucky out kids aren't obese. And that I got you over your health freak thing."

Derek smiled. "I think the kids just have your metabolism. Otherwise, they probably would be. And I never was a health freak. I just care about my body."

Meredith rolled her eyes, "Suuuure."

They both chuckled, leaving a slightly awkward silence. Other than reminiscing, neither were really sure what they were to talk about. There a bunch of things they _should_ talk about. Practical things with the kids and all, but then there were all the other things that they actually _wanted_ to talk about.

"Look, Derek. There is something I need to tell you."

Derek sat up a little straighter, looking at Meredith. She seemed nervous. He nodded to her, telling her to continue, but she hesitated.

"The things I said that night in the kitchen, I meant them. At the time, I thought they were true. They were true. It's just, things have changed. I didn't expect them to, even when it all started, I didn't expect them to develop this way, but they have and they did and that's that. I just don't want you to find out from the kids or from some nurse or doctor at the hospital. I should be the one to tell you even though I really don't want to have this conversation. I owe you that and I owe him that. And myself that…"

"_Him_?"

Meredith sighed, realizing that she'd been ranting. She didn't even notice the change in Derek's expression. He looked sad. Not angry. At least not yet. Just sad. He knew what was coming, but he wasn't angry. And that was so much worse. It would be infinitely easier if he was yelling at her right now, but he wasn't.

"Yeah. I'm dating Will. I didn't expect this to happen, but it did and I'm happy. I just needed you to know. He's a part of the kid's lives. He's not trying to be their Dad, just their friend. He doesn't have to spend so much time with them if you're not okay with that. I just wanted you to know."

Derek swallowed. "Okay."

"Okay?"

He nodded. "What am I supposed to say?"

"I don't know? Yell at me? Threaten to kill him? _Something?_"

"Meredith. You didn't yell at me with Elizabeth. You didn't say anything. I'm going to extent you the same courtesy you did for me. You deserve to be happy and if Will does that, than so be it."

"Oh, okay."

Derek laughed at his response.

"What? I was seriously expecting you to freak out at me. And yell. Lots and lots of yelling. I wasn't expecting this… um..."

"Maturity?" Derek chuckled. "Yeah, I wouldn't if I was you either. I'm working on acting my age though. It's about time."

"Okay, I guess that works."

"Just don't expect me to be friends with him. My maturity might end there."

"I can deal with that."

* * *

"Well all of their homework is done, so I guess it's okay as long as you get them to bed on time. And then to school. They've been tardy enough already."

Derek laughed as he pulled his keys out, "Having a rough time getting them to class?"

"Ha. You'll understand after tomorrow morning. And good luck with the showers tonight."

As he opened the door, the kids pummeled through them and ran into the new condo first. Derek held the door open for Meredith, who slowly stepped inside. She felt weird about going to Derek's place in Seattle. He wasn't supposed to have his own place in Seattle. It was just weird.

"I like it."

"It's not much yet. I did a couple of days of work for the furniture and stuff, but it still needs more. I'm sure my Mom will come and completely decorate it all."

"Of course she would. That's your Mom," Meredith smiled as Derek led her into the living room. The kids were running up and down the stairs, peeking into every room in the three-floor condo, giving them a bit of time to themselves again. "But seriously. I like it. It's much more you than the place in New York was. It's nice and new and kind of modernish, but it's still homey. Not sterile."

"Yeah, I think it's much better. I already like it."

Meredith sat down on the couch, across from Derek. She always made a conscious effort to keep a physical distance from him. She wasn't oblivious to the fact that they had sex less than a month ago. After all, that entire visit was kind of difficult to forget.

"So, how's the work coming?"

"Pretty good. I have a lot of consults and a lot of interviews and meetings set up right now. Hospitals and private practices, but at least right now I'll be able to help you out the kids as much as possible. I can focus on rebuilding my relationship with them right now."

Meredith nodded. "That's good. Really good. Michael is so happy. He's been asking me about Christmas and how that was going to work."

"Well, I don't want to ruin any plans you have. I really hadn't thought about it actually. I know it's really soon. I can always fly home, that'd make my Mom really happy."

"I still have a party at the house, so I think the kids would really like it if you came on Christmas Eve. And you could stay over. You should see your kids on Christmas Day. I mean, Will will be there. I don't know about Christmas Day, but he'll be there that night. I'm not going to tell him he can't come, but yeah. You should come too."

It seemed like every time she said anything of value to him, she got nervous and Derek picked up on it every time. It was weird to him. It left him wondering if she'd ever be comfortable around him again.

"I can do that. It would be amazing to see them on Christmas. And I remember all of our Christmas Eve parties. They were always great and everyone usually crashed there. It was like being at home for Christmas just because of all of the people sleeping everywhere."

Meredith smiled, thinking back to all of those years. "Yeah, they were great."

Derek smiled at her with that McDreamy smile that she could never forget. Only now, it sent an unsettling feeling through her, in addition to its more desired results. She didn't want to think fondly of her ex-husband. That made everything so much more complicated. She could see what Derek thought this move would mean for them, but she had Will. She just didn't know how this was going to work out.

_**Somehow everything  
**__**I own smells of you  
**__**And for the tiniest moment  
**__**It's all not true**_


End file.
